So last week we talked about people who talk in codes. At the end of the day, we learned most people will be hard pressed to tell the cold hard truth! Most people will not say “No, I don’t like you” or “Yes, I am using you.” Especially in the case of the latter, where honesty would definitely be counterproductive to the goal of using you. It seems pretty straightforward then, to just trust your instincts on this and move away from people who’s actions and words leave you feeling suspicious of their intention.
So why then do so many of us not do that? Why do we get trapped in the cycle of decoding their words? I suppose a the first reasons that springs to mind is “self preservation.” We want to believe that we are worthy. And sometimes we get caught up in proving that we are based on this one person’s attitude towards us. We want to believe we are likeable and not just useful, so therefore, we try to read what we want to read into their words when we should really be listening to their actions.
The second reason that comes to mind is this need to be “right.” At it’s core, we often fail to trust our instincts until they are validated by another person. Unfortunately often, the person we need to validate our feelings is the exact person who is benefiting from not validating them. It is always easier to walk away from someone when both people agree on the situation. If one person says to the other that they don’t think things are working out between them, and they feel they should go their separate ways, and the other person seems relieved and agrees with this, providing further validation by saying that they have been thinking and feeling the same lately, both people will feel freer to walk away. They weren’t wrong, the other party agreed, case closed.
Closure. It’s so neat and perfect, tied in it’s perfect little bow, isn’t it? Unfortunately most relationships are not as picture perfect and most situations don’t provide that closure. What’s worse is that sometimes you feel you have achieved closure, until the bow gets ripped apart again and you realise it was never as neat and tidy as you thought anyway?! Seeking closure, is what keeps us seeking validation.
It can be what causes us to go backwards when we should be moving forwards. Maybe this is precisely what Dr Phil was talking about when he said “Do you want to be right, or do you want to be happy?” (I have no idea if the concept was his or if he quoted someone else, it’s likely!) At it’s core, we all want to be happy and we confuse that with being right. It provides us with a certainty that human relationships cannot offer. We want a guarantee that this person will not change and be perfect for the next person, or we want to be sure we are not making a mistake, jumping to conclusions and missing an opportunity for greatness.
I have decided to coin this “validation void” – when the brain stops functioning completely while searching for evidence and confirmation that our suspicions are correct. Where we stop acting in our own best interests trying to fill that void, that uncertainty within. Where we are so hungry for validation that we starve ourselves of the nutrition that is served to us. Where we allow ourselves to believe someone else’s version of reality because it seems more palpable, and less painful than our own. In the moment that is, long term it is actually way, way, waaaaay, more painful.
What is interesting about this particular concept, is that every person you know and who cares for you is likely to offer validation on your points. Yet all that serves you with is more ammunition for you to fire, trying to get the object withholding validation to agree with you. Which is generally futile. But even if they do concede, it will only be to disarm you temporarily before the same behaviours repeat.
We all turn to friends and family for validation. I am not disregarding it’s importance and how it can help us learn and grow when we are challenged, nor it’s powers of healing when we receive it. We probably all have a Validation Vallery friend. She is behind you all the way, always on your team, your biggest cheerleader. But too much validation seems disingenuous after a while, doesn’t it. And we all probably have a Challenging Chad friend too. The one who likes to challenge your perceptions of things when sometimes you really just need to hear that you weren’t wrong.
Essentially, while all humans have a validation void, the size of the void is up to you. Life doesn’t come with guarantees, and neither do relationships or friendships. You have to have a certain degree of security in yourself. You have to be willing to risk it and back your decisions. You have to trust that you can live with it if they go on to be perfect for someone else and not blame yourself for it. The only way this validation void gets smaller, is by acting on your intuition. Even if it means getting validation from everyone EXCEPT the person involved. The more you act on your intuition, the stronger you will get, and the smaller the void will be.
The less you base how you feel about yourself on how others feel about you or treat you, the more you teach them how to treat you. The more you understand that you are ok without any given person, the less afraid you will be to act on these intuitive feelings.
If somebody isn’t treating you the ways in which you want, need or expect to be treated, you do not need them to agree with you. You are allowed to act on that feeling even if they insist that you are wrong. A person who cares about you will never simply deny you your truth, they would work with you to change behaviours to make you more comfortable. If they can’t show you what you want to see, find someone that can. It doesn’t matter if you are wrong or right. You want to be happy, and this isn’t it.
Don’t allow your validation void become big enough that it has a vacancy sign, or someone will move in for sure. That is not a space you want to allow anyone to live in. Trust me!
❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx
