When we use terms jealous and possessive, the general assumption is that we are using them in reference to our romantic partner. While these terms have more serious connotations (hopefully) when used in reference to a romantic relationship, they are just as damaging and maybe even more frustrating when we are using them in relation to friendships.
Some people prefer one on one friendships. I totally understand this, because I am one of them. The danger in this tactic however, is only having one friend, or one main friend, and relying too heavily on that friend to meet all of your social and emotional needs. Some singles who fall into this category are the type who are hoping to meet a romantic partner that they consider their best friend and their long-time partner all in one neat package. Meanwhile these types of peoples are prone to, subconsciously, using friendships as sort of stop gap relationships.
If 2 of these people meet and become friends, even platonically, this can actually work. At least for a while, until one of them abandons the other for said love interest anyway. This happens, and it is an issue, but that isn’t the point of this blog. If you’re interested in that, you should read my post about FRelationships, and I’ll write about the ending of one of these soon.
What I am writing about here today though, is when one of these sorts of people befriends someone who isn’t like that. Someone who is very socially active, has many friends, enjoys their time with lots of different people regardless of romantic status. It’s important to point out here that this issue does not rest solely with single people. I have encountered a few partnered women who also require or expect too much from our friendship. It would be fair to say that I have probably been one of these people too, under certain circumstances, so rest assured I do understand it, from BOTH sides.
See, I’m totally credible, right? Lol
What happens when someone who tends to have one main friend befriends someone who has a much wider circle and way of connecting with people, and becomes emotionally invested or attached? The outcome is almost always negative. At first these 2 get along just fine, they like each other and enjoy one another’s company, but slowly, one person will encroach on the other persons space, time and boundaries.
It might start off as innocent enough, albeit annoying tendencies, such as the more intense friend texting (probably having some sort of personal drama or crisis) during a time when the social butterfly is engaging with others. The butterfly will be resentful of this. They told their friend they would be at a party, or busy doing something else during this moment, why are they texting now looking for support? The butterfly tries to be there for the intense friend, but is giving short answers and implying they will chat later. The butterfly is getting more annoyed, and the intense person can pick up on this. They may choose to ignore the signals, over apologise, or even turn to guilt inducing manipulation to keep the focus on themselves. The butterfly will feel guilty and withdraw, eventually neglecting to continue messaging.
I want to be clear that the intense friend probably is not conscious of this, and is not necessarily a bad person. The butterfly, while annoyed, feels terrible about herself for not being a better friend, and this sets up quite an unhealthy pattern for these 2 people. The circumstances in which the situations continue to unfold, tends to be very variable, however the constant is that the intense friend always feels like the butterfly is about to leave them at any minute and this makes them feel terrible about themselves and they cannot understand why, when they is such a good friend, (and they ARE a good friend) their butterfly companion wont just love them back and show her that they matter via time and attention. After all, they reason, if they had an event to attend, butterfly is the first and only person they want to bring with them. Why does butterfly not want to invite them too, or attend their events? Do they not understand friendship? Being there for each other? Inclusivity? Is that too much to ask? Feeling liked instead of like a pebble in someone’s shoe? (That might be an exaggeration, but intense friends are prone to dramatics. Displays of emotion, positive or negative are almost always theatrical and loud in some way.)
The butterfly, on the other hand, feels overwhelmed, like their character is being questioned. They want to prove themselves to be as good a friend as their intense companion, yet they are also facing conflicting feelings of resentment, guilt and a need for freedom which prevents them from actually moving forward. It is actually causing them to be more withdrawn, which will only trigger more neediness from the other party. The butterfly will reason that this is strictly a platonic friendship, that they should be allowed to see other people and not have to justify time away from their friends, regardless of how they spend it.
If you happen to be a male female pair, or if one of you or both of you have inclinations towards the same gender…. Or actually, even if you don’t, it wouldn’t be far fetched for the butterfly to start questioning if the intense party is in love with them. They will feel the need to consistently draw boundaries around this which continues to feel like rejection to the intense friend. Rinse. Repeat.
What happens, essentially is that these 2 people start to need each other, for self validation. Neither feels worthy or like a good person without the other. The intense friend needs to feel needed and wanted by the butterfly and the butterfly needs to prove her worthiness of such time and attention by reciprocating friendship. Interestingly, by this point both of them will be feeling like they wish the other person would just end it, but neither of them feel capable of it, without confirming their worst fears about themselves as people.
So what can you do? If you are the intense friend, take a giant step back. Invest in a few other people. Acknowledge that your friend isn’t your partner, and even if they were, no one person is capable of meeting your every need. It does not mean butterfly does not care about you, just that you are not the centre of their world, and nor should you be. They like you, but probably not as much as you like them. Or they express friendship differently, such as birthday gifts or doing favours. Recognise you are making butterfly feel bad about themselves and make efforts to stop and accept their friendship as best they can offer it. You can only accept this when you have other people to turn to aswell.
If you are the butterfly, please take a moment to acknowledge that your friend just loves you. Thinks you’re so awesome that they want to be around you. That is a compliment, even if you don’t feel exactly the same way in return. Your intense friend wants to feel important in your life, included and wanted there. You can achieve this without giving in to the relentless pressure for more time and attention. They just want to feel secure in your friendship. So make more effort, by inviting them, alone or with others every so often. Sending something that might make them smile. Letting them be one of the first people you tell about certain things, and words of affirmation about how great they are and how much you value them. Explain that you have many friends and you are so glad they are one of them, but that you also need much time to yourself and you hope they wont take it personally.
It wont be easy. It will be worth it. However, don’t think for one second that either of you is a bad person or friend if you can’t achieve this and it has gotten to breaking point. If you need to end it, then do it. Maybe it will be forever or maybe the break will be good and remind you both that you do like each other enough to continue, but not as it was.
Neither of you is right or wrong. All relationships take compromise, which, by definition means neither of you will get exactly what you hoped, but enough that you can agree to understand each other’s view points and accept what each of you can offer the other, however much, or however limited as the case may be.
Like anything though – if it is going to work, you are going to have to stick to your end of the bargain!
Stay Strong!
Remember, most of us are actually more like this, depending on the people and dynamics at play….
Maybe you’ll be on the other side of the story soon enough and then you’ll know how it really feels!
❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx
