As with most things in this life, people tend to fall more on a spectrum between being direct and blunt or indirect and diplomatic in their conversation style. While you may tend to fall on the blunt side, that is not to say you cannot judge a situation when a more diplomatic response is required, or vice versa. However, in this post I wanted to explore closer friendships and conversations where we speak more openly and filter ourselves way less.
Where we fall on the spectrum, may be perceived differently by different people. While I feel I am definitely more indirect and diplomatic, often to the point I am lost in translation, I have at least one friend who often compliments me on my directness and authenticity with her. This would be understandable if she fell even higher on the diplomacy scale than me, but actually she would probably be my most direct and bluntest friend.
My friend values this trait in other people, and in herself. There is nothing wrong with that, and I am glad she can hear my point even when I don’t say it as loudly as she might. For example; my friend mentioned recently that she has gained some weight, and was starting some strategies to deal with this and change the outcome. She later expressed that she valued the fact that I didn’t immediately respond with the standard “You look great as you are, I don’t think you have gained weight.” In that situation, I didn’t need to agree, her body is not my business nor my concern, and she wasn’t asking for my feedback. However my friend heard in my silence “You have gained weight and I can’t deny it.”
It is important to note here I still think my friend looks great either way, but another friend has indicated in conversations that commenting on someone’s size, big or small, weight loss tactics or diet is unacceptable and it is the individual’s opinion on the matter that counts. So discounting someone who says “I’ve gained weight” regardless if they are a size 6 or a size 36 is unnecessary – they are expressing how they feel about themselves, which is ultimately what matters.
Anyway, getting back on point, I can see why my friend chose to see my silence as a clear statement. Where a part of her definitely wanted me to say “No, really? I can’t tell” she already knew the truth and confirming it for her, albeit silently, motivated her to take the steps she wants to for her future self. That’s not to say everyone hears the things I do not say, or even the things I do. While this same friend heard me on this occasion, I can think of a few occasions where I have felt the need to be very direct with her, and she still managed to justify and ignore me at the time because what I said wasn’t what she wanted to hear.
We are all guilty of this. This is the main reason I fluctuate on the spectrum, because I will offer my opinion or advice gently at first, and if the person shoots me down or disagrees, I know that they are either not asking for my opinion or my advice, or they are really only looking for me to support and confirm whatever it is they think they are right about. I cannot always agree of course, but I can always listen and tell them I understand their view point. Sometimes people need to learn the hard way.
More direct, blunt people, can struggle here. Because they often start off blunt, they can cause rifts in friendships which are hard to recover from. What they are saying may in fact be perfectly true, however if the audience is not wanting to hear it, continuing to force your opinion on someone can come across as an aggressive attack, and indicate that you have no faith in the person to handle themselves or their lives because they are making choices you feel they shouldn’t be. It will usually lead to distance as both people heal their wounds.
What happens here, is that both friends feel hurt. Your direct friend is only being direct because she loves you so fiercely and wants the best for you, to help you and protect you. She is probably frustrated that you cannot see that and get angry and pull away from her. She was only trying to help you because she cares….. However for the more indirect friend despises hearing what she doesn’t want to, feels voiceless when her point is missed or invalidated, and feels weak and defeated. She does not feel loved, heard or seen. She wanted support and she didn’t get it. In future she just wont tell her friend what is going on in her life if it will lead to attacks.
It’s not unrecoverable, however it will be the onus of the direct friend to be less direct in future, even if it is because her friend cannot handle the truth. Sometimes to love people more, ironically we have to love them a little less. This is true for both parties. The truth is, both people just want to be heard. Just because you hear someone, doesn’t mean you agree with them. Maybe one friend likes chocolate a little too much, and doesn’t need anyone to tell her not to eat it, and the other is in a relationship which is equally unhealthy for her, but both people still want to be loved and validated. Neither is going to give up their drug of choice easily until she is ready to do so on her own.
So what is the answer? Just love one another, don’t tell each other how to live your lives…. Friendship is meant to be free of judgement for the most part, remember? We all indulge in things that aren’t good for us occasionally, and make poor choices, we all handle things differently, but usually we are doing the best we can given our situation and circumstances. We are passengers along for the ride on each other’s journey’s. Nobody likes a backseat driver! If you can’t get onboard, and speak to, and love someone the way THEY need to be loved and not the way YOU need to love them, then you probably can’t be friends.
Failing all else, choose to see the best – like when my friend chose to hear what I didn’t say, she chose to see my positive intention towards her (despite confirming a negative) without a single word spoken. Friendship is trusting someone’s positive intent and choosing to focus on that as much as possible. That is love in of itself.
❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx
