I love armchair psychology. For anyone who relates, and probably even those that don’t, I am sure you will agree that the internet represents a black hole where hours, sometimes even entire days seem to quickly disappear. I read up about disorders, friendships, building more positive relationships and all sorts of other foods for thoughts. It is my not so guilty pleasure, and often I justify it by calling it research, even if the topic at hand has nothing to do with friendships.
Because my readers all have one thing in common; and that is that we are all human. We all experience life, emotions, complicated behaviours and relationships with each other. And most concepts that apply to humans, are applicable to friendships, given the social nature of our kind.
When I am not researching, another guilty pleasure is watching “I survived.” Each episode usually features 3 people who survived some sort of trauma or accident. Disturbingly, almost every episode contains at least one woman who was attacked by a man, but I’ll leave that topic for the actual psychologists to muster. Then there is usually another who has survived an earthquake, or a plane crash or a ship sinking or something like that. The third category is often a person who survived an attack from a mountain lion, or a bear or a snake or a wild chimpanzee. In these cases, most of them survived because a friend went in to battle with them or for them, and I noted how distinct this is to the human species. Maybe why we do so well with dogs?
Other species will protect their young, however if you see a lion attacking a deer for example, (thanks for that David Attenborough!) you won’t see the other deer racing to his or her rescue. We are pack animals, and with that comes its complicated social dynamics. If you want to have friends who you count on to attack a bear for you, that requires a certain level of trust…. Which also requires a certain level of vulnerability.
I love vulnerability, although I probably do struggle with it myself. But it has served me well as a friendship tool. Knowing that people generally love to talk about themselves, and that this generates a feeling of connectedness has probably helped with my insecurities. If someone feels close to me, they will value me. If they feel that I know them on a deeper level, that they can trust me with their secrets and show me their inner world, then as a by-product of that, we both end up feeling safer and more secure. Loneliness only ensues if I fail to open up to them equally, or if they fail to notice and reciprocate my interest.
I do this by asking questions. I feel this shows interest in someone, and I am always interested in people. Some are so amusing, others fascinating, others intriguing. Almost all very rewarding when they do let you in. It may even come across as though I am interviewing new friends. As a well-meaning way of connecting with them, however I have been shocked to learn that some people consider this interest to be a violation of boundaries, and prefer not to be asked questions. I also notice I myself can become squirmish if someone I haven’t spent much time with delves too deep. While I like to be asked, and to share, I can admit to often holding my own cards close to my chest while asking the other person to show all of theirs.
Emphasis on the word “Already” perhaps?
So that is why this article; from “The Jordan Harbinger Show” resonated with me in uncomfortable ways. The article is titled “Stop Trying To Be ‘Vulnerable.’ Do This Instead.” It is worth a read, but bear with me first! Haha (Spoiler alert!) It outlines an experience whereby the writer is at a shared dinner, and the facilitator of the event requests that they all share something vulnerable in the name of connectedness. The writer feels uncomfortable sharing on command with a group of strangers, and refuses to participate. He wonders what is wrong with him that he was unable to be vulnerable or that it felt forced and inauthentic. However afterwards several other attendees approach him and say that they felt the same way and wished they were brave enough to also refuse. At that point the writer realises refusing to share, and trusting his instincts, was actually an act of vulnerability.
Vulnerability, basically means to be your authentic self at any moment. To share what you are thinking or feeling regardless of consequence or judgement. It can mean sharing a deep secret from your past, or a story that reflects your inner journey and why you are who you are today. But it also stems from not sharing too, if you don’t feel comfortable. It comes from openly communicating difficult or complicated things and removing yourself from expectations of others.
When I read this article, three friends in particular came to mind. The one who I felt pushed me away by refusing/rejecting my offer to talk to me/answer my questions, in my genuine efforts to connect with her. I gave no thought to how difficult it probably was for her to trust that I would take that rejection of communication at face value. The friendship subsequently fizzled as I had no other means of connecting when I misinterpreted this request to “not ask me personal questions about myself or my life.” I had no real clue how to talk without asking. And as someone who does like to be asked deeper questions, I felt hurt by the rejection. Rightly or wrongly.
The second friend that comes to mind is the friend who loves my questions. Someone who took a very long time to warm to me, to a point of vulnerability though. Someone who took her time learning to observe me, trust me and open up completely. Someone I liked, and never gave up on. Someone who intrigued me, and whom I knew there was a wealth of depth waiting to be uncovered, but whom I didn’t press too hard for that information because time together was never a regular thing. When it became more regular, when she trusted my investment regardless, it felt more genuine to open up. This friend also often challenges my own boundaries, pushing, asking, and is often surprised at what other cards I slowly reveal. She is teaching me patience with vulnerability – and that consistent time is an important ingredient.
This brings me to the third friend. This is the friend I find fascinating. She will be completely vulnerable in one moment, then distanced or more surface level the next, as though it never happened. We enjoy frequent time together, and have done for many years now, but yet somehow, I still don’t feel I really know and understand her. I enjoy her company, yet always seem to dig for something deeper and often wonder if there is maybe just not much there to be found. She knows I hunger for a deeper connection with her, for us to know each other like I do with my other close friends. We can and do discuss it, which I suppose is vulnerable in itself. However, she teaches me about vulnerability in comfortability. That we know each other so intimately from time together. That she knows when I need a bathroom, I need it NOW. That I know when she laughs too much, she often pees herself. That we can read each other’s moods and body language and are more in tune with each other emotionally without the need for conversations. That we laugh about each other’s weaknesses and trust each other not to punch below the belt (too hard anyway! haha). That we spar in good humour, but we are there for one another when it comes down to it.
So, what is the point of this article? Just to acknowledge there is more than one way to experience vulnerability, which is key to friendships. That sometimes you have to be patient, sometimes you have to be understanding, or make room or allowances, sometimes you have to go first, and sometimes you can just go ahead and ask. It requires you to know your friend, and do it in the way that they feel safest. I haven’t always done that, and I am starting to see and understand why some people just seem to say I make them uncomfortable. Sorry! Haha Vulnerability means apologising sometimes too. :D
❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx
Image from https://www.mobiusleadership.com/vulnerability-is-not-a-strength/
You should find it either way if you are patient and understanding and invested, and sometimes, if you go first!