Most of the time we don’t co-parent with friends, so parenting shouldn’t be an issue, should it? Yet that hasn’t been true in my experience or that of any other mother I know! Different parenting styles definitely do impact our time together with each other and often leave everyone questioning themselves.
So, if we don’t co-parent, then why does it matter? You’d be surprised how often this creeps up actually. Let’s take this virus as an example to start. Some parents withdrew their kids from school immediately. They ceased play dates and were shocked and annoyed that people around them had not done the same. Other parents thought they were being extreme. They left their kids in schools until official advice told them to do otherwise. Some will be sending them back the minute they get the go ahead and some will be holding them home until such times that a cure or vaccine is found.
Moving away from that example, some parents let their kids have fast food and cola for lunch on a play date and others always pack a healthy lunch and bring it along for their kids. Some let their kids stay up later with no strict guidelines on bedtimes and others have a regimented routine for their kids. Some allow screen time and don’t worry too much about it while others allow only a very small supervised window.
This isn’t a parenting blog. I don’t believe there is any one way that is better overall, do whatever works for your family as long as you have healthy happy and loved kids, then we should all mind our business. Which sounds like simple advice in theory, doesn’t it? But it isn’t always as easy as it sounds in practise. Because sometimes other people’s parenting impacts you.
Say you take your kids to the park with another mum. She has packed veggie sticks, fruit, yoghurt and plain popcorn with water. Then yours pull out chips, chocolates, cakes and biscuits, with juice boxes. You automatically feel like a bad parent for packing such rubbish. You assume she is judging you. She probably is. But let’s look at why? She is probably being hard on herself for being too uptight and now she’s stressed because her kids are whinging and asking why they don’t get treats. Stress is not what either of you were hoping for. In fact it was what you were both trying to avoid. Each of you now feels you have to justify your choice to the other. TIP To avoid this situation if you don’t know your friend’s style yet, bring a variety of options with enough for her children to share too, so none of the kids complain “it’s not fair… and be willing to compromise. Let the kids have a juice, or tell them they cannot have the chips today, or whatever it is. Work together to keep everyone comfortable)
What we need to understand is that our parenting is a combination of unique experiences, relationships, self esteem circumstances and values. As a parent of an Autistic child my family needs structure, but perhaps a family with an anxious child prohibits that structure. I was taught to save, so tend to be frugal, but some of my friends seem to pick out the most expensive activities possible when they suggest something! Lol But most of the time our judgments come from our own insecurities.
We MUST stop comparing ourselves, negatively or positively because we really don’t know someone else’s situation. We don’t live their life, we don’t feel their feelings or have capacity to understand their decisions. What we do know is that there is no one size fits all solution. When you feel judged the most judgement isn’t coming from your friends, it is usually coming from yourself. Envying her choices and berating yourself for not trying harder.
If there is one thing I have learned from parenting and watching my friends parenting alongside me it is that this is HARD. That we are literally all doing the best we can. That we all cope differently. And that the one thing we ALL need is validation and acceptance. Not that we are doing it better, but that we are doing it well enough. That we aren’t failing.
Friendship is a mechanism of support. If that means compromising on where you take the kids with your friends and feeding them a little differently for one day because someone has an allergy or has decided their family is going vegan, then so be it. What really matters is that you stop and say to your friend “You are a great parent. You are doing a good job. This is HARD, I support you and I love you and your family.” It isn’t a competition. We are NOT co-parenting, so it doesn’t matter how we each do it, only that we never give up trying and that we help instead of hinder one another.
To all my friends, you are good parents. You are enough. I know you get up every day and give it all you’ve got. I have watched special moments happen between each of you and your kids. I have envied you, and learned from you and leaned on you. I love you and your kids. They are amazing little versions of you growing into their own in ways I am proud to watch. Thank you for your ongoing support. I couldn’t do it without you!
❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx
