At a time when someone I know was feeling low, she reflected that she had spent her life trying to gain the approval of men. She had tried to compete or compare with them professionally, be the object of their desire sexually and be their best mate intimately but platonically. And yet somehow, despite her best efforts, their approval and acceptance continued to be elusive and left her exhausted and not feeling particularly good about herself. As many women often do from time to time, she decided to take a break from men.
During this time she would practise self-care. She would get up early and walk before work, and she would relax at night with an at home facial mask and a nice empowered female movie and those such things. However, when she started doing this she noticed a common theme in these movies. The women in them seemed to all have a strong group of female friends holding them up. As she looked around her own life, she could see some strong female friendships, however they were individuals, not a collective group.
She allowed herself to get caught up in the fantasy of girls nights out with the crew that naturally progressed to a mothers group and beyond. It became a goal of hers to have this kind of support in her life. She reflected on ways to make that happen. Could she bring her individual female friends together as a group? No, they probably wouldn’t all get along, and besides, these friendships were important and intense, she didn’t want to risk diluting the intimacy there. So she scoured over her colleagues for a potential posse, however after a few failed gathering attempts it fizzled because these were people with whom she discussed work. No amount of prodding seemed to take it beyond that level. Her last remaining idea was to join an existing group.
This idea was by far the most daunting, because cliques have that name for a reason – they are relatively exclusive and generally closed. Existing members have shared bonds for years, which is a difficult connection to penetrate with all that combined history behind them. Alas, undeterred, she felt it was her best and only option. She set her sights on a group of women the wife of her best male friend was part of, and set about trying to get herself a membership.
Having spent her life with a strong focus on males, it dawned on her that she didn’t know much about gaining the approval of women. It wasn’t something she had thought about much before, nor did she expect to find herself in this position. First she joined their book club. As many of them were new mothers, she offered care for their children, which they willingly obliged. She baked healthy snacks and tried hard to remember individual details of their lives to bring up in conversation next time to demonstrate her interest. After a relatively short time, she was accepted in to the group. She wondered why she had never tried this before, she was clearly a natural and women were so much less catty than she had expected….
Soon she found herself on the baby shower invitation list, helping to set things up, and coming laden with food and gifts. Then she was included in a group chat about a group gift for one of their birthdays. Acceptance was sweet. Her social calendar was filling fast and she felt something she hadn’t felt before – popularity. The group chat’s grew, the topics were endless, and the amount of love and support offered to each other was so refreshing. Soon, individual members of the group were reaching out to her for favours, for advice and for catch up’s just the 2 of them. They set up weekly wine and whine nights and girls nights out to dance or watch trashy tv together. For about a year, everything seemed good.
However one thing she hadn’t realised, was how much effort and energy these women were starting to take from her life. She started to feel constantly drained. She could hardly keep up with the latest drama or crisis, and the endless streams of messages made her want to hide from her phone. She found herself not wanting to participate in weekly events, not reading the books, and not engaging online. She liked these women and wanted to continue friendships with them, however wanted to dial down the intensity a little. Slowly, she created some distance. Never mean or impolite, but taking more time to respond, missing more events and offering less favours.
At first the women asked her if she was ok. She tried to explain that she was ok, but her career took up much of her time and she needed to prioritise her professional goals, and that she could not be on her phone all day at work. The women said they all understood. The invitations slowed down and it was a welcome relief, however she couldn’t fight the niggling feeling that something wasn’t right. Her birthday passed and there was no group gift or celebration like the others had done. Only a few of the women acknowledged it at all. She let it go, on the basis that she wasn’t as close to them as they were to each other and as a new member of the group she had to have realistic expectations.
Can you guess what happens next? Tune in next week to find out……
TO BE CONTINUED….
❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx
