It seems to be a common idea that bored and lonely are basically the same. That if you feel one, chances are you will feel the other. This is especially true of loneliness. It is more widely accepted that a person may feel temporarily bored, during a slow afternoon at work for example, without feeling lonely. However, it tends to be widely misjudged (from my experience anyway) that when a person complains of loneliness, that the person is misinformed and what they are really suffering is boredom.
I do not dispute that boredom and loneliness are often experienced together. Many people with depression will report this particular combination of emotions; a boredom which stems from an inability to be attentive to much or motivated, and lacking in persons to do things with even if they were motivated or interested. It really is a horrible combination of feelings. Therapy of course helps, because talking about how we feel sometimes lessen the load even if it isn’t solutions we seek. Sometimes we just need to feel like someone knows us, someone hears and sees us, and that someone cares. Even if they get paid to care.
My husband is easily bored. I have never met a grown adult before who cannot leave the house without some sort of book or gaming device to entertain them in the event that there is a moment when he is not occupied! Standing in line? Read a page of a book. Waiting in the doctors office? Pull out the portable gaming device. Even at times when he should be engaged, or at least pretending to be engaged, he will pull out the devices. Like at the school assembly or our daughters gymnastic class or our son’s specialist appointment. It is fair to say he has no concern for societal pressure. This is something I love about him, but yes, sometimes I cringe.
It just baffles me because we are so different in that regard. I am perfectly comfortable waiting for an hour with little to do. Ok, yes, I admit I pull out my phone and answer any messages I may have, but you could probably count on one hand the times I have pulled out a game or a book in those circumstances. I might google what is on my mind, or make a list of what else needs to be done. Does he have no thoughts? I am so distracted by mine that mindless games are anything but relaxing?
We are different. One is not wrong or better than the other. It might be nice to escape my thoughts, and maybe that is what he is doing. But when I ask him, there appears to be nothing there! Although it makes me a little sad, it also makes me a little jealous. How lovely to have such a quiet mind. No wonder he falls asleep with ease! No mental lists, social pressures or commitments and no worries! Seems idyllic to me, and yes, perhaps somewhat dull! No wonder he is bored!
I, on the other hand, crave human connection. I feel it is the reason for my existence on this earth, the gift to see people. Although so many people have left my life, almost every person I encounter mentions that they have been grateful for the experience of knowing me, because of the level to which I knew them. Most people, from my hairdresser I see only a handful of times a year, to my closest friends, tell me that I am easy to talk to. They tell me I know things that nobody else does, and that they look forward to talking to me. They appreciate that I remember the details and get to know the people around me.
I don’t find it hard to achieve. I have a natural curiosity for people and what they are experiencing in their lives. I have made enough choices in my life that I am in no position to judge anyone, and even if I was, I am wise enough to know that is not the key to openness. Just yesterday, at my hairdresser, the new trainee/apprentice was called over for most of my treatment to assist and learn. It gave us plenty of time to chat, as she opened up to me about her relationship with her child’s father, her housing situation, friendships and hopes for the future. We were giggling and bantering. It wasn’t magic, it was just creating a space for her to talk. When she left at the end of her shift, my hairdresser hugged me and said that was the happiest she had seen this assistant the whole time she had been there. It was the loudest and most joyous she had been, and the most she had opened up. My hairdresser then added that she shouldn’t be surprised, as I am always asking one about her son, the other about her twin brothers, herself about her medical conditions and the admin girl about her pregnancy.
I just smiled and said it wasn’t magic, you just have to care enough to ask, and then actually listen. Of course, I tell you this, because it is a trait about myself of which I am proud. However, I am not unaware that it extends so far to these casual contacts, because I often feel lonely. As a stay at home parent, my hours tend to be quite opposite to those of most others in my life. While they are free weekends, I am on kid duty then. While they are at work, I am available.
This means I tend to spend much time on my own. I don’t say this as a bad thing, or for anyone to get out the world’s smallest violin, it is just a fact about my life right now. Yet when I attempt to express it or explain it, people without fail tell me I need to keep busy. That I have too much time on my hands and that I am bored.
I assure you I am not bored. There is plenty for me to do, so much that I usually don’t get most of it done. (By that I largely mean the housework! Haha) I balance the accounts and pay the bills and keep in contact with all my son’s specialists and appointments. I do the general and birthday shopping, organise family events and keep up with the grocery shopping. I get my 10000 steps in every day. I wirte. I do the washing and make the lunches and get the admin of the house sorted. And usually while I do all of it, there is a running list of never ending other things to get done too, not to mention my abstract thoughts and worries.
I am not suggesting working women don’t do all this and more. I am sure they do. I know I am fortunate enough that I am in a position to watch a day time film or catch up with a friend for lunch. I don’t dispute it. I do those things as often as possible and thoroughly enjoy them. My point is only that like most people I have a growing list of shows on my need to watch list, that I could and would watch if only I had the time to. I am NOT Bored. I run a million of my own errands and far too many of other people who assume I have nothing but time to waste, and that they are doing me a favour by asking me to do things for them that they could easily do for themselves.
But most of the time, I am alone. I am a little isolated and I miss connecting with people. Just sitting and making eye contact and talking fills my soul cup. I find that when I do get that opportunity, often the people I am desperate to connect with struggle to meet this need. They can’t slow down. They can’t stop. They feel unproductive and bored just chatting. They need to be busy. It has become an addiction. Even if they do make time to open up to me in short bursts, the consistency is lacking, the eye contact, and the listening.
As someone who loves to talk to people the most, perhaps what I really seek, is someone to listen sometimes too. The point of this post is just to validate that boredom and loneliness are not the same and they can exist independently, because as I once read somewhere; Boredom is of the mind, whereas Loneliness is of the heart.
However much downtime your schedule allows, don’t forget to use it wisely really connecting with your loved ones, really talking to them, and really listening too. You’ll be amazed how much better you feel!
❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx
