To say I was surprised by the pandemic is an understatement. I was planning to cruise, of all things, this April. I am not one to normally read the news or discuss worldly events…. But my friend who does was trying gravely to get me to accept the seriousness of the situation. By the time it hit me that this could indeed be something to be concerned about, cruises were cancelled, and schools were not far behind.
Even after cruises were cancelled, I was still planning to travel interstate. We had flights booked and no refunds were being offered, so I figured we could still go and enjoy the theme parks. Except then they were closed. I resisted home schooling. The high school had emailed saying they expected us to run the kids’ timetable at home. My son has special needs which meant I would need to sit with him and teach him fulltime. And also somehow navigate my daughter’s learning. It was too overwhelming to contemplate.
Then I did start watching the news and, did a grocery shop, pulled the kids out of school and activities and started hunkering down. I can hardly remember the last time I left the house. I started leaning in and taking this seriously. I had to learn the school online system and print a million different things. I organised them all and set both my kids on my son’s timetable, making sure they each had enough tasks for the hours and using recess and lunch to do dishes and wash clothes. I read books and watched trashy TV and tried to keep my family safe.
I haven’t seen my parents, or my friends, for any reason. My husband is at high risk and so are my parents. My son is at educational risk. I have to do what I have to do. I was clear with my friends that we were self isolating and I wouldn’t be around. Yet I still had people asking me to hang out, babysit and celebrate with them – in person. These requests made me uncomfortable for 2 reasons. 1 because I am a people pleaser and I feel I have to justify saying no and letting people down, and 2 because I didn’t want to be judged for “over-reacting” or for my friends to feel I was judging them for not reacting the same as I am.
While my friends were obviously disappointed, they respected my choice – some better than others. But I do think many of them felt judged by me. Was I judging them? Maybe I was? I certainly didn’t believe we should all be out flouting the rules, which had been increasingly clear. Stay home. So maybe I was judging them? Someone posted a thing on social media that indicated those feelings were stemming from a place of fear not growth or compassion.
3 different friends reached out to me to tell me they were having a hard time with social isolation. One living alone, one a single mother and one who’s partner was FIFO and meant to be away for a month at a time. And I had to reflect that I had leaned into social isolation so much that it had given me structure. It was a coping mechanism and I was lucky to have it. Not all schools were as thorough with their expectations or provisions of work and some parents trying to work from home couldn’t keep up with the work that was provided.
Some people had no choice but to lean on others for childcare and some of them still had to turn to elderly parents despite the risk. Some people had nobody to care for, talk to or nothing to do at all. In short, while I had found my coping mechanism, they were not coping at all. And just because I was didn’t put me in a position to be judging them. I might not be on the same page as them, but nor was I in the same book. Their story was their own and although I couldn’t be there with them, I still had to find ways to be there for them.
My own coping mechanism meant I was busier than I had ever been, which had the downside of meaning I was less available to chat. So I made a promise to myself that each day I would make the effort to reach out to a friend, check in and see how she was doing – not what she was doing or with whom.
I hear more from friends I don’t usually speak to much and less from friends I used to speak to more regularly. Some have been withdrawn and leaning into themselves and some have been reaching out more to feel connected. I respect and understand both. How I have reacted has surprised me so how can I have expectations of how others should react. When I look at it through the lens of compassion and consideration I know we are all doing our best and doing what we need to do to get by. And at the end of the day, as my Grandfather liked to say “I only have to sleep with my own conscience each night.” There is no “one size fits all” solution and there is no right or wrong reaction.
We have to get through this alone. But we have to do it together. We cannot let it divide us. I am not right, just different.
❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx
