My love of trashy eighties pop music is no secret, so you won’t be surprised to hear I was happily listening to my Paula Abdul album while pondering new fodder for blogs. When the song “Opposites Attract” came on I wondered if that was applicable to friendships. Does attraction come into friendships at all?
I always like to compare the similarities and differences between friendships and relationships, and am resigned to the fact that the ways that most people differentiate the 2 is by drawing a boundary physically. I know some situations challenge this idea, as we looked at in recent weeks. There are many more complicated dynamics in some situations or friendships, but for the sake of simplicity, today I am only referencing strictly platonic connections.
I suppose it is fair to say attraction would be the appropriate term to describe what draws us to a friendship with one person over another, but I am referencing physical attraction. Are we more attracted to individuals considered to be conventionally attractive? Or are we more likely to actively select less attractive friends on the basis of feeling more secure in ourselves? Or is it more accurate that we align ourselves with people we feel are of a similar social standing/appearance as ourselves?
Having observed my own patterns and those of the people around me, the answers to this seem to vary based on an individual’s self-esteem and their values. One friend reflected that most of her friends tend to be thin, while she is not. Although she aspires and admires this quality in her friends, she also quipped that it can make her feel insecure in those friendships and she doesn’t always feel completely able to be herself around them for fear of judgement. The people she aspires to be friends with are often people she feels are better than herself in some way, although these friendships can fail to launch due to her self-esteem telling her not to bother those beautiful people too much, and that if you must try, usefulness is key for lack of a more svelte physique.
I have also come across people who actively admit that they prefer to surround themselves with lesser attractive people. Some claim they have found these people to be nicer, in a way exploiting their low self-worth! However the pursuer has no higher self-esteem either, that is why they choose this path. This person wants to be the best house on a bad street rather than the worst on a good one, like our last scenario. By comparison to their friends, they appear more attractive, and at times consider that they are doing their friends a favour in socialising with them at all, almost an act of charity. However one has to assume deep down this is based on the fear that they are not quite good enough for people they would like to consider themselves on par with. Perhaps they also feel it is less effort and their friends are less likely to leave them.
In my own experiences I think it would be fair to say most of my friends seem to be on par with where I would rate myself physically. Each of them with their unique beauty, however probably traditionally average in terms of appearance. What I mean by that is that I like friends I can relate to. As weight has always been a struggle for me, many of my friends have struggled too. This is by no means code to say we are all overweight, simply that we have all struggled and weight tends to fluctuate. None of us would likely be chosen for a supermodel competition, however I would not say any of us are remarkably unattractive. I don’t recall selecting persons based on these attributes, but I would be lying if I didn’t admit I noticed or even felt more comfortable around people I felt I could instantly relate to, or who wouldn’t judge me based on size alone.
This reflects that similar to my friend in the first example, weight is something I notice and which influences my thoughts and feelings if I like it or not. Being self-aware generally means to observe yourself without judgement, just to notice things and be impartial to what you notice. This of course reflects more on myself than my friends, showing that I feel judged in general based on size, and it does influence my choices.
My last example is a friend who seems to have no active preferences when it comes to her friendships. Open and warm to all people, she has friends of varied levels of attractiveness, and does not limit herself based on anything physical. I have to hope this means she is very comfortable in herself, unconcerned with judgements of others, and does not allow her fears to rule her choices or limit her. When discussing this topic she described her attraction to others as more of an aura or presence. She felt she was similar to me in that she was drawn to people she felt she could relate to, but those relations were not swayed or limited by appearances alone.
I suspect she is onto something there, however I do tend to believe that in some circumstances, like in the second scenario opposites do attract. Not always a good thing though as it is portrayed in the song! And unlike magnets, sometimes similarities attract too, but is this limiting potential? All of us need to be more mindful that people are not tools to be used to gain social standing or acceptance. They are not stepping stones to a better life, nor charities.
Because attraction is not usually something we choose, I cannot ask you to change yourself. What I can suggest however, is that you are more aware of the connections you are forming with people and if they are fulfilling and meaningful and reciprocal. If you notice you have unhealthy patterns, try approaching your next friendship with more confidence and inner security and see how it changes things?
❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx
