Thanking a fan mail from Anika for this suggested topic on Aristotle! Keep writing in folks! =)
Back in history, a well-known Greek Philosopher named Aristotle described 3 types of friendship. The categories were:
Friendships of Utility
Friendships of Pleasure
Friendships of the Good.
(Wikipedia reference here)
The first type of friendship – friendship of utility, was meant to describe what we would likely refer to today as an acquaintance. It didn’t require you to like the person particularly, or for them to like you, but offered you both some sort of reward for cordial interaction. For example the lady who sells dog treats at the local dog park. You might know her name, and act friendly toward her. She is familiar with you and your pet’s names or behaviours. However you know nothing more about one another and have no desire to know more. You are friendly to one another on the basis that you want discounted organic dog treats for your pets, and she wants to make money from selling her goods. You are useful to each other, however the term friend would not really accurately describe your association.
This is not to be confused with a friend who uses you, and only makes contact when they want something, although by all means I would hesitate to use the word friend in that circumstance too! Nor is it used to describe acts of service between 2 friends of a different category. Friends in this category are people you recognise, you have pleasant conversation with, but said conversation is surface level and inconsequential generally speaking. You will have many “friendships” in this category over your lifetime and none of them will be likely to stand out or be remembered. You are unlikely to notice or to care when the association ends. It wont be a painful parting.
The second type of friendship is what Aristotle named Friendships of Pleasure. These are friends that we spend time with regularly because you delight in their company – or perhaps the activity which brings you together. For example you may have a good friend in art class. While you are there to practise and learn about art, you very much enjoy the wine and gossip with your friend you made in the class too. These are commonly colleagues. You genuinely like these people. You spend time regularly and consistently, however, the bond doesn’t seem to grow outside of the bounds of its birthplace. Maybe you tried and they weren’t interested or vice versa, or neither of you ever thought to expand the friendship. Sometimes you did try and it turned out the friendship only flourished under quite unique circumstances. For example, you both love art and wine, however the similarities end there. You live in a fancy apartment in the city, work a corporate office job and spend weekends at the theatre, whereas they live in a beach shack on the coast, write for a living and spend their time surfing. You might enjoy hearing about one another’s lives, but not enough to participate in that lifestyle.
Friends with benefits may fall into this category. Just shy of being something meaningful. You will remember these people after you part, but the chances are high that in time, you will part. There will be many of these people that come and go from your life. They are meaningful and should you meet again, it is likely you will be flooded with memories and fondness. However, the interactions are still not likely to rekindle. Once the flame dies out in these connections, it usually doesn’t respark. This doesn’t mean you were never meant to be friends or that the friendships weren’t real, only that they weren’t lasting. You will miss these people, but you are unlikely to long for them or feel heart broken by them.
I guess in my own life, these are my activity friends. The people I enjoy because I like their company, but in equal measure because I enjoy the activities we share. Movies, day spa’s, dinners, escape rooms, hotels, nails, shopping….. there may or may not be a valuable emotional connection with depth, it may vary, it may be reciprocal or one sided, but you hang in there because it is fun, more than fulfilling.
I, myself, wonder if most of these pairings could have become more, except each person’s quota was full for making more connections. Neither had the energy to sustain more, even if they were compatible in theory. Even if one person makes the effort, it takes 2. If both people are not open and available for the connection to grow, it wont. It took me a very long time to understand that wasn’t always personal.
I think it is quite common, actually for only one of the 2 people in any close friendship to put the friendship in this category. I am quite certain I have friends who only do this level, the next level being reserved strictly for family. One person in the pairing tends to have a much more casual attitude towards the bond than the other. I have actually wondered if we all don’t do this to people without being aware of it. Limited how close we could be or limited the potential for whatever reason even if we knew or suspected they wanted more.
The third type of Friendship Aristotle named was the ultimate tier of friendship. Friendships of the Good. These are the friends we let close to us. The ones that truly know our strengths and weaknesses and love us for it. They are the ones who we trust, rely on and let see behind the mask. The ones we offer support to and celebrate. These are friends we give and expect loyalty to and from. These are the friendships that will break a heart if they shatter, because they are so valuable and meaningful.
Friendships of this nature require reciprocation, you would assume and that is, I believe, the context in which it was meant. However, as I stated above, I think sometimes we might love somebody at this level while they kinda keep us in type 2 or vice versa. However, we are usually somewhat blind to this. If we love a friend to tier 3 then we assume perhaps that this sentiment is returned.
We expect these friendships to last, and often times they do, assuming the character of the people involved stay basically the same, we will continue to seek each other out and miss each other during periods of absence. These are the friends with whom we are likeliest to make effort to keep in touch. They are the ones we will be willingly useful for without personal gain. They are the friends we confide in and who’s secrets we guard with respect not judgement.
These are the friendships of great love stories and tragedies, although they may never have had romantic flair. Because they are meaningful, they are celebrated and mourned equally and in many ways become part of us. These are the friends worth fighting for.
Know which friendships belong in which categories in your life. Mistakes in not knowing your place or theirs can be costly. Be careful who gets to level 3, but when they do get there, be careful to show them the respect they deserve and the care your friendship will need to sustain itself. You’ll be glad you did, and sad to learn one day if you never really understood the difference.
❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx
