Recently someone I considered a very close friend decided to end our communication somewhat abruptly. I did understand and respect this choice, as much as it hurt. I can’t say I saw it coming, because I didn’t, actually it kinda blindsided me. That said, the situation was complicated at best and I knew in my heart of hearts it wasn’t personal but somewhat situational. Knowing that didn’t necessarily make it hurt any less though, because my friend knew she was making a choice that would hurt me, and yet she made it anyway.
Last week I wrote about choosing yourself, just as this person did. She felt she needed to practise self-care and part of that meant taking a break from us. Although I respected this choice, I found it ironic because I had thought that I was in fact taking care of her emotionally. I thought she knew, understood and felt cared for by me, not that self-care would mean removing me. I also believed that she cared about me too, and appreciated the reciprocal role we had in one another’s lives. So while I support her choice to do for herself whatever she needs to do, I had to question how I could be so wrong about someone and the relationship we shared.
I know perspective is reality, but there is always more than one perspective, and this really challenged my reality. I would consider myself somewhat rejection sensitive. Which means I can be cynical and don’t trust people easily. It means I can jump to conclusions and sometimes assume the worst. I have very close friends who have at times needed to reassure me that they do care because I have questioned it.
Logically I have written about the 5 love languages, and the fact that if my language is time, and my friend’s language is acts of service; unless we show love in the other person’s language, they wont feel cared about, even if you do care about them. So I could spend all the time in the world with that friend, and they just feel burdened and overwhelmed and maybe even disrespected, because what they want is for me to offer to watch their child. Similarly, the other person could watch my children every week but if she didn’t spend any time with me outside of that I would not feel cared for.
But this has brought me to question further how we can tell if a friend cares about us. If they do reciprocate. If we are valuable to them, or, if at any moment we might get discarded with yesterday’s junk mail. If they value us for what and who we are and not just what we offer them, or the role we fill in their movie. Because it became clear to me that the supporting actress in this case was never actually going to make it to the credits, no matter how great she was.
My problem in the past seems to have been assuming too easily and too quickly that people don’t care about me because they don’t put in as much effort or time as I do. Believing that if I didn’t feel cared for, the fact was that I wasn’t cared for. I mean, I knew, in most cases, like if I were to die or anything dramatic the friends in question would care and be sad, but short of that, I felt they didn’t care enough to actually let me know via effort before anything extreme happened.
Of course, I know intellectually this stems from insecurity and my feelings were feeding my thoughts and perceptions. If my friends say they care about me, who am I to tell them they don’t? I don’t know what they feel and in those instances saying that I wasn’t feeling cared for would have been more useful than demanding attention to prove that they did care. I have gotten way better at accepting and trusting that a lack of time does not always equate to not caring and being able to accept and trust that those friends do care, although they don’t have as much time to show me. I believe them when they share words or sentiments or appreciate the gestures they can make in lieu of time.
But this latest round of assuming that I was cared for when I wasn’t has knocked me off my feet a little. Ok, to be fair to this person I do know they do care for me, just not enough to choose me at the end of the day. And while I went into this particular friendship with the knowledge that this was always a probability, (her partner doesn’t approve of me) I was still hopeful that it wouldn’t come to choosing, or that if it did, I would stand a chance based on merit.
I guess it was naive and not the first time I have been let down by a friend who chooses a partner over our friendship, to believe that her level of investment in me would be anywhere near strong enough to measure up to a sexual partner. So to say that I incorrectly assumed she cares might not be as accurate as saying I incorrectly assumed it mattered or made any difference. It wasn’t me who asked her to choose anyway, but in similar circumstances I chose her, and so it stung she didn’t care enough to do the same.
That isn’t meant to feed into my hero complex though, because when I chose her, I made the assumption that she needed me. It didn’t matter to me what I needed or wanted, I made the decision I thought was right. She found herself in a position where she had to do the same and she chose what she thought was right. It wasn’t me. But at least now I know she will be ok without me, she doesn’t need my help or support, and maybe she never even wanted it! She has got this. What it does tell me is that I need to make better choices for myself.
Instead of asking what is the “right thing to do” ask myself “what is the right thing to do for myself? What do I want and need from this situation and what is the best choice for me to get it?” Because at the end of the day it actually doesn’t matter who cares about me and who doesn’t if I am looking out for myself. If I care about me, maybe I won’t need to know other people do.
No matter what your friends tell you, there is no guarantee that they care about you. Or that if they do care about you that they will choose you or make the effort. Or even if they care about you today that they will still care about you tomorrow. I want to know people care so I feel less alone, but the truth is, if I was as good a friend to myself as I was to everyone else, I would never feel alone to begin with.
So in answer to my question, how do you know if a friend cares about you? You don’t know for sure. You either believe that they do or you don’t believe it, but a better question is why does it matter?
❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx
