My close friends will happily tell you how I live by our budget. I have a spreadsheet, multiple actually and I spend hours on it, carefully doing the numbers to see how a purchase today will impact us in a year from now, or alternatively the benefits of cutting back in one column to another and vice versa. Naturally, the first step is finding an income source, and then working the budget to maximise your potential. This is possible if you earn more or less, as long as your income source is rich enough to cover your minimum living expenses and needs. I like to think of friendships in the same way.
Some of us are lucky enough that we have some form of inbuilt government support pensions from the get go. In terms of friendships this may be a neighbour you grew up with, your mother’s best friend’s kid or old school mates. The friends you made before you even realised that making friends was a thing and actually not an easy thing! Those of us lucky enough to still have these connections into adulthood are definitely going to have a healthier budget in the black than those without. If you are starting from scratch, seeing your numbers in the red can add a sense of pressure to finding those base core friendships.
For some this pressure will be more helpful than for others, however, making friends as an adult can be daunting and difficult either way. However all is not lost. Your friendship budget starts with you and with the qualities you feel make a friendship a healthy, strong and rewarding one. So that is where you begin! Make a mental list of those qualities and practice what you preach! Everybody will have a slightly different list depending on lifestyles and values.
One person might value lots of time and attention, another person may value independence and low maintenance. One person may find it important to share hobbies and activities whereas another may think it is more important to share values or circumstances. For some people their list varies depending on the friend in question and they might have multiple spreadsheets to manage too!
Once you have your list, or lists, as the case may be, in mind, you can start looking around your world for people who might meet those criteria, and finding ways to grow your friendship with them outside of whatever context you already know them. If shared values are important to you, then extending an invitation to a coffee after church might be your avenue, whereas if shared interests are more your thing, inviting someone over to watch the game on the weekend might be a better option. If you’re like me, and you like to really talk to people and connect with them, the best way to go about this is to actually open up a little and share something of yourself that is a little deeper to let that person get to know you and see if they are interested enough to follow up with more support, conversation or questions, or if they also share something more personal in return.
Once you have your base group, I recommend a circle of around 5 people, but the number is ultimately up to you, (you’ll know when you feel fulfilled enough to stop searching for new friends) it is time to invest in the friendship. That means assessing your life and seeing how much effort you could potentially put into your friendships and what rewards you may reap from that investment. Initially this is a mental challenge for your eyes only. This is paper, not practice, yet.
Look at your life, your responsibilities, your time and how you spend it. If you spend hours scrolling on your phone each day anyway, then you might like someone who is messaging you while you do so. If however you can’t be on your phone the majority of the day except your time off on the weekends, then a friend who is equally busy during the week, but loves to catch up for a drink or whatever on the weekend is a good match. Now, for arguments sake, let’s pretend you only make one new friend and you decide you’re going to make them your priority every weekend, all weekend. Will the benefits and risks of doing that balance? You might love the idea or hate it, but will it burn you out? In which case the rewards are not great enough for that level of investment. On the other hand, if you love the idea, is the risk too high that this person may change circumstances and leave you high and dry? If so, the risk is too big for that level of investment. Is this making sense? You need to assess how much time, energy and effort you are willing to invest to achieve the level of satisfaction you desire. No more, and no less. Maybe we would all like a friend who requires nothing from us, however gives us everything we need when we need it and quietly disappears when we don’t without issue. Sadly that is not the way friendships work. You will get back what you put in just like everything else. Increased effort equals increased income! If you invest in the right people that is!
How much do you have to give in return for what you hope to receive? Tune in next week for the tips on how to manage your buddy budget to get the best results!
❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx
