How familiar are you with the friend who says “my partner is out of town, let’s catch up?” or does the friend who always calls when they are on leave from work sound familiar? Maybe the friend who is your bestie between partners but suddenly drops of the face of the earth the minute they are coupled up?
Whatever the reason, this friend tends to come and go from your life in unpredictable spurts, leaving you confused as to your actual meaning in their life, right? They think it is acceptable just to ditch you and roll on back to you later when the other people in their life are unavailable. If you are anything like me, you value consistency and this coming and going from your life is unnerving?
I am the first to admit that I have high expectations of my friends. I need them to carve out time in their lives on a semiregular basis to actually show up face to face and spend some quality time with me. I prefer it if there isn’t a long silence in between those times and that we maintain some level of basic communication or interaction.
That said, I am also the first to admit I will take a step back when a friend takes a partner. Obviously initially I respect the fact that they are attempting to build something meaningful between them and they will need time and privacy to do that. (Once that initial awkward dating phase ends that bring us closer as we debate the meanings of emoji’s in texts and what to wear on dates of course.) I assume responsibility for my friendships with my single friends.
That means I will suggest events, regularly message and invite them to go places etc… however, I have noticed an unspoken, and perhaps misunderstood pattern whereby I will pull back on these things and expect my friends to take the reins when they have entered a relationship. Not wanting to step on toes, and wanting to respect the new relationships my friends are exploring can possibly come off as a sudden disinterest from me.
Of course, if any of them appeared to notice or ask me about it, I could communicate that, however what tends to happen is that they get blissfully happy and start doing all the partnership things like sleepovers, family events, moving in, getting engaged, having kids etc…. whatever feels right for them. And sometimes, some of my friends have been known to kinda forget about our friendship and don’t remember until the first Saturday night they face alone for whatever reason. Then they suddenly reach out with the I miss you messages….
And of course, I am torn by this. Because part of me wants them to be happy and accepts that they are, which is why I haven’t heard from them. While the other part of me feels annoyed because all the while I made the effort when I was partnered. I will allow for the fact that my husband and I are settled. We have passed the honeymoon phase, cohabited, married and had kids. I will also allow for the fact that his hours are such that most of the time he isn’t actually around anyway, so maybe I am no better, just by design more available when he isn’t.
I accept the nature of friendships is to grow in the cracks of one another’s time, which is constricted by so many other roles and responsibilities. Yet, it still stings when a friend only rolls around when whatever else they have going on suddenly shift or end. I agree that forgiveness and going with the flow are imperative elements of long term friendships, and that these friends were not ill intentioned in our friendship. After all, any time they have needed me, I was there, so they have no reason to suspect that anything has changed between us.
Because when I needed them, they didn’t always know. Even if I was brave enough to reach out, if their best attempt to console me was a brief message saying “It will all be ok, sending love” I don’t feel loved and I am unlikely to ask for any more support, IF I asked for any to begin with. Of course I can’t entirely blame a friend for not offering me the support I didn’t ask for and they didn’t even know I needed.
However, I am always pretty clear that what I need is time, fairly regularly. If they don’t want to put in the time, then I will be less inclined to humour the odd request when they do have a spare moment. If the friendship is meaningful enough then I will make the time and try to treasure it based on its rarity and appreciate that with this only small nugget of time they have they chose to spend it with me! Change the way you look at things and the things you look at change indeed!
On the other hand, I also can’t deny I am torn. If a friend behaves in this manner, especially the kind who disappears and resurfaces only when single, I wont invest as heavily. I wont be the best version of a friend I can be, because I know that even if it’s not about me, that this person will leave again. When someone has already chosen to discard you, maybe more than once, is it ok not to continue allowing that behaviour?
I don’t want to advise anyone to cut off their nose to spite their face, however I think it sounds reasonable to say I want to be chosen by my friends. Actively chosen against perhaps better options. I don’t think it is a healthy pattern for me to continue allowing people to come and go from my life in this manner because it is hurtful to me and most of them do actually know that. I am not respecting myself, or asserting a boundary that I require consistency.
Moving forward I will have this conversation more candidly with people. I will also ask them single or otherwise, what their ideal relationship style looks like. Because maybe I am just not compatible with people who expect their partner to also be their best friend. That doesn’t leave much room for me and I would be wiser to accept this from the start. Most people, when asked directly how they handle friendships and relationships will deny they ditch their friends for a partner, so asking what they would ideally like in their future is a less direct but usually more effective way of assessing this.
I could risk losing some great people by limiting myself this way of course, I wouldn’t necessarily refuse to have anything to do with someone, just to limit the time and investment and keep it at a level I feel we can both maintain regardless, because once bitten, twice shy. Trying not to be extreme in your thinking, (or too rigid,) but also trying to still protect yourself is a difficult balance.
Thoughts?
❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx
