I was listening to some of my old music in the car the other day, and “Step by Step” came on. Happily singing away, I was interrupted by a phone call from a dear friend. Answering the call on speaker, I said hello before muting the music. “What on earth are listening to?” My friend demanded. I told her the song. She hadn’t heard of it. She asked who sang it, and I could not for the life of me remember. Singing the lyrics to her wasn’t helpful and we laughed that I was showing my age, being a whole 19 months her senior.
It was bugging me that I couldn’t remember the artist! Maybe I really was showing my age! Haha When I got home I did what we all do, and I googled it. New Kids On The Block of course?! How could I forget? And how could my friend not know this song? I digress. The band name got me thinking about a friend of mine who has recently started a new hobby, and the unwritten rules that exist around joining an already established group of friends as the newbie.
Personally, I am not a fan of group friendships, but at times they really can’t be avoided, like in this situation when someone joins a project that was already underway, and a solid group had already formed well before your arrival. In this instance, it just so happens that my friend, who is female, was joining a group of male friends. I don’t know how relevant that is to the dynamic, as I suppose it is fair to say that most groups have some sort of initiation period whereby the newcomer is assessed for their worthiness and may be considered a threat initially.
This was certainly the case with my friend, who noticed in the beginning she was playfully ridiculed, and her input was not really taken seriously. Her suggestions were not considered – rather laughed off or completely ignored, and she knew she had to keep showing up in order to earn their trust and respect. There was the idea, like within many circles, that women were not as competent as men in the field and only there for equality instead of quality.
My friend had to observe the dynamics of the group carefully. She assessed who seemed to be the leaders of the pack, and who seemed to be the followers. Once she identified the weakest link, she started making more effort to talk to him, build up his work, not to mention his ego, and at all times make sure she was friendly, not overly sensitive and in no way a threat. Rather, she wanted to join the group and add to it’s already strong content. With some time, and persistence, my friend and the weakest link, began co-collaborating on a side project together.
The others noticed, and started paying attention. Suddenly some of the others were inviting her to collaborate with them too. This seemed like a positive sign, however it was not lost on her that there were still jabs and mild attempts at under the radar sabotage. Attempts to deliberately provoke her into becoming upset so as they could label her the “typical woman” and downcast her accordingly. But my friend was smarter than that. She wasn’t taking any bait. She rolled with the punches and she started giving back just as much strong banter as they were throwing her way. Slowly, she started noticing a change in their respect levels.
While initially her input was ignored, now there were several occasions when the group sought her opinion. She was invited to the group chat. She was included in personal conversations about their private lives and the gossip about the behind the scenes and the higher up’s. They were now asking her to be included in her own projects. She finally started to feel like one of the gang instead of the newbie. One of the boys rather than the woman who doesn’t belong. They were recommending her work with pride, rather than jest, and even asking her for tips and feedback on their own contributions. When one of the strongest members of the pack moved on, she was invited to take his place.
It is never easy being the new kid on the block. Many people who are trying to initiate themselves into a clique or an established group make the mistake of trying too hard to impress the alpha of the group. This only serves to put the others against you and confirms suspicions that you are a threat. It is important to be confident, but to also demonstrate that you wish to join and add to the dynamics, not rearrange the structure or divide and conquer. The hardest part about this is showing up consistently to a group of people who make you feel unwelcome and maybe even disliked.
You need to remember to hold your own, step into your power and never hesitate in your belief that you have something of quality to offer. By being your authentic self, rather than working to impress, you will gain their attention and respect. By not rushing or acting over familiar too quickly. By waiting for invitation rather than interjecting yourself too forcefully. Calm confidence is attractive. An ability to take the heat and give it back playfully whilst not letting it get to you demands a certain amount of respect. Not caring too much what they think of you is powerful.
If you are the new kid on the block, be unapologetically you! Even if that means owning that you regularly listen to the likes of Jason Donovan, Tiffany and New Kids On The Block in your car at full volume unashamedly. Know your worth and let them get to know it in their own time. And remember, it won’t be too long before someone else is the new “kid on a corner!” (Click the link and you will see what I did there with that sneaky Tiffany reference!)
❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx
