A few months back, I posted about a falling out I had with a close friend, and the apology and reconciliation that followed. Our friendship did not fracture in that conflict, but it is safe to say it sustained some damage, and despite the fact that conflict, when handled correctly, can actually bring 2 people closer, without the required communication, it can also leave the friendship in a state of disrepair. This is where my friend and I have found ourselves. Unwilling to let go and unable to really move forward.
This is not the first time our friendship has taken a hard hit where it hurts, and the last time actually did fracture the friendship. We took over a year apart, to cool off and lick our respective wounds before finding ourselves drawn back together for round 2. Well, round 2, wasn’t necessarily what we considered it to be, at the time, but given our current circumstances, it is fair to say that is how it ended up. The thing is, that we never really discussed that first fracture. It was water under the bridge and bringing it up would only throw us back in to drown a second time.
Onwards and upwards. We had each learned a fair bit about each other, both during our friendship, and our time apart. We had both reflected on some things, and decided to approach each other this time, in a less intense way. There was never any doubt that we loved each other, in fact, we loved each other enough to be mindful of the weak spots, and keep the jabs light. A playful game of sparring with the understanding that if this was a boxing match, for one to win, the other had to lose, which made us both losers. So we kept it much less complicated by using jokes and junk food at the forefront and pesky emotions tucked away.
This did work, except for the fact that it felt more like a façade than a friendship at times, and it lacked authenticity. While we wanted to be as close as we once were, and we acted as if we were just as close, beneath the surface, emotions were building that were not being expressed. It was only a matter of time before one, or both of us broke. As you’d expect, what could have been a vent of steam slowly over time, instead built into a massive explosion, which is probably exactly where the expression ‘mountains out of molehills’ originated. One small crack, the straw that broke the camels back.
And although we continue flying forward together, since then, both pilots appear to be in the brace position, neither taking the controls and flying the plane. Autopilot has got us this far, however, sooner or later it starts inevitably running low on fuel and we can’t land and refuel with neither of us at the controls. As a matter of fact, both of us need to be at the controls for this, working effectively as a team. So we need to get ourselves out of the brace position and try to save the aircraft or it will certainly crash just as we both fear it will.
Unfortunately for us, this means communicating about the conflict between us. Or, more specifically, the damage each of us has sustained in the last crash landing and the resulting damage to the friendship. We are both frightened, because the trust has been the part hardest hit. As a result, neither is wanting or willing to say “I am hurting.” But the truth is exactly that. We have hurt each other and being vulnerable again feels terrifying.
Luckily for us, my friend has travelled a fair bit this year, and for some strange reason, we are able to talk a little more openly when we are not face to face. So, when my friend kept asking me for favours in her absence, I was able to express that it felt like she was only keeping in touch when she wanted something, and she was able to address that, apologise, explain that she asks me because she knows I am reliable and she can depend on me, and that she doesn’t like the idea that I think she asks too much of me. She then sent me a beautiful little thing about best friends and I felt inspired to tell her that I felt the same ways, but that it felt things were not good between us at the moment. She agreed, and we sent a few thoughts about this. She said she felt I was no longer vulnerable with her anymore, and hadn’t been in a long while. I agreed with her, and reflected that currently we don’t feel safe with each other, and we need to address this, in order to fix us. We shared a joke about how awkward this conversation was going to be, but equally important, because if I no longer felt safe telling her when I was hurt or upset, she wouldn’t know and it would only get worse.
This was my friend’s way of asking me to explain why we had fallen out earlier in the year. Something I did not want to directly discuss, and something I knew would be hard for her to hear. But she is right, if I don’t disclose which behaviours are triggering me, then she cannot address or change them. If I don’t trust her enough to let her in, then I only shut her out, and if I shut her out emotionally, she may as well still be shut out of my life. This is why we are struggling. I have not been able to let her back in.
I don’t want to lose this person, and I had been afraid that telling her the things bothering me would only cause more problems, because really, they can’t be solved. Our lives have both changed and as a result, so has our friendship. This is a perfectly normal progression. But what was really holding us back is not that she cannot solve the problems, it is that she is not sharing the emotional load with me. I have to tell her what I am carrying so she can help me hold it up and hold it together!
And so, we had the awkward conversation. It wasn’t about who was wrong and who was right. It was about opening up to each other again, opening our hearts and the channels of communication. It is one thing to be open and honest about your positive feelings, however if you cannot communicate your more difficult emotions and issues, you actually can’t really connect, or in our case, reconnect.
My friend was patient with me. She understood we needed some distance from the fall out to discuss it more freely, and she trusted me to open up to her again in time. It feels so much better now I have and we can be real with one another. My next challenge is to raise things in real time rather than repressing until I explode again. Being authentic and vulnerable is hard during times of conflict, but you’ve got to do it, if you want to get through it….
❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx
