I tell people all the time to be more mindful of their friendships; to mentally put aside time and reminders to reach out to their friends. This is particularly important for super busy people, who can easily go months without really speaking to anyone “just because.” I don’t believe friendships are a waste of time, and nor do those people, however some people strive on more focused time and goals and friendships just don’t fit well into that narrative.
So I tell these people, invite a friend to meet you for lunch near your office on your lunch hour, or send a quick message every Friday night just to get into the habit of dedicating that time to friendships, because they ARE important. I stand by this advice, but I want to point out that this alone will never be enough. It is like watering your plants with only a drop of water instead of a sprinkle.
These steps are the maintenance during the drought to make sure the crop survives the harsh conditions to flourish again when the time is right. How long the drought lasts is entirely your call, however you better know your crop well enough to know how long it can handle the dry before it dies of thirst.
The good thing about friendships as opposed to plants is that they don’t need daily attention, and they can alert you when it is time for a good watering. The bad thing is that when we see a plant starting to droop or brown, we water it or actively decide to let it die, we don’t get angry at it for needing more attention, whereas with friendships sometimes we do. On the other hand, a thirsty plant will quickly absorb any drops of water offered willingly and gratefully, and that isn’t always the case with a friendship.
I have a friend who only calls in the car. That is her purposeful time for friendships where she can multitask and use her driving time effectively to water her friendship garden. Sometimes there is purpose to her calls, but most often she is just calling to say hello and touch base. Her intentions are good, and yet I struggle to accept them that way. I don’t know why it bothers me that she calls while driving, but I cannot deny it does.
Or perhaps, what bothers me is that she ONLY calls while driving. The other day she called me while I was getting my hair done and I couldn’t answer her call. I texted her to tell her that I wouldn’t be able to speak on the phone at that moment and I would call her when I was done. But I knew she had called because she was driving and if I didn’t call her back before she reached her destination, I wouldn’t get to speak to her! Sure enough I called when I was finished at the hair salon but no answer. Again, no answer when I called an hour after that. She did message that she would call me later, but she didn’t.
Well, that isn’t true, to be fair to her, she did call. She called the next morning, when she was driving to work! Now I understand that is when it was convenient for her to call. However, she knows I have school aged children to get organised for the school day and that it was not the most convenient time for me to take her call. I should also note that it was my choice to take her call that morning. I could have said “sorry, not a good time for me, I will call you later.” However by the time she is driving again I will be in the dinner, bath, and bed routine with the kids. So by that logic, it is never convenient for me to take her call at the times it is convenient for her to make them.
This makes me feel that although she was the one making the effort to call, that (A) the onus is actually on me to inconvenience myself to take the calls because she wont inconvenience herself to speak at other times, and that (B) I am not important enough to speak to when it is inconvenient. That doesn’t make what I feel fact, however if I feel it then it is still valid. And surely I have a point.
Something else that bothers me about it is sometimes she calls with news or conversations which warrant more time than she has to discuss them? Why call to ask how I am, only for you to tell me as I begin sharing that you have to go now? It frustrates me no end!
Only call me when you actually have time to talk!
But that is probably because I enjoy long meandering conversations and she doesn’t. She finds them pointless and a waste of time! It is because I assign a meaning to her calls that she doesn’t intend to attach to it herself. That I am a not a priority and calling me is just another thing to tick off her list and fill the silence in the car! As she is the one making the call, I can only assume her intention is quite the opposite and what she means to portray is that she used what little time she had to call me and that is because it was important and she didn’t want to just not call at all?! Should I not focus on her intentions when it is her call and her time?
Why do I find this hard to accept? I find it hard to accept because I separate myself from my inner plant! If I have a need to talk to her, I should drink up the drop that she called and accept it for what it is. I should not reject the drop, or the call, because it isn’t enough for me! But what is the solution to this conundrum, short of dying of thirst?
Simple, I don’t use these calls for conversation as much as I use them to secure some of her time face to face in person! Short calls for arranging plans are fine. It doesn’t have to take more than a few minutes to agree that you will go to the new local Mexican place for dinner on Friday night, or invite her over for a coffee on Sunday afternoon. By doing this, I am letting her know that my inner plant is still thirsty, while respecting her limited time to make the call.
And by continuing to call, she keeps in touch, keeps the connection alive. Being that she has figured out by now that I will ask for time when she calls, her continued calling assures me that our friendship is important, and that is why she calls. If she stopped calling or I stopped answering then it would die. The calls have now become the light rain in between catch ups.
If all we had were the calls; that would not be enough. But I know she is busy, and she doesn’t like to message. This is her communication style and preference, and I accept that about her, even if it irritates me sometimes. I know I irritate her sometimes too with my own habits, like my preference for long winded wordy messages! Haha So we compromise and make allowances.
Friendships are a bit like weeds that grow in the cracks of spare time in people’s lives. With love and positive intention, they thrive in most conditions and often actually bloom into beautiful flowers that make you wonder why it was labelled a weed in the first place. A bit like why this blog questions why friendships aren’t given the attention they deserve as a concept, or a place of priority and recognition in society……
❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx
