(For part 1 of the story click here.)
Then there was the accidental mention of another group chat – one which she seemed to have fallen off the invitation list for. Again, she justified this. She had in fact told them she wasn’t able to be on her phone all day messaging – she hadn’t meant she didn’t want to be included though. She might have found the chats overwhelming but still scanned them after work for any important dates or details, so to suddenly hear the silence was in some ways bittersweet. Then there was a holiday overseas which she was the last to know about. They did include her but as their accommodation was full, she had to stay elsewhere. During that trip they were less than forthcoming about their plans and didn’t seem to notice her absence – she was constantly chasing them up and waiting for invitations to join them. She saw them once in 5 days.
Shortly after that there was pictures on social media of a weekend away, that she hadn’t known about. A pain I am all too familiar with myself. But again she justified that it looked like a couples weekend and as a single member of the tribe, it makes sense they didn’t want to make her uncomfortable and just didn’t mention it….
As she had become aware that some of the women in the group appeared to be competing with her, she decided to let go of the group idea, and just focus on individual connections with a sub group of the women. She felt confident this was working and grew closer again to a select few. One was on a weight loss journey with her, so they bonded over that. Another had a child with special needs, an area of specialty for her, and they bonded over that. The other wasn’t as close, but was always amicable and friendly and it didn’t feel one sided.
This continued about another year after her dismissal from the group. Then one of the women she was closer to mentioned that one of the other women in the extended group had gotten engaged. She wasn’t particularly close to this person, infact they actually clashed somewhat, so she wasn’t disappointed to hear the news second hand and was relieved not to be invited to any related celebrations. However during the conversations she expressed some jealousy and resentment, saying she was sad that she still hadn’t found anyone herself. She didn’t think any more of it.
She tried organising a catch up with the other woman she was close to, as she had a present for her son for his birthday. This woman awkwardly gave her a last minute invitation to his party – a group event she clearly wasn’t intended to attend. But she went along anyway, only to discover this woman was visibly pregnant and hadn’t mentioned anything. It was a joint birthday/baby shower, and it started to become clear to her that these women were not her friends.
As her birthday rolled around again, only her original friend reached out and made plans. She was reluctant to discuss the group, although accidentally made reference to another dinner and group trip, and insinuation that gossip had occurred over her jealousy at the news of the engagement. She thought that was said in a safe and confidential space, nor was it said in spite….. It was then that she finally accepted these women were not her friends. She made no comment on her exclusion in the end, because she accepted if they wanted her there they would include her. A confrontation would not change anything. A silent resignation but also a quiet relief.
Reflecting back, she had merely swapped chasing the approval of men, for the approval of women. She was able to see that she had offered services to the group, she was of benefit to them; however she was never one of them. Thinking she had gained acceptance and approval and then having it fade away slowly and painfully felt even worse than never having achieved it at all.
When I asked her what she had taken away from this experience she said “That they were my friends friends, not my own, and if you clash with the clique you get crushed! I think I had it right the first time around, and I’ll stick to your theory of 5 individual friends….” Then the cherry on the top was “And I need to stop chasing approval, and instead follow acceptance where I find it!”
The moral of the story isn’t that all female friend groups are bad, as demonstrated in the story there are many positive and rewarding aspects, but they are also fraught with complicated politics, and conflict tends to be handled as a group. They’re not for everyone and not as good nor as bad as the media tries to tell us. The moral of the story is that you should get to know people as individuals before you befriend them, (one at a time) and you should assess their life and see if they have room for you or if they have too many existing friendships or relationships (group or individual) or even hobbies, work or activities to really meet your needs in meaningful ways. And instead of asking yourself only if you are doing enough or showing up for them in the right ways, make sure you are asking yourself if they are showing up for you too!
❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx
