Because I write about friendships, read about friendships and care a great deal about the subject and how friendships affect our mental health, it shouldn’t come as any surprise to you that when people I know have friendship issues, they turn to me for guidance and support.
One of the most common friendship complaints I get, tends to be about push and pull pals. Hot and cold, cat and mouse type of situations. These typically occur during the initial courting period, although not always. (I say courting in reference to the beginnings of a friendship sprouting and attempting to grow, I feel there isn’t really a word for that in our language, similar to the ending of a friendship which is also often referred to as a break up for lack of better terms.)
In general, it involves 2 people that meet regularly under a certain context, be it in a church or a gym class or at the dog park. It begins as someone you chat to politely about surface level topics once a twice a week. Initially, it’s probably of little consequence to either of you. But after a longer stretch you find you start looking forward to your little chats and are disappointed if they aren’t there. When they return, you ask if everything is ok, because you are growing concern for them. Next thing you know, they are asking how your doctors appointment went, and shortly after that you exchange numbers.
It’s nice and exciting to make a new friend, at any age. But there seems to be a concerning pattern of the new friend being super keen, and then disinterested, or giving what feels like mixed signals. This too, is not unique to a specific age range. And it can be an awkward thing to talk about, not least because you actually don’t know how to describe this person or your relationship. Is it an acquaintance or a friend? Is it a new friend or just a potential friend? Is it a casual friend or just a neighbour? And, if you aren’t even sure how to describe your relationship, why are you worried about it? Why should someone you hardly know be on your mind? Does it even matter?
The reason this person is on your mind, is because you like them, and you would like them to become a friend. The reason you are worried about it and analysing the signs, is because you aren’t sure if the sentiment is actually reciprocated. Sometimes you think it is, then the next you aren’t so sure.
Let’s say, for examples sake, that this new person invites you out to see a local theatre production, and you have a lovely time together. You stop for coffee after the matinee and your conversation flows easily, and although isn’t deeply personal, gets below the surface of the weather and the news and the context of your meeting. You leave the evening feeling really happy and pleased that you feel you have made a new friend. You tell your partner when you get home how much you appreciate this new person and share your hopes that the 2 of you might become closer. Then you message them to say you had a lovely time with them and suggest a different activity to try in a few weeks time.
They read your message, but do not respond. I don’t know many people who wouldn’t start to wonder, after a few days, if they didn’t share the sentiment, and perhaps feel a little embarrassed about your enthusiasm if they actually did not have an enjoyable afternoon. You can’t fathom why, when you thought it went so well, and ruminate on the happenings to see if you can identify signs or something you did or said that might have put them off.
The next time you see them, in the original context, they smile and say hello, tell you that they are sorry they can’t make it to the event you suggested as they are throwing a dinner party that night. At the conclusion of the meeting, you hear someone else thanking your new friend for the invitation to the dinner party, and wonder why you weren’t invited, when you believed you were closer to them than the person they did invite. You remind yourself to be mature and understand that invitations to such events have to stop somewhere and your new friend is trying to make new connections which is admirable. You decide to accept that the friendship didn’t spark for them, no matter the reason and put it out of your mind.
Then, a few days later, this person calls you and you have quite a personal conversation about their relationship troubles, and again, you are wondering where you stand. If they didn’t consider you a friend, why confide in you, and if they do consider you a friend, why did they reject your invitation, not extend an invite to their party and not respond to your message at least with a counter offer… or at all? Should you just move on, or keep trying?
The answer to this, is kind of both and kind of neither. The confusion around this is uncomfortable and you would like to be out of the limbo stage, and know where you stand. Are you friends, or not? The answer is not yet. You may have a desire to grow this friendship at a faster pace than the other person. An all or nothing attitude here will only ensure that you are not friends. And I can tell you from experience that I have friendships that planted seeds a few years before they sprouted and another few years before they blossomed. I wouldn’t have had these wonderful connections if I stopped watering them all together.
You cannot control the outcome, nor the pace, however, it hurts not to keep an open mind, be friendly, but keep your expectations low. Offer them the opportunity to be a friend in return by sharing something vulnerable of your own and see if they are able to and interested in providing you with support. Encourage them to invest in your friendship by being warm and accommodating, listening when they feel like talking, accepting invitations they do extend and being patient when they do not. Extend your own invitations even if they never take you up on it, without any pressure. Do not make the mistake of taking any refusals personally. If they are still reaching out to you in any context, the friendship is still sprouting, the potential is there, you can feel that, it’s just that the conditions just aren’t right yet.
They may never be right. This might just be how they are as a person, preferring to have many friends they see once a year than a few they see more often. They may really like you, but already have a full social calendar and aren’t really looking for the same level of friendship as you are right now. Maybe they are someone who has a flavour of the month friend, that they rotate between on some sort of unspoken roster, that only they understand. If so, it’ll be your turn again, and when it isn’t, perhaps it is just because someone else needs them now more than you do? Or maybe they are just a restless social butterfly with a limited attention span, who sometimes feels like connecting then suddenly needs to retreat? You wont know straight away, because you can’t know someone quickly – but over time they will reveal themselves. Which is why it isn’t wise to jump too quickly into friendships anyway in the first place before you really know them. But once you do, all you can do is accept them as they are and what they have to offer, when they offer it.
If it is too hurtful or confusing for you to tolerate, then all you have to do is pull back a little yourself. Offer less support or show less interest. Answer messages and calls less frequently and return to being cordial. Basically, mirror back to them the same energy and effort they are showing you, which isn’t unfriendly, but also isn’t much. It definitely is more friendly than friends.
Not everything is black and white… not everything has a clear or immediate answer. And it doesn’t need definitive action. Let it unfold naturally. It might be beautiful and well worth the wait. You never know. If not, what did you lose?
❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx
