(2 part blog entry)
Friendships change over time. They wax and wane. We make new ones and lose some too. Circumstances change. Priorities and values change. People change. Sometimes imperceptibly over time, and sometimes seemingly quite suddenly. None the less it happens and we cannot control this. When a close or reliable friendship changes, it isn’t an easy experience sometimes. We can struggle to adjust. Things between us don’t feel the same and we do not like it.
On chatting to a long standing friend over a meal recently, we landed on the topic of regret. Something we all experience, rightfully or wrongfully, at some point in our lives. Some of us regret what we did. Some of us regret what we said. Others of us regret what we did not say or do. Unfortunately there is no sliding doors moment in life before we make important choices and we cannot predict very accurately which choices will lead to regret later down the track.
Regret isn’t particularly helpful on its own, however with a dose of reflection and with the benefit of time passed and hindsight, some things seem much clearer than they did at the time. My friend and I discussed friendship regrets, and interestingly both concluded that we shared regrets of being too extreme in thinking at times of crisis or conflict. All or nothing attitudes tend to leave you with nothing!
The friendship that inspires me to write this blog is a very special one to me. It is also one which taught me much about myself and my expectations of friendships that were getting in the way of the closeness I was trying to achieve. My friend and I had become very close over the space of a few years. We had weekly Friday night girly sessions and spoke most days via messages or social media. We shared everything, secrets, dreams, hopes, fears, failures, loves and heart breaks. Nothing was off limits. Not poo or sex or parenting dilemmas.
Aren’t friendships like that so warm and cosy? I loved it and I loved my friend. I loved what we shared and I wouldn’t have changed a thing about it! Except that wasn’t actually up to me. Things in her life changed, and without going into detail, there wasn’t as much space for me in her life anymore. All of a sudden she seemed unavailable, busy, had other priorities and could no longer give me the time and attention she had given before.
I wont lie. It hurt! A LOT! I felt forgotten, disposable, used and abandoned. No matter how much my friend tried to reassure me she loved and valued me as much as she always had, it didn’t feel true. She assured me time and time again that she missed me and she wished she still had the space for us, but that her life had changed and it wasn’t personal. I’m going to be honest. It felt personal so I basically just chose not to believe her.
When she still could make the time to catch up or talk, much of that time was spent talking about her new life. It kinda felt like she didn’t care about me anymore, although she was still sharing of herself with me, I no longer felt I wanted to do the same. Things had changed and I didn’t want to pretend that they hadn’t. I kept showing up, hoping it would change, that I would somehow feel connected to her again, and I was consistently disappointed.
While I used to leave her company feeling refreshed and happy, I seemed to be leaving it more recently feeling sad, confused, alone and empty. I no longer wanted to spend time with her, because it didn’t feel the same as it used to. I felt that she hadn’t even noticed or cared we weren’t close anymore while it was destroying me. I questioned our friendship and if it had ever been close if she didn’t even notice I was gone. I spent Friday nights ruminating and resenting her for not spending them with me anymore and dwelling on the huge hole it left in my life and in my heart that she was gone. A hole she didn’t really acknowledge but when she did, she justified it and did nothing to change it. Spending time with her just felt empty and hollow. A shell of the warm comforting place her company had been before. I thought I couldn’t accept it, but the truth was I just didn’t want to.
The change between us felt less than before and I didn’t feel I deserved less, nor did I want less. Eventually the pain got so intense, I decided it would be easier to move forward without her in my life. To stop “pretending” we were still friends when it felt completely untrue to me. And perhaps, the uglier side of it was that I felt I had lost her, and so she should lose me too. (The reason being that I was still there for her anytime she needed me, but she was no longer able to reciprocate that, and I was unwilling to see her attempts as trying and insisted on seeing them as minimal effort.)
(Lyrics from an awesome song called Hesitate by Stone Sour, to Listen, click here.)
TO BE CONTINUED…. If you can relate to this, please do tune in next week for the next installment, or just scroll up to the next post if you are visiting at least a week after the publishing date.)
❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx
