There have definitely been times in my life when I have felt a friend pulling away from me. Times when I felt the distance growing between us painfully slowly and either tried to hold on to that friend tightly and demand time, attention and explanations or times when I took the distance so personally that it felt less painful to let them go than to tolerate the distance growing.
I wont lie, to this day, 8 years after I started this blog, I still occasionally revert to old patterns of thinking and have to catch myself quickly before I cause the ending I fear. Because dear readers, both holding on too tightly to a friend, and letting them go will usually end up in an ending. One instigated by them and the other by you. Neither feels good. And both leave you wondering if you could or should have acted differently to reach a friendlier outcome.
The answer to this is typically yes, you could have acted differently, but you didn’t, and it is much harder to recover from this. Prevention is better than cure and all that jazz. One of my most popular posts was “what to do when a friend is pushing you away” for a reason. That reason is because we DO feel it when space is growing between friends. We do notice when changes happen and we do feel pain over it. This is especially true when we ourselves were happy with the way things were or are the types of people who feel anxious around changes in general.
I understand that letting go of someone you want to hold on to feels counterintuitive and I understand that when you feel this way it feels more like your friend is actively putting space between you to get away from you quietly rather than “growing apart” which implies a more mutual growth in separate directions. However, in my experiences, once time has allowed perspective to settle it is often the case that my friends lives were growing and changing and they weren’t actively trying to push me away as much as they were investing their energy in different things.
I don’t like to accept that for many people friendship is the lowest rung on the relationship scale, but whether I like to accept it or not, doesn’t make it any less true. It does mean I am better suited to fostering friendships with others who also value friendships as much as I do, on the basis that I have the time and energy to do so. But even when I find those people, time and life changes peoples priorities all the time, as I discussed in a recent post “Phases and Stages, Changes and Chapters” which aims to point out that even things we feel are certainties can change in an instant and it is often outside of anyone’s control.
Which is why I often need to take my own advice, take a step back, and decide that in order to hold on to the friendship, I need to find ways to let go of my friend and let them grow away from me. This is not always easy, and it does often hurt. But there are probably friends who have endured this pain for me too, as I have grown in different directions over the years too, and I am grateful that they allowed me some grace and some space to live my life even when it meant there was less time and energy coming their way as a result.
Perhaps this is even the essence of friendship? I have never been a fan of those memes that say things like low maintenance friends are the best. I don’t agree; as it doesn’t fit my life or my circumstances. But I can see why it does for some super busy people who have little time for friendship and both feel grateful they give and accept less without insult. Good for them. For me, with a smaller family circle and as someone who is not in the paid workforce, if I only had friends with no time or energy I would be very lonely. However, when I have a wider network and an array of friends to meet my needs, it is easier to still enjoy the friends with much less to offer and not necessarily have it mean that we are not as close.
However, when a close friend, or someone you spend a lot of time with, starts growing away from you, it DOES leave a bit of a hole in your own life, and it is natural that you notice that! What isn’t helpful is telling yourself that you need this specific person to fill that hole. That isn’t their job. That is your job. Added to which it is also your job to support your friends growth even when it takes them away from you.
The good news is that you don’t even need to make a new friend to fill the void your old friend left. You might have other friends you could start seeing more to meet the need, or, you might take up a new hobby. New hobbies often lead to new connections and even if they don’t, if you are passionate about it you will enjoy time spent on this next venture instead of sitting around missing your friend, wondering what you did to upset them (when you didn’t do anything, it isn’t about you) and being angry and resentful that they don’t miss you. (Firstly, they probably do miss you and wish they could have more time together and secondly if they don’t it’s probably because their own mind is engaged elsewhere on more urgent or exciting things.)
Bring Me The Horizon “Teardrops”
If you feel distance creeping in between yourself and a good friend, let your hurt and anger and resentment go if you want to keep your friendship. Acknowledge that your friend is growing, their life is growing and you should be supporting them through this growth and exploring ways in which your own life will grow as a result. Allow them the grace not to take it personally, not to take issue and to make sure you value what they still have to offer.
Don’t make my mistakes and try to hold on tighter. To ask pressing questions about why they are withdrawing and to burden them with heaviness that you miss them terribly and make them feel weighed down and obligated to you. Because if people feel unable to grow with you, or that you are unable to accept their growth, they will detach from you completely. If they or you detach completely; the friendship is over. If you are able to allow them the space the friendship stays intact. It does change, you may be or feel less close, but it is nicer to be able to catch up with them every so often without animosity than have to avoid them in the local shops forever.
I suppose it is called maturity. Accepting things as they are even if you wish they were different. And knowing that although it hurts, it’s going to be ok. Actually it’s going to be better than ok. You are going to be close to other people in your lifetime and this will be just a memory. You are going to be happy eventually, with or without this friend. How long you suffer depends entirely on how long you see the closed door as opposed to looking for the open window.
Let your friends go, so your friendships can grow.
❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx
