A friend and I were recently discussing her new job, and the fact that almost immediately after starting the position the office gossip started. People trying to “warn you” of the status quo, to keep away from this person or that person, who is having personal issues and of course each person claiming that they do the lion’s share of the work meant to be done by everyone else. Lol
My friend was surprised, how easily people gossip. She reasoned that they did not know her well enough to be trusted with such insights and she herself may be someone to avoid for all they know! I reasoned that although I haven’t been in paid employment for a good many years now, that I remembered it well and that people felt they had to recruit you to their team before it was too late.
Many of them are well intentioned. Sometimes there is someone in the office who is best avoided, or someone you would be wise not to confide in. It’s normal for these conversations to come up as you befriend new colleagues, as work is the immediate thing you share in common and where you will spend your time. However my friend is someone who is pretty likeable. I have always been jealous of how easily she fits in with everyone wherever she goes. Everybody loves her, myself included. She says we are the closest, but I bet she says that to all the girls! Haha
Anyway, my friend relayed that no matter how well intentioned, or otherwise, the gossip put her off the messenger more than the target. Not to mention she expects to at least hear both sides of the stories, in time, if this is that type of workplace. Although to be clear my friend has no intention of getting involved in any of this drama anyway, and makes it a point never to choose a side, as it were. She is Switzerland. Lol
It reminded me of a time when someone in the office “pre-warned me” not to get involved with ‘bitchy salad friend’ from a few posts back. Like a moth to the flame I obviously am as she was the first person I gravitated towards. Haha But I recall saying to the person who warned me “Thank you for your concern, but I prefer to make my judgements about people based on my own experiences of them.” Which shut down the gossip entirely. However, as evident by the title ‘bitchy salad friend’ the warning was probably best heeded.
So who is right in these situations? Should we listen to what people have to say about others? Or should we be wary of them and what they will tell others about us? Should we believe what we hear first, or what we hear from the other party? Is it better to let someone know if the person they are befriending has wronged you in some way, or let them figure it out for themselves?
There are definitely 2 sides to every story, but we would all be wise to remember that perception plays a big role in the truth. If you have been hurt or betrayed by a person, it stands to reason you would not want to see anyone go through the same thing, however it’s likely you played your part in whatever happened too, and the other party would have something to say about you also. So perhaps ask yourself if you would want people to believe everything they heard about you from the perspective of someone who views you unfavourably?
Unless this person is at serios risk of harm, I feel this is one of those situations where silence is golden. You have the opportunity to make friends with a new colleague, so instead of wasting your breath trying to let them know the lay of the land, ask them about themselves, share about yourself. Build a rapport with them so that the only thing they believe about you is from their direct experience of you.
Despite my ‘bitchy salad friend’ experience, I do recall another time when a group were chatting about the positives about a mutual known person. All raving about her. I don’t know why I felt it was the appropriate time or audience to chime in about what I didn’t like about this person combined with some gossip I had heard about her, however I can now understand in hindsight why I was never included in that group again. My behaviour was negative, toxic and ugly, and it said more about me than the person whom we were discussing. Not to mention I did not read the room! Haha
But we live and we learn. We have all done things like this, it is human nature. Which brings me to my final point. People have toxic traits or behaviours, but generally people are not toxic. One person may have lashed out uncharacteristically due to other stressors, and it isn’t fair to judge them based on that alone. Or maybe like me, they felt awkward and in some way I can only assume I was trying to gain respect in the circle by sharing inside information as a misguided way to bond. Whatever the reasons or circumstances, it is problematic to judge people based on their worst moments or to assume that because they weren’t a good fit as a friend to you that they wouldn’t be to anyone else.
Don’t believe everything you hear, and maybe don’t even believe everything you say, although the less you say about others, the better! Trust me on that one! Haha
❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx
