Some friendships are naturally closer than others. Some take a while to build up to a close status, whereas others seem to become close almost instantly and some of them never feel as close as you’d hoped they may become. Closeness is more of a feeling than something measurable though, and sometimes we might feel closer to someone than they feel to us. Alternatively they might feel like we are their closest friend, while we don’t think of them as especially close. Because closeness is hard to measure, there is no standard method of achieving what “feels” close to you, or comparing it to the experience of closeness to others.
Many people I know define closeness as the person who is always there for them when things go wrong. The one who supports them through the big stuff! For me, I am starting to think it might be the people who are always around, for the little stuff, that are the ones I turn to for the big stuff. Sometimes it is a measure of quality time spent together, the more time we spend, the closer we become. For others it is a reflection of who they feel they can talk most openly and unfiltered with that equates to closeness. Shared experience or trauma is another thing that can bring people closer unexpectedly, while smaller things such as sharing the same interests might be the glue that unites other close friends.
I think that is why sometimes we don’t feel as close to someone as they feel to us, because our experiences of what makes us feel close to someone differ. If one person feels closer based on quality time, and another based on support for the big issues for example, this can cause a disconnect. If the second friend only gets in touch with the first one when they have drama, but is otherwise absent, the first friend may never have reached that same feeling of closeness that is generated for them by spending a lot of time together. It isn’t necessarily an issue, this imbalance in feelings of closeness, but it can become an issue.
When you are type one and they are type 2? Or when you were type 1 and they transition suddenly to type 2, but you’re still there like “where’d you go?”
It can become an issue when the person who feels closer starts to have expectations of the other person who feels less close. Say for example Debra feels really close to Fiona, because Fiona supported her through her divorce and was always there for her whenever she needed to talk. Debra thinks of Fiona as her closest friend. Fiona however, while happy to support Debra, didn’t feel like the friendship was reciprocal. She noticed that Debra never asked how she was doing, always just focussed on herself. Now Debra is dating again and she is constantly calling and messaging Fiona with updates. Fiona is happy for Debra, she wants Debra to find happiness, however now that she is recovered from the divorce, Debra has depleted the support Fiona had to offer. Fiona would like to take some space from Debra to focus on her own life again, however Debra thinks of Fiona as a best friend and is unaware that Fiona is not that interested in every detail of her new exciting dating life.
Fiona receives multiple calls and messages daily from Debra. Debra wants support and advice from what outfit she should wear to what to respond to cryptic messages. She doesn’t realise she is smothering Fiona, however Fiona begins to dread messages from Debra, and starts making excuses about being busy and pulls back. Debra is hurt and confused by Fiona’s withdrawal when she has always been such a good and close friend until now. The issue is that Fiona never really considered Debra a close friend to begin with and Debra hasn’t really met any of Fiona’s criteria that would put her in Fiona’s close friend column. Debra considers Fiona a close friend, and her expectation of this level of support fits in with that description, however for Fiona, Debra is too close for comfort.
Of course this is not the only way 2 friends become too close for comfort. Sometimes they may spend too much time together, until one of them needs a break, or they may share everything until someone takes it a bit too far and realises they don’t know this person as well as they thought. Or sometimes the situation that brought them closer changes and suddenly the level of closeness is uncomfortable, forced or unsustainable.
In some of these situations, the feelings will be mutual and naturally fade back to a less close friendship. Sadly, this is not always the case. Much of the time one party will try to assert boundaries – via words or actions and the other party might be so offended by this that they cut contact. Sometimes losing the closeness you felt with someone changes the way you view them and leaves you questioning the entire friendship. Take Debra from our example. She would probably feel quite empty as she came to terms with the fact that her and Fiona were no longer close, but also that they had actually never been (reciprocally) as close as she thought. Spending time with Fiona after that might feel painfully empty because going back to being less close than you once felt you were leaves a sense of loss which can override any friendly feelings that are left.
If we find ourselves in a similar situation, we must use it as an opportunity to reflect and not to blame. What needs of yours was the friendship meeting that made it so close and comforting to you? What needs of your friend’s was being met? Were you giving as much as you were getting? Were you giving what you needed instead of what they needed?
The worst thing about being too close for comfort is that if things cool down, we are left with that awkward feeling of oversharing. Of over trusting. Of wondering which confessions might now be repeated or which behaviours construed negatively? So with that in mind, I advise us all to be more mindful about who gets close in the first place. Your trust of that person may have to outlast the closeness, or even the friendship, and that can be very uncomfortable if you haven’t been discerning enough before getting close.
Closeness should be considered a balancing act. It is fragile. Closeness should not be taken for granted or assumed. No friendship is immune. Once closeness is gone, it can be really difficult to rebuild, so making sure we protect and nurture it is crucial. It is a slow steady burn. The desire to be close, to feel close, can smother the flames. Closeness shouldn’t consume all your energy and oxygen, or be used to escape yourself. It isn’t the answer to loneliness. Comfortable closeness allows enough room for 2 individuals to delight in each other, not depend on each other.
If you can relate to this post all too well, your desire for closeness could be clouding your judgement on who you get close to in the beginning. Do you want to be close to somebody, or anybody? If it is the latter, you’re at high risk. Try to have a healthy amount of closeness with several people rather than an uncomfortable amount with only one?
Closeness can feel like a drug. The more you have with someone, the happier (higher?) it makes you, and leaves you craving more. But the more you have, the less it works, and the less it works, the more you take. The more you take the higher your chances of overdose! Be warned! The remedy to closeness overdose might be giving as much as you’re taking. So don’t take more than you can give or more than they can offer, or more than either of you can handle! Keep it real. And when the time comes to start weaning yourself off, take what’s left with a side of chill pills too if you can!
❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx
