I have posted about this before, but I think it is important to recap how much convenience plays into friendships. As someone dear to my heart is currently struggling a little with this issue after both herself and her friend moved residence recently.
These 2 people had been close friends for over 20 years, and were always dropping by one another’s houses. They had girls nights in, shopping trips out, lunches and dinners with families and even joined some social groups together. They saw each other through so many changes over the years, that they didn’t expect this change to be any different. Except it is.
Suddenly they no longer live in close proximity, they don’t share the local shops or the local pub anymore and they don’t find themselves “in the area” anywhere near as often as they used to. Their friendship is increasingly happening online or on the phone, “when someone has a minute.”
The problem being that if you don’t consciously make time to communicate, before you know it, you are no longer communicating. Thankfully that hasn’t happened in this situation, nor do I think it will, however, it can be about the small stuff. When we make conscious effort to communicate it is usually about the big stuff. If we have some big news, or our friend has had some, it is expected that these things will still be shared. But what about the small stuff?
So much happens in a month, and sharing those little things can foster more closeness than you would expect. Having a giggle about the time you tripped at the shop, sharing a cup of tea and talking about a stressful day, or talking about an exciting new product you tried last week makes people feel more real and present in your life. Same goes with actually seeing people in person. I think this is because when we are on the phone for example we might also be doing the dishes, letting the dog out or folding the laundry. Which means we aren’t as truly present as we would be if we were sat opposite our friend at a café for example.
So it is pretty easy to start feeling disconnected when someone stops feeling present in your life. When they are still there, but somehow it feels as if they aren’t. When you realise you are no longer the person who knows all the small stuff as it is casually referenced and they don’t know your small stuff either. Being there for each other is a trademark of friendship, but the truth is, it is the people who are always there for the little things that you really want there for the big things. It’s easy to swan in for the celebrations or commiserations, but what grows in the middle is the substance.
What many people in this circumstance struggle to adjust to, is that if you want the friendship to continue blossoming, you actually need to make an effort. Drive the extra 10 minutes to see your friend even if you weren’t really in the area. Make plans with one another instead of relying on the pop in’s that used to be par for the course. Schedule time together, and commit to making it a priority.
What tends to happen though, is that one person seems happy with the shift. They don’t seem to notice the change and seem fairly comfortable with the longer silences. They don’t seem to want to make the effort and it can leave you feeling pretty discarded and wondering if you were more convenient than close?!
Truth is you were probably both. The convenience led to the closeness, helped it develop, but that doesn’t take away from the fact that it did develop. The fact that your friend is moving on with their life is a happy thing, even if it sadly comes at your expense. Actually it is a good example of what you should be doing too. When friends move away and move on somewhat, it naturally leaves a bit of a hole in your heart and your life. However no matter what you do, it’s probably never going to be the same as it once was, and it is time for you to reflect that you were glad the convenience fostered that closeness and maybe even see if there is anyone else nearby who could fill some of the gaps now left open?
While it is normal and healthy to be sad and miss your friend, and acceptable to say that you do miss them, you should be careful not to expect enough change that things will go back to how they were. People, things and circumstances change all the time and we must grow with them and accept the new normal. So tell your friend you miss them, but a wise woman once told me not to tell someone if you are upset about something like this, because then you will just have 2 upset people instead of one, and there will be tension in the space growing between you instead of love.
So what’s the verdict? Make more effort, but accept the changes and keep looking for new ways to conveniently connect with new people, no matter what age or stage of life you are.
❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx
