For those of you that don’t know, it is summer here in Australia, and the long hot school holidays are upon us! I have never professed to be the perfect mother, and I admit I find the holidays tedious and stressful as they stretch out for what feels like an eternity, even if it is only 6 weeks! The problem isn’t time with the children, as much as it is the stress that goes into planning these weeks.
I enjoy, or, perhaps, it has been a coping mechanism, or some combination of both factors, keeping us busy and social during the summer holidays. I have usually prepped for Christmas well in advance, so come November I can turn my attention to the tedious task of planning the time. Sitting down with the children and listening to what is important to them, such as sleepovers with friends and screen time, and where they want to visit, like ALL the waterparks and hotels etc…. is enough to slightly elevate your blood pressure alone! Haha
Once I have made note of their input, and we have decided on a fair compromise of activities and a balance of home time and social time, it is time for me to print the calendar templates and start penciling things in. This step in of itself requires much research. What places are open what days? What times? What food places are nearby? Can I pack a lunch? Do I need sunscreen and bathers, or membership cards and coins? Then there is the budgeting aspect – taking into account entry prices, added with likely incidentals like food, drinks, snacks, paid photography opportunities or gaming machines for example. This research and planning takes hours alone.
Figuring out the logistics of it all is even worse. Friend A only has Friday’s off work, but wants to visit the place that your discount tickets (I always have discount tickets!) are only valid Monday to Thursday?! Or Friend B always babysits for her friend on Mondays, and wants to see you, but your kids are older and don’t have much interest in the same activities as the younger child? Or you usually see friend C on a Tuesday but the hotels were cheaper midweek, so you booked getaways those days and can only offer her a Thursday catch up? It is so difficult to navigate fitting everyone and everything in the right place that I am proud of my masterpiece when it is complete. I have planned which days we will go where with which people. I have scheduled sleepovers and home days and getaways. I have planned the meals around all of it and the prices and tickets. I have booked in advance everything that can be booked in advance and I finally feel prepared! Bring it on Summer Holidays, I am ready for you!
Have you heard the expression “In the beginning there was a plan, and the plan was good?” Well, that, ladies and gentleman is my reality! I know I have posted before about how much I love my friends that come together out of the woodwork like a social support network during this time, and also my frustrations at those same friends when they cannot keep their plans. I wont lie, it REALLY UPSETS me, changes to my plans! I feel invalidated and like they don’t respect my time. Either the time I took to make the plans or the time it will take to accommodate changes. No, we can’t just do next week instead, because I have plans with other people next week!
I have one friend in particular who really helps and supports me through the holidays. As she doesn’t have children of her own, she can be more flexible and available to tag along with us. Last year, she appointed me president of her social calendar and basically said “tell me when and where, and I will be there.” Except she wasn’t. Her brother’s wife returned to work after maternity leave, and that meant she was expected to have the baby any time her sister in law worked a shift. This meant movie tickets had to be refunded in favour of trips to the mini train stations, and waterparks were discarded in favour of indoor play centres. Where plans couldn’t be changed or abandoned, it meant I was watching the baby while she was off riding the rides with my kids as agreed for example. I noticed a pattern and gently enquired about the baby’s day care schedule! I thought I was well prepared to boycott the system this year, planning outings with this friend on days when the baby was at day care and leaving her free.
Alas, my friend still ended up bringing the now toddler to a waterpark and making us work around his nap. She still changed a movie date because she ended up having her other nieces and nephews sleep over instead, and she still changed our climbing adventure, which I specifically needed her for, in favour of a camping trip. I understand my friend has strong family values and I love this about her, I don’t expect to be a priority, unless you have made plans with me first. In which case, I kinda do expect if you have said “tell me when and where and I will be there” that, you know, you will actually be there. Especially if you know I am relying on you to be there. This is fair. My friend knows I hate these changes, although I try to accommodate them I had to be very clear with her that these impromptu changes are pretty difficult for me to navigate.
Recently however, she brought the toddler with us to an outing and it was fine. Lovely even, and I had to wonder why I get so upset about things that don’t matter just because I planned it to be a certain way! As my oldest has Autism, I do have to schedule and he doesn’t like changes, however it was more than that, it was ME who also didn’t like them. Wondering if I too have autism, I googled why I find changes to plans so frustrating, and I came across articles referencing the Myers Briggs personality types; Judgers and Perceivers.
I, my friends, am a Judger. I cannot relax until I have done what I needed to do. Much of my thought goes into the future and planning for all possible outcomes. I have a school holiday schedule before they start until after they end. I have a budget always to a year in advance, and I get up early to do 10000 steps, even on holidays, so that it is done and I can relax. I cannot relax until I have done what needs to get done, and I know I am prepared for what needs to be done tomorrow too!
My friend, actually, almost all my friends, appear to be perceivers. Plans make them feel locked in, whereas they prefer to keep their options open. They like to see how they feel on the day. They like to see what offers they get, and they are especially adaptable to change. They are flexible and confident they will get everything done, get to all the places without a plan, and don’t lose sleep over it if some things are missed.
Knowing this fundamental difference really helped me understand and tolerate these changes and accept my friends can’t help their nature any more than I can. Question is, can we be friends? And if we can, how can we be better for each other? Stay tuned next week to find out!
To find out what personality type you are, take one of their free tests here. Please note, in relation to the Perceiver or Judger type, these are usually listed last. Your type will have 4 letters, ending with a P or a J. If you are a judger you will see J and if you are a perceiver you will see a P. It is possible to have traits of both. For these specific personality types only try this test here from www.brainfall.com.
❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx
