Humans are social creatures, and somehow instincts always tell us that we must fit in with our peers for safety and survival. In our younger years this meant pressure to wear brand name clothes and smoke cigarettes. By our mid 20’s it meant having some sort of degree or qualification under your belt and by 30 it meant owning a home and getting married. By 35 it meant having kids and a good body with a gym membership, and now as I approach 40 it seems to mean having it all. Being successful, a nice big house, with a cleaner, 2 kids and an au pair, fancy cars and private schools, investment properties and dinner parties with wine instead of bbq’s with beer! It means being a member of a book club, or some other exclusive intellectual affair, and for some it means affairs of a totally different nature with younger models!
But on every stage of the way, I have known someone, sometimes many, who feel they have failed to conform to this imaginary pressure. Some who still lived at home at 30, some who had failed marriages, some who had not found someone and married at all? Some single mothers, some yearning for kids to no avail and some who didn’t even want them. Some who were happily working supermarket jobs, and others unhappily climbing the ladder at their own expense.
At what point do we let go of what society wants for us and ask ourselves what we want for ourselves and embrace our differences instead of apologising for them? My friends who feel they are being left behind tend to be less social, suffer more anxiety and tend to be quieter, sharing less of themselves. When I have talked to them about this, they seem to be suffering major insecurity about everyone else having it all and them being “the odd one out.”
Of course, the way we judge ourselves is always harsher than the way we judge others and I think we should have more open and honest conversations about where we are all really at. Myself, I have a happy life, and seem to have it all, however my life is largely thanks to my family and my husband and I have been very lucky. I do not have the gym body, the house is small and messy, and my car is held together with tape!! Lol We all have areas on the list that we struggle with and might never conform to.
I reflect to these friends that I don’t want a bigger house, it would only mean more mess, and too soon it will be too big again as the children grow to adults. I don’t desire a career, and although I desire a nicer figure, I don’t desire the choices that will get me there and I will always struggle there! Not only does hearing that help my friends to feel better about themselves because all is not as rosy as it seems, it also helps them relate. Relating is key to friendships.
Talking about these so called pressures and expectations, also gives us the opportunity to share with our friends what they have achieved and what we envy about themselves that they have likely not recognised. Like the fact that they did a 6 year intensive degree, or that they have a much nicer car, or that you envy the freedom that not having kids allows them.
Not that it is a competition, and nor should it be. That is what these conversations prove! That we are all along the path somewhere, headed to the same direction but with unique hurdles along the way. The paths we choose and navigate may be different but they will all get us where we are going in the end. It might not look the same, but that is what makes it more interesting, not less.
In our own ways we are all the odd one out, and that is why none of us really are. If your friends are discussing something that is triggering your insecurities, speak up! Give them a chance to include you, share your experiences or lack thereof and how you feel about it to widen the scope of the conversation and allow everyone to be a little more vulnerable and real. Sometimes all it takes is someone willing to shine a light on the darkness and you realise you are all more similar than you thought… albeit in different ways. Not only that, you reunite a divided group, and realise we are all human and we all want to relate, in one way or another! That is what friendship is all about!
❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx
