Last week I discussed that I sometimes let my inner people pleaser lead me astray and seemed to draw me to situations involving the very rejection I fear. I wanted to do some research into this, and quickly spiraled down the proverbial internet rabbit hole! Website after website, article after article. I came across personality disorders, psychological conditions and the random opinions of many reddit subscribers! As interesting as it was, none of it was resonating particularly with what I was feeling or experiencing.
At least until I stumbled across this article on Greatist.com titled “Why Am I Trying So Hard To Make People Like Me?” This article referenced a 4th response to trauma I have never heard of before called fawning. (The other responses are fight, flight or freeze.) Never having heard of this concept, naturally it piqued my interest and I promptly followed the link to learn more about it. Imagine my delight when it took me to the blog of Sam Dylan Finch, called “Lets Queer Things Up.” Ok, that probably doesn’t tickle most of you the way it tickles me, but regardless of orientation, the concept was fascinating.
Sam Dylan Finch references Pete Walker as the founder of this phenomenon. I did have a look at his page, however it didn’t resonate with me in the same ways as Sam’s. Pete’s theory is that this is a learned trauma response in toddlers, however I can assure you that I was no wall flower (Flora?!) people pleaser in the home growing up, and this response, for me, appears to have been learned in external relationships not familial ones. Sam Dylan Finch however does make reference to this specifically in relation to queer feminine women who are drawn to other feminine women, and that seems the likeliest place where this behaviour was learned and how it began a cycle of friendship drama that I have trouble escaping. Regardless of how you developed the trauma, it could be the same for you and playing out in your relationships, friendships and among your colleagues and acquaintances.
For me, it seems reasonable that as I grew up I realised there was something different about me to the other girls my age. I craved their acceptance and approval more than I could articulate or even understand. Obviously I wanted to be close to them and I wanted them to love me, however was faced with the harsh reality that girls only loved boys. (I didn’t know that there was a spectrum, I thought it was an absolute.) And as I got older, I learned that they would specifically be less close to me perhaps if they felt uncomfortable in my presence. Knowing that I had inclinations for females definitely put me in this category. So somewhere along the lines I learned in order to have women in my life, as close as they felt comfortable being, I would need to put myself aside and be almost subservient. Show them only what they wanted to see. Love her in ways all the boys failed to love her, and support her through endless heartbreaks. If I did all of that, and made sure I respected the boundary of expecting nothing in return, then I would have the closeness I craved…. Almost.
And so it has become habit to bite my tongue and smile and nod when I disagree, say nothing when I am let down by her lack of reciprocation and accept that closeness is elusive and can exist only before some man steals her away. To tolerate pain that comes with loving someone at the level of a lover while they disregard you and most conversations will be focused on those that she does love. And somehow this belief that I had to expect or accept less permeated into my general ideas or patterns around friendship. Fear of rejection has dominated my communication style to the point that rejection is the expected outcome and when it gets extreme I would rather walk away myself than face another crushing round….
So this predicament seems to turn into a nasty pattern where I over give, then exhaust myself, suddenly realising that the other person is not reciprocating and there is a need of mine which is not being met. I tune in to the gap that exists between my expectation of the friendship and the reality of it, and consciously withdraw my investment to a level that feels appropriate with their own level of investment and effort. Ironically that almost never goes down well. It seems to be an expectation of most that I will continue to over invest, and they seem unaware of the imbalance or hypocrisy of this.(Or perhaps unaware how little they offer and how much they accept and unwilling to address or acknowledge it,) In turn, one or the other of us will eventually walk away, or dwindle down to something we call friendship, but which doesn’t really require any effort or investment that an actual friendship does.
Now, perhaps my driving force for closeness with women is impacting this cycle, and why my expectations of friendships to be intense but also to require a high investment and energy is unrealistic. Certainly it puts me at odds with most of my heterosexual peers, but as these are the women with whom I most strongly identify, how can I approach friendships with them differently to avoid the disappointing cycle?
I suppose I need to have better boundaries around friendships to begin with and the differences between loving someone romantically and platonically on an emotional scale. So what are these subtle differences? Friends are expected to help and support you so long as it is convenient for them to do so. A romantic partner may be expected to find ways to offer help and support even when it is not so convenient. Step 1. Do not go out of your way for someone who you either would not expect to go out of their way for you, or for someone who simply would not be prepared to go out of their way for you if it was not convenient to do so.
Friends are people you spend time with when you have some free time and you are looking to fill it, romantic partners are who people seek to “make time” for and are drawn to see on a more regular basis. (There is usually a sexual component to this drive to spend time, and this often boils down to a sense of validation sourced from a person of the gender to whom you are attracted.) Step 2. Keep expectations low on time spent together. And even when the time is frequent, know your place. This could change at any time when somebody more interesting comes along or circumstances change. Have many friends meeting your social need equally not one friend heavily or predominantly.
The reason people are drawn to romantic partners over friendships is because we live in a society that values family. The goal of many people is to find a partner, and make a family. Added to this, the demands of family already existing will also take priority. People tend to be quite busy with family, always at a birthday or celebration of some sort, or caring for elderly grandparents or parents. People, as a general rule, do want friendships, but feel they do not have the time to prioritise them, however much they might like to. Step 3. Do not expect or seek validation from friendships even if your friends are of your preferred gender, and do not expect friends to make you a priority. It is a burden they cannot carry.
For me this means knowing that women do love and accept me as I am, and I do not need to excessively make up for any perceived inequality from the starting point. I do not need to try so hard to please them to gain their approval. It means knowing I am “one of the girls” whether they approve or not! It means enjoying what time and attention they can offer, and reciprocating at that level. And it means finding friends who do prioritise friendships as I do, if I wish to feel closer and spend more time together. But most of all, it means knowing as beautiful as this “Flora” may be, it will never be a “Fauna” and it should stop being a friendship Fawner!!
❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx
Fawning is forcing friendship and I need to learn this and stop!