Reflecting about friendships in a conversation with my mother a few months back, she pondered the question “do we place higher value on friendships because we didn’t have a sister?” My mum had 2 brothers and I had one. It may not be a coincidence that many of my closest friends are also the only girls, having varying amounts of brothers.
This isn’t something I had really noticed until my mother pointed it out. I also have a really small family unit here in Australia, being my brother and my parents. Both my brother and I have married and had children, however my husband’s family in Australia is even smaller than my own. This is not a bad thing. I think I would have been overwhelmed with a big close knit extended family.
That said, many of my friends do have that. They have grandparents and second cousins and aunts and so do their partners where applicable. So much of their time is dedicated to spending time with family. When they need someone to talk to or something to do, they turn inwards. After all they are always welcome with family, no invitation or particular effort is required and they will include you at short notice.
That is not something I have known. I have learned to turn to friends for these things. While my mother is indeed my friend these days, when they go back to the UK to visit their family for example, I must look elsewhere for support and inclusion. It took me a good many years to spend time on my own in a way that was valuable to me and not dreaded or suffered through. While I think this skill is particularly valuable (especially in recent COVID-19 times) it’s not one many other people have been forced to possess. The odd moments they get alone may be treasured because they get so few. Whereas for me the odd moments of connection are equally valuable for the same reasons.
While I am now happy to be on my own, I still like to go out and socialise. When I do that, it seems only natural to turn to my friends. However they can be hard to pin down because they are always busy with many family events. This reality has often escaped me and I have just felt sad that my friends don’t seem to prioritise time together. The truth is, they just have different circumstances than I do, and different priorities.
As much as I love my brother and consider him a close friend and confidante, I cannot escape that I so enjoy social time with other women. Our interests in hobbies, and also in conversational topics makes time together a pleasure. And although I recognise growing up with same gendered siblings is often fraught with competition, in adult years I see those relationships blossom into close lifelong friendships.
Perhaps, on some level, this commitment, this friendship that is always on a deeper level is what I have been yearning for and trying to achieve. Or maybe it is what I have been subconsciously expecting, which is leaving me feeling I have fallen short in some way? When in reality it isn’t reasonable to expect the same level of interest or priority one gives family. On reflection the friendships I do form, which are intense and intimate, are the next best thing?
As I said, it is probably no coincidence I have found women also seeking a makeshift sisterhood. Women open to bonding with me in profound and meaningful ways, and coming together to support each other with a depth of love quite close to that of family. And I think it is time to accept that close enough is good enough. To accept that they value our friendship to the highest of their ability and expectation based on their values and circumstances. That when they don’t make time for our friendship it isn’t a reflection of myself, but of themselves and their lives. That they have familial obligations that I simply cannot comprehend as I have never been a part of a big family unit with endless demands for time.
And when I look at it that way, perhaps the time they make for me is more special, not less special, because they don’t need me to fill the gaps in their time, to go out and have fun, for support or advice. They just want to. They choose me. And maybe in some ways that is better than some familial obligation.
Pros and cons to each. I’ll probably never know to really compare (unless one of my parents has a secret child I am unaware of!) and I should not compare anyway. The sisterhoods I am a part of bring me so much happiness. Thank you for being the closest I’ll ever get. Your friendship is enough.
❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx
