Last week we talked about listening and sharing, and how to show interest in a new friend, or even an old one, without making them feel interviewed or interrogated. At the end of that post, I touched on the issue of a friend asking you something you don’t feel comfortable sharing, and I wanted to explore that further this week.
I completely admit to being a bit guilty of interviewing new people. It isn’t intentional, I just love getting to know new people and learning all about them, their lives, and what has brought them to this point in their journey and made them who they are today. Human nature and armchair psychology fascinates me, and I really want to understand the people in my circle and how they tick. So it’s ironic that sometimes the very thing I am trying to achieve to bring us closer, is the very same thing that ends up pushing them away.
One person in my circle, for example, often complains that her adult son only communicates with her sporadically, only tells her what he wants her to know, and frequently does not answer her calls, texts or emails. She adds that on the occasions he does respond, he only shares parts of his life, ignores many of her questions and leaves her feeling unwanted in his life. This rejection is painful, and as my own son is on the cusp of adulthood now, I am sure I will be able to relate much more in the years to come.
However, I am not quite there yet, and so I find myself reminding this person that her son is an adult, he is entitled to his privacy. She argues of course that the things she wants to know about are not overtly personal, that she is just interested in the comings and goings of his day to day life, as she shares the day to day of hers. It is lost on her that he is disinterested in what she had for dinner on Saturday night, or what her next door neighbour’s daughter’s best friend’s uncle said about her neighbour and the ensuing feud. She feels rejected both by his lack of interest in her own life, and his lack of interest in sharing his own life.
I find myself defending her son, assuring her that he is busy, that he does not have time at this stage of his life, while he is married and raising young kids of his own, to include her in every detail of his existence, and so when he does take the time to reply to her email, he only has 5 or 10 minutes to do so, he might not be inclined to answer every little question about every little thing – he needs to stick to the point. As nice as long lingering conversations may be, his life is not in a place right now to allow that relaxed free flow of conversation.
When he doesn’t answer questions she wants answers to, I have no doubt in my mind that she simply asks again. She doesn’t mean to be intrusive, and doesn’t consider herself to be such, and when the questions are benign, such as “how did grandchild go at team sports this weekend?” or caring such as “what did the doctor say at your appointment last week?” she feels excluded from his life when he still doesn’t answer. While the truth may be that he really doesn’t know how his kid went at sports or that the doctor’s appointment was general and benign and not worth mentioning, the only possibility she can see is that he doesn’t want her to know!
And is it so bad if he doesn’t? Does she NEED to know the answers to these questions? No. She wants to know, is interested to know and is attempting to show interest and care… the same interest and care she wishes he would reciprocate by asking and showing interest in her own life. However, just because she asked, more than once, does not mean that he is obligated to tell her. And if he feels a boundary is being crossed, because she is disrespecting his right to privacy with intrusive questions, he will only pull away further.
And actually, I can relate to this in both senses. I definitely have at least one person in my life who demands more information with than I am always interested in sharing. I am a fairly open book with most people, and I do like it when people ask questions because it feels like they care. So, while it is uncommon, I may skip over a question I don’t want to answer, because I feel the answer wont be the one she wants to hear, and I am not interested in her thoughts and feelings on what she thinks I should have said or done. That said, if pressed, in the spirit of keeping communication open, I will usually offer a vague answer that is not untrue, but not entirely true either and move the conversation along nicely.
I also remember a situation where a friend and I would exchange long emails. In these emails we would share and ask questions and cover a range of topics about life and love, and it was easy to skip over a question or not answer, undeliberately (how is that not a word?!) and so I may ask again, if the question was missed. To be honest, I am not sure how many times this happened, or how many times I may have re-asked the same question that my friend was clearly intentionally avoiding, however she soon became exasperated with my unintended intrusiveness and retorted that when she did not answer my questions, it was not an invitation to ask them again. I felt hurt and blindsided by this assertion of her boundaries, as I genuinely had no idea I was doing this and we had shared very openly before, so I wasn’t aware that I was crossing any boundary. I felt this person must think poorly of me to be so insistent and nosey, and after that I felt unsafe to ask questions about her or her life, because I was unsure what would be considered off limits, and was not interested in a second scolding.
It isn’t that I didn’t want to respect her boundaries, the truth was simply that I didn’t understand what they were. I can’t recall if I apologized, although I suspect I didn’t, nor did I communicate that I had not understood where the boundary was crossed so I could be mindful not to cross it again. Similarly, the friend in question also did not take the time to communicate with me which topics felt safe for her, and which did not. Essentially it was a miscommunication, when really all the above scenarios could easily have been solved by saying directly “I know you only ask because you care and you are genuinely interested, which I appreciate, however this is a topic I don’t feel comfortable discussing, and I would prefer not to answer your questions about it. I hope you understand.” Or “I’m sorry I crossed a boundary there. Of course you don’t have to answer my questions just because I ask, however, it would help me if you replied with “I’d rather not discuss that” so I understand where the boundary lies next time.”
It is ok to have boundaries, and it is ok to ask friends to respect them. But both sides have to be mature enough to communicate what the boundaries are and where the line is, without losing positive regard and believing the best intentions of one another to continue the connection. Without clear communication, boundaries can seem counterintuitive to connection, so this needs to be addressed delicately.
❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx
