In the spirit of the recent topics touching on queer platonic relationships and Boston Marriages, I wanted to write a piece about friendships that don’t seem to quite fit in either category, but feel much more a blend of the 2 romantic versus platonic bonds, but stay in a bit of a grey space…… So if you and someone you are close to are less than lovers, does that make you friends? Can you be more than friends if you are less than anything else officially speaking?
Keep in mind I am not necessarily talking about friends with benefits here. Today I am writing about those super close friendships, that feel more like relationships…… but aren’t. They aren’t, in the way that benefits are lacking, but that is the only way that they aren’t.
If you are, or ever have been in one of these friendships, you will understand what I mean when I say that the word “best friend” feels too distanced, doesn’t exactly capture the essence of the bond or they way you interact or structure your relationship, and yet, it seems the only acceptable terminology to use?
You might consider this person a love of your life, a soulmate or a sibling, depending on your beliefs and values surrounding these issues. You may do many of the things that romantic couples do. Daily good morning messages or good night texts, or just conversation. Valentines dates, plus one’s at weddings, weekends away. If there is a new place you want to check out, or show you want to see, you immediately assume they will be joining you and never really consider taking anyone else. If a third party comes along, it might even feel awkward, like they are somehow diluting the closeness you share by their presence.
This is probably because you feel you can talk to them about anything and everything, something you do often and you dislike it when someone else interjects and you find you have to filter yourself. Although you don’t touch this person, you probably feel the need to be close to them. For example if a third party were to sit in the middle of you, you might feel disgruntled and far apart from them. You may even feel the need to reach out and touch them to reassure each other that your bond is still “felt”.
These friendships tend to be intense, at times obsessive and usually exclusive. There is no boundary on qualifications. You may or may not share the same gender, orientation, situation, cultural values or beliefs etc…. it’s not as important as the deep love and connection you feel. If you do happen to be of the same gender it wouldn’t be uncommon for people to question your relationship and rumours of homosexuality may swirl around you. If you happen to both be straight and of opposite genders, I can safely assume that people refuse to believe that you are NOT a couple and insist you should be one.
Except, for whatever reason, sometimes reasons you don’t know yourself, you aren’t a couple. Often, one of you, sometimes even both of you want to be, but some sort of fear holds you back. It might be as simple as fear that you will ruin what you have, or as complex as fear that people would not accept or understand your pairing that does not fit into the boxes they offer.
I have lived my life having serial monogamous almost relationships that I have called friendships. It could be because I am not heterosexual and these friendships are an attempt to have relationships with women as far as possible within the context of marriage and sexuality. This pattern predates those obvious constraints though. Could it be a pattern I developed to explore closeness with other girls before I was even consciously aware of sexuality? That makes sense, but what of the women who do not share any homosexual tendencies? Why do they participate in such pairings with me… or with each other?
I can’t say I know for sure, although I would like to, if any of you know. What I can say is that these almost relationships are as painful as they are pleasurable and they almost always end, the same as relationships do, I suppose, until you meet that one person you are with forever. But this leaves me wondering if it is possible to meet that one person, in an almost situation?
Not all of the friendships have died, but eventually the intensity dies. The connection just isn’t the same and the feeling of closeness and togetherness is eventually shattered in one way or another. Anything from circumstantial changes, to emotional ones can alter the dynamic. And when these changes start happening, it is nothing short of agonising. Sometimes it is only then that you may question if the term friendship was strong enough to describe your relationship when your pain appears to outweigh it rationally?
There have been times where I knew that I would have liked to share more with them, but most of the time this is an unspoken thing on both sides that you just love each other at full capacity, well….. almost!
These connections can be somewhat intoxicating, impossible to resist, and although the people in them don’t want to continue this pattern because of the pain it brings, time and time again the reward outweighs the risks. As they develop, people get so lost in them that they don’t even realise that it is happening again. Until it ends.
Should these people just stay out of the water and not share deep emotional connections with friends because it is too risky? Or should they accept that sometimes you get dunked, but riding the waves is too fun and they haven’t died yet? I’m not sure.
What I personally have learnt along the way is never to have only one. Although I referenced a monogamist approach, this is unwise. It is even unwise to have one that takes priority of place. I think you at least need to exploit the nonmonogamist fundamental concept of friendship and experience deep and meaningful connections with a range of people, and this should extend to having more than one potential plus one for an event in your mind.
Do you have one of these friendships? Is it consistent? Or something you fall back in and out of depending on your circumstance? More on that next week!
❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx
