Sometimes it can be easy to let a friend down because we didn’t show up for them in the ways they needed or expected. Maybe we were too busy, or we forgot that it was a special day for them because we got caught up in our own lives. Or maybe we didn’t know what to say, or whatever they were going through made us uncomfortable. Or maybe we just didn’t even think, we didn’t even realise that they needed us.
Some slights are smaller than others. I remember once feeling I had let a friend down because during her divorce, when she needed me, I would pick up the phone. However, she later mentioned how much she had valued the support of a different friend who had showed up at a moments notice with coffee. Who had sent flowers just because and who had left several care packages at her door. My support, although quite frequently offered and required, seemed to pail in comparison. My friend never held this against me, or so much as said these are the things she had expected, but I could tell from the conversation how much more supported she had felt by this other friend.
I had another friend who left my life, because she felt I wasn’t there for her when her grandmother passed away. Truth be told, I didn’t know her grandmother had passed away, but that was of course, part of the problem. I had known how close she was to her grandmother, and I had known she was unwell, however I had failed to check in for updates on her health and how my friend was coping with the slow decline in health. She hadn’t felt cared for and supported. My lack of interest, probably due to being too absorbed in my own life, was the whole issue. I did not really know my own grandparents, and therefore didn’t really understand the gravity of the loss for my ex friend. My inability to relate, translated as an awkward silence as I didn’t really know what to say. That was a harsh lesson to learn, but ultimately, I did learn.
One of my dearest and closest friends recently had the misfortune of losing her mother. It was not so much a sudden passing, although the end is always jarringly sudden I suppose, but the result of a diagnosis in which a timeframe of expected life was given. Once again, I did not know what to say. Nothing I said could make this situation even a tiny bit better. Nothing I did had the power to change the outcome of the diagnosis. But while I knew that nothing I did or said mattered, doing nothing very much mattered. So I sent flowers, and I checked in regularly for updates and I offered whatever services I could, although none were heeded or needed. I told my friend that I didn’t really know what to say, but that I was there to listen to anything she had to say.
And so my friend could confide in me, about the struggles, mentally, emotionally, physically and financially. She could talk about her sadness and her anger. Her frustration and her memories. She could talk about it, or not talk about it. We went out and had some fun, to distract her, or I would whittle on about my own, way less important problems just so she wasn’t carrying the heaviness for a moment. Then there were times when she would cry, and I would just sit with her and be there, offering a tissue and a shoulder. On the first Mother’s Day she faced alone, I sent her a video collage of her mum to a lovely song, and just said that I was thinking of her on this hard day.
When it was time for the funeral, I was there. I was one of the few people who weren’t a member of her direct family to attend. I hadn’t been sure if it was appropriate for me to attend, but I wanted to be there, just to show my support for her. So I talked to her about it, with a completely open mind. I knew there was every possibility that she would say it was only for family, and that was fine with me, but that if she wanted me there, if she thought it might help even the teeniest amount, that I would like to attend.
This wasn’t an easy decision for me, because this friend and I have a romantic history, so I knew her family well for a time… however, obviously when the relationship failed, I fell further out of favour… never having been their favourite person to begin with. I didn’t want to make my friend futher uncomfortable or make her family upset by my presence. I didn’t want her current partner to feel that I didn’t know my place. I didn’t want to cause her any more discomfort. So I didn’t really know what was the best thing to do.
I asked another friend of mine, who had recently experienced a few deaths in her own family, what she felt I should do. She told me that if it were her, she would want me to be there. Expect me to be there. Need me to be there. She asked what I would want, if I were in my friend’s unfortunate position and I too said of course I would want her to be there. That I would need the support of my nearest and dearest, and that definitely extended to my friends. I can’t say I would expect them to be there, only that I would like it if they were.
The friend that I turned to for advice, said she thought I should go, sit quietly at the back, and just show that I was there, as I had always been, and would always be. But under the circumstances, to discuss it with my friend who was arranging the funeral first, to see what she was comfortable with. So I did, and my friend said she hadn’t expected me to be there, but my presence would be very comforting and welcome.
So I showed up. While I offered to be of assistance, all I really did, was be there, hug my friend, tell her I loved her, hugged her son and her partner and sat quietly at the back. Afterwards, I reassured my friend she had organized a lovely service that did her mum justice. She told me my presence had made a difference, it was comforting and had made the day a little easier knowing she had someone in her corner, if she needed it.
That is the value in showing up. Even when it is uncomfortable or painful or when there are no words. Sometimes being there for a friend, literally just means being there. I’ll always be there for my friends, even if I am still learning the different ways they need me to show up. The important part is just showing up at all.
❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx
