I have posted previously about “The back-up friend” and this post follows a similar trajectory. It aims to acknowledge friendships as the secondary relationships of life, while also pushing the boundaries of still wanting it to be a priority. Second place should not after all feel like last place. Should it? This post also aims to recognise what a huge role personal circumstance plays in our values and expectations around friendships, but yet also how those values impact our perspectives. However the main aim here is to underline that friendships are a choice, and that many of us feel unchosen, regardless of how many friends we have.
I am only one person, so I can offer only my own perspectives on this which have been based on my experiences. That is not to say that I am right, or that there is no other way to look at things. The nature of this blog as a whole is to always remind readers that rejections in friendships are almost never personal. But the reason I need a whole blog about it is because when you are in the thick of friendship drama it FEELS personal. Not only that, we almost want it to be personal…. Because our friendships are personal.
No matter how many times I experience this feeling of not being chosen, it still hurts. No matter how much I can rationalise it or think logically about all the reasons I shouldn’t feel hurt, I think it is important to hold space for the fact that it does. The part of our brain that feels emotion often fires first, which brings me back to “are your feelings fact or fiction” (spoiler alert, they’re not facts.)
Many of us do not anticipate friendships ending. We aren’t living in a society that gives the concept of friendship much conscious consideration, but regardless the general ideas that float around are that true friendships last forever. Which hasn’t been helpful in my experience because many of them have ended. So not only is it unexpected, there is also no script of how to feel or act in this situation. My blog wants to address that! If feeling unchosen in romance feels bad, at least you can console yourself with the fact that every person chooses only one other. It stands to reason people want to thoroughly explore their options before choosing that one person. However, when you can choose as many people as you like, and you are still not even among the collective group of chosen ones, it does hit a person where it hurts. Right in the ego perhaps?
For someone like me, who is very conscious of friendships and the pleasure and value they add to my life, I am also very conscious of giving a lot to my friends. Being that no 2 people are the same, no 2 friendships are the same either. So yes, some require more than others. But I like to think I am conscious of the baseline requirements for each person and aim slightly higher than that.
For me, this means I tend to be the social planner, the one who will suggest time together. In some ways it is the best way to assure my seat at the table, assuming responsibility for the name cards. It means remembering special occasions without social media and making a fuss. It means being there for someone even if they are stuck in the same pattern they never escape and they come to you with the same problem over and over and over. It means reassurance and effort to be someone worth choosing, because when time is so valuable and limited, you have to be rewarding and valuable if you want people to choose to spend it on you.
I am well liked in my social group. All of my friends have wonderful things to say about me. My ex friends probably don’t, because they will be the people with whom I ceased putting in the effort when I felt unchosen in some way.
I don’t love it that friendships are secondary. However I have no choice but to accept it and I run a pretty good race for someone who knows second place is as good as it is going to get. I can accept a secondary place in a friend’s life. I observe their lives and how they spend their time and try to be convenient, not ask for a primary spot. I will allow you space at the beginning of a new romance to build what you need to with a partner, or not ask for time on the weekends because you are family oriented and that is when you see your family. I will however ask for the same energy I give you in return.
If I make time for you when my partner is available, I will expect that you will return the favour once in a while. If I am prepared to get up and message with you during a crises at 3am, I will expect you to be there for me when I need you. Sometimes it falls out of balance and I ask for more than I give, but more often than not I make sure I give more than I ask for. Maybe the problem is that I give more than they ask for even if they are willing to take it?
However, there always seems to come a time when no matter how much I have given, if something has to give, I will be the neglected party. I will be the person people choose to walk away from. No matter how valuable I was as a friend, it seems time and time again that friendship just isn’t a value to most people. The same thing that attracts them to me in the first place, will eventually drive them away.
And I used to wonder what specifically was driving them away. How could I be more valuable to people. How could I be less disposable? How could I find someone that would choose me when it was hard? How could I find someone that was giving what I was expecting not out of obligation but out of true desire to do so? How could I feel chosen?
Friendships are reciprocal, or at least they are meant to be, however I now know when someone doesn’t choose me, they are choosing themselves. And what a wonderful powerful realisation that is. I can choose me. I don’t need to walk around choosing friends, giving to receive. I can walk around with confidence knowing I am worth being chosen, being friendly, and seeing who gives to me before I reciprocate. I don’t need to control my seat at the table.
If I sit alone, with room for others, the right people will approach me for friendship. And I can choose if they will earn a seat with me. Because it is better to sit alone at your own table than to feel invisible at someone else’s.
To all the friends that didn’t choose me; thank you for leading by example. You chose yourselves. I wasn’t right for you. That is ok. Just know that I tried. We both deserve happiness and when you left my life, you made room for someone who actually wants to be there. I am good enough to be at your table, but from here on I have my own table and I choose me.
❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx
