My son made a new friend at work recently, and I was so proud of him, because when he started the job and I mentioned that perhaps he would make some new friends, he scoffed at the idea and exclaimed that he already had friends, and did not need any more! Haha I tried to tell him that we continue making friends our whole lives, sometimes intentionally, but often circumstantially – like working together, but at the time he was having none of that nonsense! In case it wasn’t obvious, my son is on the ASD spectrum, so sometimes he requires a bit of a social story or script to help him navigate changes.
As my son was telling me about the new lad he had befriended, I asked how old this boy was. My son couldn’t tell me, nor could he tell me if this guy could drive, where he went to school or much else at all. At least he did know his name! That’s a start. So, I took the opportunity to explain to my son that when someone becomes a friend, it is customary to get to know them, by showing interest and asking questions about themselves.
Next thing you know, this young lad is being bombarded with questions about his age and driving status, and all matter of other things. I am always pleased when my son takes my advice and is willing to grow and learn, because change is so difficult for him, but he really does want to get it right in life. So situations like these need to be handled carefully, because while he took my advice, and was indeed showing interest, his questions were coming across in such a way that it seemed more like an interview, or even an interrogation rather than a conversation or an exchange of information, sharing interesting things about themselves to one another.
My son, disheartened, insisted he was only doing what I had told him to do, and, to be fair, he was right. I should know by now just how literally my son takes things, and I had not done a good job of explaining the nuances and that it should be a casual conversation, whereby you slowly get to know someone and you both share things with each other, as they become relevant, and that you couldn’t learn everything there was to know about someone in one text exchange. Not only that, but done all at once like this, was too rigid, formal and impersonal, despite that being the opposite of his intention.
But the truth is, maybe I wasn’t the best person to be trying to teach him this lesson, because in all honesty, this is probably an area in which I have struggled somewhat too. Maybe we all have? I am guilty of asking too many questions, and not always knowing or toeing the line of how much a person, particularly a new person to my life, is comfortable sharing. I am also a listener more than a talker generally speaking, which means I might not actually leave room for myself in the conversation, while I am so busy learning all about them! I really should learn to say, for example, “I am a big fan of 90’s music, what music are you interested in?” Then allow the conversation to permeate there for a time before a more natural transition comes up, rather than jumping straight to “we would have been in high school then, what school did you attend? B
I do sometimes find I have been friends with someone for quite some time before I realise that while I know their whole life story, they know virtually nothing about me and mine. It can feel hurtful that they haven’t been interested enough to ask, but it may also be true that I have been more comfortable redirecting the conversation back in their direction when they have tried. It could be the pervasive idea that there is nothing interesting about me, or low self esteem in questioning why anyone would be interested. It could be a defense mechanism that works on the belief that if I open up to new people, I will start investing and stand to get hurt when they don’t like what they hear, or even an insecurity that if I reveal myself, my true self, that they really wont like me. Regardless, it is something I do need to work on myself.
I know others, who suffer the opposite affliction too. These people are the talkers, and yes, we are often drawn to each other. These people may have some narcissistic traits and qualities, although by no means am I calling them full blown narcs. It’s just that they seem to find themselves endlessly interesting, funny, and intelligent and they seem to feel that they are enlightening you by gracing you with their company in the first place. And they warmed to me, a listener instantly, because not many people have had the patience and tolerance to listen to them go on about themselves endlessly. They are probably unaware that they even do this, or that they ask questions only because they are waiting for their turn to speak. For example, they ask how your weekend was, but before you have even started answering they have launched into a story about their own…. And that was the real reason they raised the topic in the first place.
This leads me to conclude that as a listener, I need to share more actively, and ask questions in such a way that I first share something about myself before asking the other person about themselves. While some of my talker friends, need to be the ones who sometimes ask, and then actively listen to my answer, because being asked about does feel good. It does show interest and care, as long as it is done in the right manner. Added to which, I need to be mindful that there is no rush to know everything about someone all at once. Nor any need for them to know or care about every aspect of myself either.
Actually, because actions speak louder than words at the end of the day, there are things you cannot and will not know about people by listening to them anyway. Over time, people reveal themselves slowly. When they tell you about themselves, by all means listen, and take their word for that, however we must be open to the possibility that none of us are as great, nor as terrible as we may believe ourselves to be. I mean, I call myself a listener, not a talker… yet it is not lost on me that the only real voice in this blog is my own, nor that I definitely have at least one friend who would classify me as a talker not a listener. Different people bring out different sides of us, after all.
Essentially, I am saying show interest, interview someone slowly over the course of time, and make sure you are sharing in equal measure, to keep the balance and keep it reciprocal. And be mindful of when you enter interrogation mode, as this is where boundaries are crossed. Just because someone asked you something, does not mean you are obliged to answer or disclose more than you are comfortable with.
More on that next week!
❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx
