Someone asked me for advice recently about a friend with whom she had reconnected after a falling out and a period of silence of 5 years. This is a significant amount of time, so it is fair to say there was a great deal of animosity between the 2 people involved for quite some time. This can be difficult to overcome.
The pair reconnected over a happy event; the birth of a child, and now the person who asked for my advice is heavily involved in this child’s life. This person is fearful that they may fall out again and that they would lose the child as a result, and therefore feels like they are walking on eggshells around the mother, the ex ex-friend!! There’s a mouthful!
The thing is, the mother of the child is still putting the other friend in difficult positions, which was what led to their falling out in the first place. Things like engaging in talking about others, then sharing what was said about them to validate their argument. Which then causes animosity between the other 2 parties. Not to mention breaches of trust for all parties involved. Or being ungrateful for babysitting services of a full weekend because the child was half an hour late home. Or asking for favours at short notice, and expecting if not insisting upon them being honoured.
That’s not to say there isn’t many endearing qualities of the mother of the child or that there isn’t great and enjoyable aspects of their friendship. It’s easy enough to forgive after so much time has passed, however it is not so easy to forget when situations start recreating themselves. The person who reached out to me implied that things will be going really well, then something happens and they are reminded all over again. As a result they are struggling to trust this friend.
In this particular case there are family connections involved too, which might explain why cutting it off again is not considered an appropriate action, reflecting back on the strain it caused everyone the last time, which was before an innocent child was involved. Is it possible to continue the friendship when you don’t trust the other person even if you forgive them?
I think you have to be very cautious and aware. To avoid situations or conversations which make you uncomfortable and learn how to dodge topics or remain neutral as a way to passively refuse to get involved. As long as you are aware that the other person hasn’t really changed, and isn’t likely to, you have to assume responsibility for changing the ways you engage with them.
I doubt you could ever be close again on a personal level with someone you don’t trust, however, you can find other ways to connect and foster the connection for the greater good. Try and see the person in group situations rather than one on one. Don’t share too much about yourself, keep them focused on themselves. Be careful with any advice you offer (especially advice about other people if that advice is likely to be repeated) and instead focus on asking them how they feel about things and what they think they should do or say.
Try to plan activities that don’t require too much conversation, or steer the conversation back to happy topics like the child or light subjects like the latest music. Don’t be afraid to say “I don’t feel comfortable discussing this” or “I’m not too sure what to say” if you are pressed. If they lie to you, take what they say with a pinch of salt and verify information if necessary before acting. Don’t lend them anything you want to see again.
Make sure you say no as often as you say yes to requests. That way a yes will be hoped for but not expected. Lead by example. If you want them to be reliable and follow through, you must do the same.
Maintain your distance. You can be friendly, but I would advise against the label “friend” as that will cause inner turmoil and resentment when expectations aren’t met.
In answer to the question I don’t think you can be friends with someone you don’t trust. But that doesn’t mean you can’t be friendly. It isn’t fake, you don’t have to pretend to be anything you’re not, but trying to maintain positivity will go a long way. You never know. The trust might return in time. But don’t rush it, let it be what it will be, no pressure. You might not trust them, but if you trust yourself, you should be safe.
NOTE If you don’t trust them not to harm you; if you feel unsafe or at risk in any way, do not proceed. It is ok not to re-engage with unsafe people.
❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx
