When we first lose a friend, we have a tendency to be hurt and angry and lost in the details. At times, those details are so overwhelming they are all we can think about. Replaying the events over in your mind, conversations and how you could have responded differently. Wondering what actually happened and how it all started. Entertaining imaginary future conversations that will probably never eventuate anyways. As always with grief, it can feel like the world is spinning out of control and you can’t keep up. While you’re trying to focus on something that is further and further in the past, the things and people in your life at the present moment are blurred out. Numbness confuses you, and consumes you.
I like to think most of us are familiar with this concept. With other forms of grief, you are granted a period of grace, albeit not usually anywhere near enough, but with this particular form of pain, we are offered very little sympathy, if any at all. I wouldn’t say this is the only type of grief that is minimized and ignored, or where you often feel like you can’t talk to anyone about it, but it’s definitely one of the few. Pretending like you’re ok when you are heartbroken and can think of nothing else is challenging to say the least. It’s asking a person to disconnect from themselves, to not feel their feelings. We all know how impossible this is.
So what tends to happen is people withdraw into themselves, into their heavy heart and busy head space. They overthink the situation and struggle to focus on anything that is actually happening. They may even be called upon to support someone else through a more acceptable form of grief, and accidentally leave a friend a bit disappointed in their lack of effort. Grief is not a competition remember, it is an emotion we are all entitled to feel and process in our own ways. This should be true regardless of the reason, however, sadly, sometimes it isn’t.
While a person is withdrawn into her own mind, she may be missing valuable opportunities to connect with others. Not just by supporting them through their own issues, but by making new connections or strengthening old ones. Pretending you are fine is definitely one way to handle the situation. While it is harder to pull off, faking it til you make it definitely has merit. If you employ this strategy, you will somewhere along the line realise that while you started faking it to distract yourself, you are actually really enjoying yourself again eventually. This is a slow road, but it happens.
Going out with friends is a great way to distract yourself and have some fun, even if you aren’t speaking your truth. The further away from that truth you navigate, the further away it can be from your mind, which is a welcome relief… IF you can actually force yourself to have fun. If, on the other hand, you are more like myself, connections are formed from talking about what’s on your mind. The only way to do this is to start talking to people. About “It.” Test the waters. Start small, and test the person’s reaction to it. See if they can comfort you the way you need to be comforted or offer a perspective you may have missed. Be prepared for disappointment, most people will probably be uncomfortable with this particular conversation.
The people who tell you “it was just a friend.” They are not your people right now. If you’re lucky, you’ll find someone who says “Something like that happened to me once too….” Even if you don’t find that though, if you find someone who sees your pain and validates it and allows you to process it, that person will become valuable to you. Maybe valuable enough to actually fill a little piece of the hole that was left by your former friend. Not a replacement, not a distraction, but a genuine new friendship. Friendships, feeling connected, heard, seen, valued, make us happy. At first talking about this will make you happy, just getting it out. But remember this is not therapy. Eventually the conversation should naturally grow and change and activities should no longer be a distraction to cheer you up.
Don’t forget, when we look back, we have this nasty habit of remembering only the good things and not the bad. Your old friend wasn’t perfect. New friends can’t possibly live up to inflated memories of old ones! Reminiscing definitely causes you to miss out – the bad things in the past and the good things in the present! Don’t forget, if you’re stuck, seek professional guidance. There is no shame in heartbreak over a friend, and even if you feel some shame, therapy is confidential! Tip – the therapist is not a mind reader. She can’t help you if you aren’t honest about everything. What he or she thinks of you doesn’t matter, that is the beauty of it!!!! They aren’t there to judge you, but to help you.
Reminiscing has its place, but don’t look backwards for too long. The future is ahead of you, not behind you, so do what you can to get through it, you never know what or who will be waiting for you when you get there!
❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx
