Sometimes introverts are drawn to extroverts, athletes are drawn to beauty queens or intellectuals are drawn to people with more street smarts than book smarts. It appears to be the way of the world that attraction to people can stem from things we feel we are lacking in ourselves. This extends into most areas of our lives beyond the romantic realm, and definitely within friendships.
In the media there will often be an outrageous, loud social character, but inevitably the bestie is the awkward, shy sensible nerd, or vice versa. These fictional depictions aim to demonstrate how different personality types bounce off each other and balance one another out. Which is often true, if a little far-fetched.
In these types of pairings in the media, however, the characters always seem to be willing to step out of their comfort zone for each other. The introvert attends parties, while the extrovert gets a little more serious. The athlete gets a makeover and the beauty queen takes an interest in sports. The intellectual learns some quirky life skills while the street smarts picks up a book. It’s a nice idea, and relatable, but not always reality. These types of media are, after all, selling us a dream.
More often than not, if you’re a really active person, and your closest friend happens to be a couch potato, the chances of either one of those things changing are slim to none. “A bird may love a fish, but where would they live?” One of the most important things I find in developing friendships is spending time together, in person. Finding ways to achieve that, and include fun, memory making activities, and also time for vulnerability and connecting on emotional levels can become challenging if you don’t enjoy the same sorts of activities.
Say for example you love the beach and zip lining, and hiking, and I like day spas and cocktails by the pool, then we’re probably not really suitable travel companions, even if we are great friends. But how can we find ways to still enjoy each other’s company day to day when the ways we enjoy spending time are so different?
I have a friend who I am sure has undiagnosed ADHD. She literally never stops. She thrives on being busy and is always multitasking. From talking on the phone in the car, to working while cooking dinner, and working out while watching TV. It’s not just her body that she cannot still, it appears to be her mind. I admit it stresses me out! Even if we go to the movies, she will be messaging someone on her phone and playing games on it all at once. I am a slower paced person. I love zoning out at the movies, or having an in depth conversation on the couch.
To spend time with her in ways that I find enjoyable and engaging, which still meet her needs for movement and mental stimulation, I find it useful to ask her to cook for me, for example. It meets her need to be “doing something” while we chat, and I will wait until she sits down to eat before I talk about anything particularly important that needs her attention. After dinner, instead of watching something and sitting on the couch, we might play a board game. Admittedly she is more interested in the games than I am, but this allows her to give me the quality time and conversation I need while her needs are also being met.
If you are indoorsy but your friend is outdoorsy, you could still do a picnic – we all need to eat?! Or if you are not adventurous and she is, you can go to the parks and take pictures of her on all the rides, making sure that she compromises and spends some time with you in the hot tubs too? If you are active and she likes to relax, go for a strenuous workout the day before you book a massage together.
We can’t ask or expect our friends to change who they are to be more like us, nor can we change ourselves to be more like them. What we can do is really observe our friends and what they enjoy, what their needs appear to be, and suggest things that might be enjoyable for you both. And when all else fails, we all need to eat, right?!
How do you spend time with your friends who are pretty different from you?
❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx
