I know someone who complains that they feel they have no friends. This is despite the various clubs they are involved, and all their volunteer work. Maybe this is because no matter how many casual friends you have, if none of them feel close, the emptiness echoes a little louder as we feel unseen, uncared for and unknown. Unheard. However, this is despite the long phone calls they receive from family and friends, and it is despite their weekly drinks with a group of regulars, one of whom they have shared hobbies with and travelled with for half their lives. Yet they still feels they don’t have any real friends.
I certainly hope this feeling that they have no friends is not one they verbalise around that particular person – as they would be right to ask “what am I then? A hat full of arseholes?” But then again, on the other hand, it might just force this person to challenge their idea that they have no friends in the first place and how people who consider themselves friends might feel about the sentiment.
The real question is WHY does this feeling persist when the evidence points to social connections left right and centre? I think it is because many of these friends are casual friends and while lots of them take up your time, they don’t always take up your energy. I think what they’re really missing and longing for is a “best friend”. Those connections from our youth where the feelings are mutual - or at least, you are young and naïve enough not to question this.
I do think this person had close friends as a youngster. As a part of a sporting team, their childhood memories seem to revolve heavily around fond moments with the team mates and a sense of sadness that those times passed so quickly before people marched on towards marriage and children and responsibilities. The difference they seem to feel between the friendships they had as a younger person and those they hold as an older one appears to be reciprocity.
Back when they were a star player of the team, they felt valued and validated by their mates. The team members sought out their company and they felt welcomed and celebrated amongst them. In adulthood they report feeling as though they aren’t valued and validated. That the people they might have considered best or close friends don’t feel the same way about them weighs heavily on their shoulders.
This brings me to wonder what it is that makes a friend feel close or reciprocal? It would seem to be that actions speak louder than words in this scenario. I think this person longs for that friend who has 2 tickets to a show, and instantly thinks of asking them to go along as a first preference. And for this person to also feel welcome to make the same assumption in return when it is their turn to hold a spare ticket. Someone who thinks of them when they have a free night off and invites them for a drink or a game of cards. Someone, who, when they are going through something, thinks of them as the person to call and talk to about it. Someone they could comfortably also feel safe to call in turn.
There is nothing inherently wrong with desiring this level of closeness with a friend; being that humans are social creatures and essentially pack animals. The feeling of belonging is tied into feelings of worthiness and security. Unfortunately this also means we are triggered by fears of rejection too and maybe even sense rejection when it wasn’t intended as a defense mechanism? So when this person learns that their friend went out to lunch with someone else and didn’t invite them, that may lead to feelings of rejection, inferiority and insecurity that they like the person they did invite more.
The problem with those feelings, apart from the fact that they are usually largely fantasy, is that it becomes hard to say “Oh, that sounds good. I’d love to come next time if you’re going again sometime. I’ve been wanting to try that place.” Because if you’re taking the rejection too personally it is easy to convince yourself that they specifically didn’t want you there as opposed to the more likely thing that they just didn’t think to invite you.
Now, of course, not being thought of is part of the bigger issue. Because it is easy to assume that if people liked you enough they would be thinking of you and would want to invite you to all and sundry. But life just isn’t like that and you have to allow people grace. If they really hadn’t wanted you along then they probably would never have mentioned it in the first place. If you think the people you are surrounding yourself with are deliberately trying to make you feel rejected and left out then it is time to surround yourself with new people! However the chances are, that you know they didn’t mean to hurt you and if that is true then they also didn’t mean to exclude you.
This person’s partner is a bit of a social butterfly, and I think it upsets them by comparison that their partner easily makes friends who seem to pop in and call and make impromptu invitations all the time while they don’t have that for themselves. To be fair, their partner is also not an initiator. They are kind and funny and open and a brilliant listener which is a really big asset in friendships. So their partner just finds people who like to talk and they like to listen and; hey presto, look who’s the new flavour of the month?! That said, when they’re at a loss, those same people are unlikely to be available at a moments notice and are not always as caring and concerned in return. I think this person fails to notice their partner’s friendships also lack reciprocity because of the regularity of contact and the appearance of being sought after.
Male and female friendships are a bit different. Male friendships tend to focus around activities and so there is pressure to be a good player or a widely handy or knowledgeable etc…. to be valued. However what is the star of the group without the other teammates to look up to him? Perhaps we need to stop and see the value in being one of the team rather than the star? Although there will still be the star of every group, it is often more about the company, the game, and the enjoyment. An excuse to get together and play.
The real problem my these types of people face appears to be a lack of vulnerability. They both want those friends who make you feel amazing when they pick you and start calling and making invitations. The ones confident enough to make the first move. Confidence is attractive after all, even in platonic pairings. And feeling chosen makes a person feel valued. But if you want that feeling, maybe others want it too? Maybe someone has to go first. To make the first invitation. To be the first to express feelings or thoughts or troubles and open up? To be that excited one about someone else and see if it sparks.
To be prepared to approach a stranger and strike up a conversation or see an opening and invite people over for dinner, then to be patient and see what friendships spark and not take the ones that don’t so personally.
They do say in order to have good friends, you need to be a good friend. While some of us are good at reciprocating and see that as a love language, others appreciate feeling chosen first sometimes too. And the best part about choosing rather than being chosen is that you don’t have to choose anyone who doesn’t seem to reciprocate. You just have to be brave enough to cast your line and see what bites. Just like fish, some will swim by, some will take the bait but free themselves before you can reel them in and some will need to be thrown back in. But a rare few will be keepers and you wont give a second thought to the ones you didn’t catch, and you wont give up after one quiet attempt. Teach a man to fish and all that….. Not to mention there’s always literally plenty more friendship fish in the sea!
❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx
