I have posted in the past about how having children changes your friendships and that new mothers are most in need of new friends. Surely if that is the case, our childless counterparts have the better end of the deal, with plenty of time to socialise and prioritise friendships, they should be fine right? Well, I can’t speak from personal experience on this one, but I have it on pretty good authority that actually the opposite is true and choosing to be childless can be just as limiting or life changing as choosing to have kids.
As I was as guilty as the next person for assuming childless people had all the perks of life and not many of the responsibilities, I was as surprised as you may be to hear that their childlessness is nearly as limiting as our children are to our own social lives! How can this be, I pondered! Well, the answer is pretty simple really. Our children limit them!! Seems crazy doesn’t it? But stay with me.
When you decide not to have children, which is a totally valid choice by the way, the idea is that you can indeed continue to enjoy your freedoms, have late night dinners, impromptu weekends away and spend endless hours drinking and having parties with your mates…. The first one is almost true, I suppose, if it weren’t for the fact that you always seem to be babysitting someone else’s child. Travelling you could still do, if you have the annual leave, funds and there doesn’t happen to be a worldwide pandemic happening! But partying with your friends? What friends?
The dilemma facing most childless people in their mid 30’s and beyond is that the choice to remain childless isn’t a popular one. Not only do these people suffer judgement from people who claim to be their friends, and who endlessly harass them to come to the dark side, they also eventually do procreate. Most of them, and the change is almost immediate.
“It’s like pregnancy is contagious! Once someone in your circle becomes pregnant, all of a sudden more and more start joining in! Before you know it, everyone but you is sharing this profound experience together that you just aren’t included in because you can’t relate.” One of my childless friends tells me during a conversation about the pregnancy epidemic in her circle. “Straight away, everyone is too tired to come out, nobody can drink, everyone is on a strict meal plan and nobody has any money to play with anymore. It is both really isolating and really limiting” she continues.
And I see her point. While the rest of her friends are happily at home, isolating themselves and nesting, they are left on the sidelines isolated not by choice but by lack of options. Their social group has almost instantly dissipated and they are left with more free time than they care to fill. And it only continues to get worse for approximately the next 25 years or so until the youngest ones are grown. By then those friends tend to have moved on to connections they made through the children over the years. Childless people don’t have those same opportunities for easy new connections.
It is frowned upon socially for them to host “child free” events. The reason they prefer no children is because their home is not child proof, being that they do not intend to have children. However this causes upset and offense and most people decline invitations. It is also not acceptable to say they prefer to meet or socialise with other childless folk. I wonder why this is, when really, it’s just as logical as new parents coming together to bond over the experience of parenthood… shared experiences and having things in common does make connections grow. Not to mention convenience and schedules tend to match better too.
There are apps for mothers to meet other mothers, and there are friendship apps too, however my friend was quite stunned by this sudden change. She didn’t want to take to apps to meet new friends, she had friends, she thought…. And even when she did have a little look, there weren’t many people seeking childless friends. Again that was a taboo. She didn’t feel she could write that they specifically wanted childless friends who were not ever going to deviate from that plan! It made them seem like child hating monsters!
It’s not that my friend hates children, she just doesn’t want to socialise with them. She willingly babysits and actually loves children, but came from a large family and spent her childhood helping her mother raise her siblings, so she knows first hand the limitations and responsibility involved, and enjoys her freedom too much to give that up. Which is perfectly reasonable!
But it also means that when she is babysitting, she is still not on the invite list for the social event! In many cases the parents are actually off enjoying their limited nights off with their new parent friends, which makes my friend feel particularly overlooked and sad. The very choice she thought would encourage her friendships ultimately still left her struggling.
So what is the answer? We must not forget our childless friends. We must make effort to see them without the children just as often as they make effort to see us with them! I think that is fair. For every lunch you host including them and the kids at your house, you should be prepared to step out of your own comfort zone and try to attend one of their child free dinners. It certainly takes much patience and understanding from both sides. Understanding that people with kids can’t stay out all night drinking because they have to be up, sober and not hung over to parent again at 5am. But maybe you can get there early instead and enjoy canapes and a champagne or 2 and not talk about children for at least an hour!
Compromise, is key to any situation and thinking about the circumstances and perspectives of each other. As I said recently, it’s not a matter of right and wrong, each person is valid, as is their experience, so focus on what you can do for each other and not what you can’t?
Build bridges, not walls….
❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx
COMPROMISE People! Balance. Respect. Understanding. Patience.