Last month was all about apologies, the word sorry, the ways in which we should and should not give or accept them and the power that goes with one small word with one big meaning. I am sure you are all tired of that theme by now, so today we will look at the power of one small 2 letter word.
See how I said “we” in that last sentence. It flows nicely, doesn’t it. I am writing and you are reading and although we do not know each other, we are in fact on this journey together. But unless I pointed it out, you were not likely to think anything of it, should I have instead written that I wanted to explore the power of one small 2 letter word!
So why is it significant? I am a believer in empowering our friends. Offering advice, but with no real expectation that they will do as we suggest, and reassuring them that they are the best person to decide what is right for themselves. It feels good to remind a friend that you believe in them and you know they can navigate their own life successfully, deal with any challenges and or obstacles and achieve whatever success means to them.
I like to try and always make sure that I am there for my friends. That I listen to their stories, follow up, offer advice and encourage them, console them, remind them how great they are and how strong they are, even when they don’t feel strong. I am often telling them “You have got this! You can do this. You are so smart and strong that I know you will figure this out.” I offer help where I can and an ear when I can’t, and try to use these words of affirmation to reassure and motivate them to be the best that they can be.
I am a soft place to fall when you have had enough, and a gentle push in the right direction when needed. So, I was surprised to hear a friend tell me recently that my words actually made her feel heavier and more alone! When I tell her “You have got this!” for example, the emphasis is on the word you, and you alone. When sometimes what she wants and needs more than anything is to hear “I have got your back. We will figure this out together. You are not alone; I am here for you and here with you.”
Now often the challenges we face in life, ultimately, we do face alone, however I never realised such a simple change in my language could be so powerful in removing the sense of isolation people sometimes feel during times of need. I honestly never even thought about it. I thought I was proving I was there for people, by showing up, by listening, by offering suggestions, help and information as much as possible. By checking in to show the person I know you are struggling, I am still thinking of you, I haven’t forgotten.
That said, when the conversation is over, and my friend goes back to their life, it is fair to say I can cast aside their woes and get back to my luckily peaceful existence. And my friend feels very alone, unable to stop the worry or distress. So, I suppose I really have been reiterating that my friend is alone even if that was not my intention.
So how powerful it is to instead say “we will figure this out.” To reassure them that you will continue to hold some of the problems weight, that you will make a phone call if needed or do a grocery run to help them out or take them out for a meal just so they feel a little bit taken care of and less alone. Even if you still want to remind your friend that they can do whatever it is that needs to be done, always remember to also add in that you are right there with them every step of the way.
For example, my friend’s friend was recently discharged from hospital and after some anxiety and panic attacks, had started to feel like maybe staying in hospital was the better option and was questioning their decision to come home instead of accepting a transfer to a different hospital. My friend said to them “If we need to get you back into hospital, then that is what we will do. If we need to find ways to make you feel more secure at home then that is what we will do. You decide which is right for you and we will make it happen.”
They decided to stay home and see how they got on, as they needed complete bedrest. My friend went over with meals, a kettle to put by the bed, a voice activated light control, some books and puzzles, snacks and of course a big hug! She spent some time sitting in bed with her friend, watching a movie, talking about life, and just being present. By the end of the night her friend felt settled, cared for and like they had a plan. Like they were not alone.
Sometimes that is what a friend needs more than anything. I really appreciated this reminder from my friend, without judgement or criticism on how to be better, how to be there more for people and how to reiterate that I am on their team and we will get through our lives separately, yet, together, because “We Got This!”
Thank you for reading this and coming on this journey with me as we explore the good, the bad and the ugly, together!
❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx
