A few years ago, back in January 2017, I wrote a post For My Mummy Tribe, pertaining to how vital these friendships were over the long summer school holidays. They are lifesavers, and it really helps when your children are friends and want to spend time together. Unavoidably however, children grow and change.
18 months on and I am staring down the barrel of the winter school holidays. These are much easier to fill as they are only 2 weeks instead of 7, however those of you across the globe will be facing summer!!! I thought this was a good time to reflect on the changes I am seeing in my children, and the children of my friends.
Some of these mothers were friends before we had children, and others I only met through the children, however the point remains that mostly we, as adults, haven’t changed THAT much in 18 months and still get along well. The same can’t always be said for our kids though. Some changes have been positive, some neutral but noticeable and others negative, but all of them have to be navigated anyway!
One of my friends has a daughter roughly the same age as my son. They used to be very good friends, however recently I have noticed that my daughter and my friends daughter are suddenly much closer, almost, although not quite, to the exclusion of my son. This is not a complaint, I do realise that girls will be naturally drawn to playing with other girls, and boys to other boys at certain ages. What it does mean is that my son, and my friends son, who is quite a bit younger are often bored during our time together, and we have to find ways to encourage the girls to include the boys. I often tell my daughter she is in charge of babysitting my friends son, and tell my own son his screen time reduces each time he asks to go home!!
Many of my friends with children the same age as my son had girls. As they are approaching their teenage years, this has also caused some shifts…. At times the kids are even more interested in each other, and at times less, acting as though each other have boy or girl germs. Each of them at times tries to impress and also “Outcool” each other with stories that are exaggerated way beyond any semblance of truth. I have heard my son at least refer to a few of these friends as his girlfriends to his mates, although he vehemently denies this if questioned! While I sometimes wonder if any of my friends daughters will actually end up with my son one day, I do understand the chances are slim… not to mention that this could put even more strain on the adult friendships!
I have also posted more recently about my son’s friendships which have blossomed. While these are incredibly powerful and important connections for him, they sometimes cause him to ignore or exclude these friends I have kind of made and sustained for him. Take his birthday party for example, when he was asked to pick teams. All his school buddies and older boys were asked onto his team, leaving the girls and younger kids at a disadvantage, not to mention hurting quite a few feelings. This is an age where we learned why the adults select the teams!!!
Sadly, sometimes these changes and blossoming other social connections with new friends, mean our children no longer really get along, or play nicely together. It can be tricky to navigate this and maintain a friendship with the mother in this case. Depending on the severity of the rift, we choose to do activities together such as movies – nobody has to talk, or rollerskating, where it can be just as enjoyable solo as together. In extreme cases, we may choose to try and catch up without the kids. (Which, in my opinion is no great loss!)
However, sometimes having these conversations can be hard. How do you explain to your friend that your child no longer likes her child, or that her child upsets your child? Sometimes the best approach is not to address it specifically at all, instead just avoiding the issue, declining playdates and suggesting child free catch up’s instead. Sometimes all the kids need is a break from one another for a while! Other times it might be necessary to say that you have noticed the kids struggling to get along lately and you thought it would be best to give them some space, but reaffirm that you still want to maintain a friendship regardless of if the children stay friends.
The hardest thing is when you want to discuss her childs treatment of your child. I don’t advise this, except to tell her you think the kids need a break from each other and you hope they find ways to be friends again in the future. Acknowledge the hormones and changes going on, and ask for advice on how you can tackle the issue together, like should you agree to both talk to your kids about kindness, or expressing anger, or the implications of texting for example? Even if you think your kid doesn’t need the talk! Have it anyway. Show the kids maturity, not blaming or taking sides, and let them know your friendship is important and solid even if theirs isn’t. Also let them and each other know, your own friendship is not dependent on theirs, and they will need to be kind at times even if they are no longer friends.
Be reasonable, not defensive and be open to the fact that your child isn’t perfect either. Don’t force them to be friends. My mother tells me my Nainie (Welsh for Grandmother, pronounced Nine- y) always told her “I’m not getting involved, because you and your friend will be friends again by tomorrow, but her mother and I may never speak again.” Wise woman, I wish I got to meet her. Sounds like she valued her friendships too!
There is power in letting our kids sort these things out for themselves, and accepting that we can’t choose their friends for them. They turn to us for guidance so you better lead by example!
❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx
