Recently a friend of mine has just come out of a very complicated and long relationship. Wasting no time, she got herself straight back out there into the dating world, and certainly had her fair share of good and bad stories to share, as her female friends sat around drinking wine and asking for the details over nibbles.
My friend said one of the best things about this phase of life, was this feeling of reconnecting with her female friends and really being “one of the girls.” This is something she hasn’t felt particularly in a long time, having let many of her friendships fade while she was in a long term relationship and finding that her friends grew tired and disinterested in her never ending drama with the complicated ex.
That said, if she needed someone to talk to, there was almost always someone she could turn to about said drama and feel supported, heard and loved, albeit in a less fun way. What she enjoyed about the dating phase was the level of interest shared among her friends and the excitement and intrigue as they “interpreted texts” not to mention silences, and debriefed after dates! Pun intended!!
Sadly, the dates didn’t seem to work out for her and my friend realised she actually wasn’t ready to date. She needed to focus on herself, rediscover who she is and how to fill her time alone so that when she is ready for a partner, it is out of a want to have one and not from some inner place of need. This is all very healthy of course, however she reflected that she was worried how this would impact her friendships?
When I probed a little further, she attributed feeling like one of the girls to sharing in relationship talk, and suddenly she had nothing to add to those conversations. While she could and would listen to their own experiences on the subject, she felt it was unhealthy to surround herself with people who only wanted to talk about the one thing she was actively avoiding in her own life.
I asked her what other subjects they discussed, and she said they did always reflect and share on health issues, work and family stuff, however those topics quickly gave way to talk about love and romance. It wasn’t just that they didn’t really talk about much else, it was that she didn’t feel like there was much more interesting to discuss.
I see her point, we do get quite caught up and distracted in love and romance in friendship fodder, and we could very well be making the people who aren’t dating or in relationships feel excluded. However, it also ties in with what we think is acceptable or interesting to discuss. This particular friend and I like to discuss armchair psychology, however others of her friends are not that interested in such subjects.
Perhaps the issue is that the friends she was spending time with when she was dating are not the right fit for when she isn’t? Or perhaps she should try them on everyday things, like the interaction she had at the supermarket when an item was the wrong price, or the toxic environment brewing in her office. Just because it isn’t as exciting and fun to discuss, doesn’t mean they won’t enjoy her company.
Also, as per last week’s post, she decided to try and expand these friendships past girly talks about sex and dating. They all discovered a love of op shopping and spent a happy Sunday brunching, op shopping and talking fashion at bargain prices. And you know what? It was just as enjoyable! Which was music to my ears.
My friend and I reflected that we do rely too much on the area of romance for friendship fodder, and contemplated ways to combat it. However, we cannot change that the topic is exciting and interesting, it just is. We just need to remember that we don’t need to be dating to be interesting, to be involved or to be one of the girls. When the topic comes up in future, as it inevitably will, it will be my friend’s turn to listen and be the excited gal pal for someone else, until she feels ready to get back out there again.
Meanwhile she is going to explore so many interests, meet so many interesting people and have so many interesting experiences that she will remember that she isn’t boring, and she isn’t bored! Which will also help her when she is ready to date in knowing her value so the next person isn’t complicated! I have my suspicion that she will be living life to the fullest in a way that makes her the most interesting person at the party, not the least!
❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx
