Ok, last week I encouraged readers to view their friendships like a budget, (to read this post first, please click here) to carefully manage their investment to bring about the ultimate rewards. This week is about how to manage and balance that budget so it is not too restrictive, but equally doesn’t leave you in debt or all used up!
The budget should comprise of income and expenditure equally. What you would expect to spend or give of yourself to meet your needs, and what you would expect or hope to gain in return. As a general rule, these columns should be pretty equal. You can’t expect to give nothing and receive everything. Similarly you shouldn’t expect to give everything and receive nothing either.
I recommend that you make columns for the things you hope for. Humour. How many rows of humour you include in the column depends on how important sharing a laugh with a friend is to you. Other columns might include shared faith, values, political views or sharing of opinions, quality time spent relaxing, time spent on activities or going out, active time, deep or personal conversation, and even a column for truth, bluntness or alternatively gentleness and kindness, and if it is important to you, acts of service. This means how much you expect a friend to do helpful things for you to help you out. (Examples include babysitting, grabbing things at the shops for you if you are there, helping plan for a party, driving you places when you need a ride etc…. things that are of benefit to you and make you feel like the person cares enough about you to do them although there may be no direct benefit to them to do these things for you.)
For me personally, I probably do want all these things and more in equal measure, however I have 5 different spreadsheets. While one person may give me 60% humour, 10% personal conversation, and 30% acts of service, and other friend might offer 90% personal connection and conversation and 10% humour. So over the 5 spreadsheets I have 100% balance, and each need has 100% been met, albeit by different friends at different times.
This method requires you to be acutely aware of what each person you call a friend is offering you and what they are getting from you in return. Sometimes what you are giving isn’t always the same as what you are getting in return. Sometimes it is. For example, the friend who is giving 60% humour, might be asking for in exchange 60% acts of service. So they make you laugh all the time, but in return they seem to ask you for a lot of personal favours. It really is unique to each person if this equation balances for you. Personally I require more depth and connection than humour to balance acts of service. I need to feel quite close to someone to lighten the burden. Other people prefer acts of service and feel burdened by heavy conversation.
There is no right or wrong way to be, as long as you are aware of how each connection balances for you, and allow room for some flexibility when life gets in the way of someone’s ability to offer what they usually do. If your equations balance, then you are already wealthy. However, how do you ensure you have enough left over for aforementioned flexibility?
Invest. As friendships grow, we invest minimally, but regularly and consistently to test their potential. As time passes, we decide if it has the potential to grow, if it has reached it’s full potential already, or if we think it wasn’t a good investment to begin with. It is important to note that just because one person wasn’t a good investment for you doesn’t mean they wouldn’t be great for someone else. That also translates to understanding that you might not be a wise investment for someone either, and that is ok. Better not to throw good money after bad either way.
Anyway, as I was saying, if you feel the friendship has the potential to grow, you invest a little more and a little more. Over time, you will find that the friendship starts paying off slightly more rewards than you ever imagined possible. And that is where the credit comes in. That is where you draw the strength to give a little more at times when they need it and don’t have as much to give. Equally it is where they get the credit to be forgiving of your times when you have less to offer. Because the friendship has reached a point of mutual reward, where the investment means enough to both of you that you would rather not stop investing.
Sometimes we do stop investing, we don’t give the friendship the time and effort and attention it needs, and slowly the monthly account keeping fees eat away at the funds. If you don’t keep an eye on this, one of you might ask for more that the other has to give. This will certainly apply a strain and you will feel the tension. That simply means you need to invest more. Regardless of who made the big withdrawal, you need to reinvest more, and hopefully your friend will follow.
You can’t let your account get into the red. It wont last long if you do. The minute you feel that it is in the red, you must act if you wish to save it. Of course, people change, friendships change and you might decide you want to invest elsewhere instead. It is ok to close your friendship accounts, just make sure you do the mental maths a few times to be sure this is really what you want to do. It’s not impossible to reopen a closed account, but you wont likely transfer whatever balance you had, and starting from scratch again so it can feel like a much riskier investment the second time around if it ultimately failed the first time
Friendships are hard sometimes, but it’s maths, not magic! Ok, maybe it’s a little of both?! Hope so, because friendships are magical if you invest in the right people!
❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx
