I am the first to admit that I tend to shy away from conflict and confrontation. The idea of it can be paralysing to the point that it is easier just to withdraw and walk away than actually have those hard conversations. However, as I have reflected here in that past, that tendency has not been helpful. You cannot resolve conflict if you won’t confront it.
That’s all very easy to talk about in theory. What isn’t as easy, is putting that theory into practise and putting your money where your mouth is. When I wrote that piece about confronting conflict, issues were brewing, but none had bubbled to the surface just yet.
Over time, that brew started to simmer, and I knew it was time to suit up for battle. Not having had much practise at confronting the issues head on, I am going to be honest and admit my first attempt was feeble. So feeble in fact the friend in question still seemed relatively unaware I had raised an issue and was continuing on as if everything was fine between us. I was conflicted by this, because ultimately things continuing on well was my desired outcome, however, our ideas on the health of our connection were quite different, and continuing was not a reflection of how I felt. I did not feel everything was fine. How would my friend know if I didn’t say anything more direct about it?
Feeling frustrated that she had missed my first attempt ensured that my second attempt went down like a lead balloon too. I knew that I was not handling the conversation well and yet, I couldn’t seem to stop making it worse. My first mistake in this instance was attempting to have this important conversation via instant messaging.
In large part, my issue in our friendship was the lack of quality time we were sharing. Our friendship had become very activity focussed recently, and I was not feeling that connection that comes from spending time actually just talking and being present with one another. While I enjoyed the time my friend and I spent, and the activities we shared, I felt we weren’t being present with each other. My friend had been a large part of our everyday life over the past few years and this year circumstances changed and it led to a bit of a disconnect for me.
Curiously, my little implosion happened after a really lovely afternoon spent together when my friend stopped by impromptu and stayed for a few hours like old times. She texted what a lovely time she had, and instead of returning the sentiment, I took the opportunity to launch into a tirade on how it seemed to have been her choice recently to disengage in our casual company and conversation and I was beginning to think it was more about the activities for her. Naturally, my approach made my friend defensive and annoyed. She did apologise, and she did acknowledge her withdrawal, but it seemed it wasn’t good enough for me. Once I got started, I couldn’t seem to stop. I don’t know what I thought I would achieve, but can only reason that perhaps I was trying to express the depth of my hurt, to get my friend to acknowledge not only that she had withdrawn but that I was wounded by this. Instead it just came across as nasty accusations. '
Eventually my friend stopped reading or replying. To be fair to her, it was late at night by then and we both needed to sleep as we were obviously emotional and tired. However, it hurt me that this conversation wasn’t even important enough for my friend to lose any sleep over. I stayed up ruminating over how she might have responded to me if I was anyone else in her life, while she slept peacefully to escape her anger and resentment at me for actually asking her to start showing up to our friendship again. I eventually accepted that I couldn’t possibly know how she would respond to anyone else, nor could I know what she was feeling, how well she was sleeping or what she was thinking. So instead I considered her points, that things in both our lives had changed this year, and as a result of that circumstance she no longer had the time to devote to us. That she probably felt attacked and misunderstood and I may feel angry about that too in her position.
Above all else, I decided I had handled the conversation exceptionally poorly, so when the morning came, I acknowledged that and apologised, saying this was a conversation best had in person, if at all and that I did hear her perspective and it had merit. I had forgotten that we were 2 members of the same team, not opposing ones, and we shared a common goal – to make things better between us. I needed a reminder from my previous musings that people feel lonely because they build walls rather than bridges. That is essentially all I was achieving that night.
My friend took the opportunity to reassure me that she wanted to make our friendship meaningful to me again and suggested some ways to go about that. I was able to express that I would appreciate some effort on her behalf to make that time happen, without making the scheduled demands that I have been criticised for in the past. However it was hard to accept this effort on face value, because when you have to ask someone to make more effort, the unfortunate side effect of getting what you asked for, is not knowing if the other person wants to give it to you or if you’re only getting it reluctantly because you forced their hand, and they quietly resent you for it.
This meant there was more work to be done. More understanding. More awkward painful conversations. During these conversations we had to really hear each other and validate the points each of us made. We had to remember one of us wasn’t “wrong” – that we could both be right. My friend was right when she said she didn’t have as much time to offer, and I was right when I said friendship requires you to make time. It’s about her making SOME time and effort, and me appreciating that time and effort. It’s about understanding the ways in which we feel connected to one another and accepting our fundamental concept of friendship differs.
I’ll be honest, at the time of writing this piece, I can’t say for sure if this friendship will endure, or if the season has passed. Even if we revive it, will we have what it takes to sustain it? It might never be what it was again, but that doesn’t mean it wasn’t good while it lasted or that it can’t still be meaningful in the future. Even if our attempts ultimately fail, we will both know we tried. I have said before if a friendship is painful enough to push you to the limits of walking away, it is probably worth saving, and this one is definitely worth trying at least.
On that note, I would like to thank my friend for stepping forward. I have noticed the extra effort, and it is enough. I don’t want to ask of you more than you can give. I don’t want you to resent these efforts as though they are not making a difference, because they are. I know you‘re still a bit angry and you know that I am still a bit hurt, but the good news is that an emotion shared is an emotion halved and we care enough to try and help each other let go of these emotions instead of continuing to lean into them and blame one another for them. The fact that I can come to you safely and trust you to work with me and not against me means everything and gives me much hope for our future. I hope you feel safe to do the same when the time comes, because I do love you, for whatever it is worth.
❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx
