You know the way it goes. You get close to someone, and either you have a falling out or just naturally fade away from each other over time. You have some time apart, and after a given length of time one of you will reach out and say “I miss you.” It might be after only a day or 2 if you’re super close and talk daily, or it might be a year or 2. But eventually one of you will tune in to the silence and decide to end it. (Or not! Which totally happens and is an acceptable response, but for the sake of this article, I want to discuss the times when the bridging words are spoken.)
“I miss you.” It feels good to say it sometimes doesn’t it? And it probably feels true. Maybe it is true, what would I know?! People certainly do miss each other if they need to be apart circumstantially, but that’s not the kind of missing I’m talking about here. I’m talking about the kind of I miss you that is said because you don’t quite know what else to say. Hearing the words “I miss you” feels good too doesn’t it? It feels warm. Because people like to feel missed. It makes us feel like we mattered enough, like that other person was thinking about us and wanted us back.
My issue with the sentiment is that missing me was a choice the other person made. (Or a choice I made.) If there was no reason for us to be missing each other, such as physical proximity, then it isn’t my responsibility to shoulder how you feel about your choice not to engage with me, nor yours to shoulder how I feel about choosing not to engage with you. We didn’t have to be missing one another, we could have been talking or hanging out the whole time?
I tend to doubt the intent. I mean, do you miss me, really? I don’t think you do. I think maybe you want to hear that I miss you too? I think maybe you’re going through something, and you remember the last time you went through something that I was there for you and you miss having someone there for you? I think that maybe you prioritised the wrong things or people and now it hasn’t worked out you miss what we used to have once upon a time. I think perhaps you’re feeling nostalgic, and had a good memory of me that surprised you – not because you think of me often, but because you don’t. I think you’re probably lonely, or you miss the activities we used to do together or the fun we used to have.
Now there is absolutely nothing wrong with feeling any of those things, it’s not wrong and it’s certainly not a crime. We have all felt like we missed someone sometime – whether we have said so or not. I just don’t like it as a bridging sentiment. What you’re feeling is almost certainly about you and you want me to think it is about me? Human nature wants to believe everything is about self, so it is appealing to believe. It feels warm and safe and inviting and it breaks the ice. This much is true.
But what about when people say it, and do nothing about it. When they say they miss you and they are thinking of you, but then when you suggest getting together they’re continually avoidant? If you didn’t really want to engage with me, why say anything at all? Just to check if I am still talking to you…. To make sure I am still an option even if you don’t want to take it up right now? To keep me on the line so to speak, but never reel me in?
Basically when we miss someone, it is because we didn’t, we stopped, or we aren’t prioritising them and we want to acknowledge it. So why not say that instead? Why not say “Hey Glenda, I know we haven’t spoken in a while. I got really busy when I started this job and took up with Bob, and I guess I let our friendship slide. I shouldn’t have done that, I regret it and I hope we can work at patching things up? “ Or “Hey Glenda, I’m not too sure why we haven’t been speaking, I guess we haven’t been putting in the effort into our friendship and I would like to start if you feel the same way?” Or even “Hi Glenda, I know things haven’t been good between us for some time and our last words were unkind. I’d really like to change that because losing our friendship over something petty like that wasn’t worth it and I regret it. I’d like to have you in my life again if you’re open to it.” Or even “Hello Glenda, I have had some hard news recently. I know we haven’t spoken in ages, but I could really use your support right now if you’re open to it?”
What I am saying is, “I miss you” is how you feel. I don’t want to know just how you feel, I want to know what you want to do about it. Feelings pass. Sometimes we act on them too soon, and not everyone you miss needs to be back in your life. Missing each other has been a choice, so what we feel about it isn’t as important as what we do about it? Is it?
❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx
