Last week we talked about new parents and tips for them to make new friends. But what about when your friend is on that journey without you?
You can expect this post to be long, and if you can’t be bothered reading it until the end, then you can expect that you might not be patient enough to make your friendship work!
So, your friend is expecting, and you are not…This subject can be a particularly delicate and dividing one. It is especially tender when you wish to be expecting but for whatever reason, you are not. The jealousy and resentment that results can be crippling, and it is a difficult situation to be in. If you are suffering this particular type of pain, I truly am sorry. Your pain is real and it is valid and it matters. It won’t be easy to stay good friends unless you really can be honest and empathetic towards one another. I hope you can.
However, this post isn’t about that. This post relates to the fear that some friends suffer when they learn a close friend is having a child, and how things will inevitably change. And they will change, which is why you need to know what to expect. I know, because I was the first among my group of friends to become pregnant, and more recently, I face the prospect of a close friend getting pregnant as my own children reach a much more independent stage of life.
Posts I have read on the subjects are heavy with emotion and typically not well received. The person who is not having the child is generally labelled selfish and his or her fears about the friendship are minimized. They are said to be immature and unsupportive. If you are the friend who fears losing your bestie to his or her pending offspring, I feel you. Your pain is also real and it is also valid. And the bad news is that I can’t promise you that your friendship will last, sadly.
However, the good news is that it is up to you whether your friendship lasts the distance and how close you and your bestie remain. Because things are going to change, that much is certain…. So you are going to have to change right along with them… Some of these changes will be challenging, and will require you to start thinking much more about what you give than what you get in return.
So, what can you expect? You can expect that you will hear from your friend less, and when you do hear from them, most of what they have to say will be about the baby. They will be unlikely to be able to string a coherent sentence together, for a few reasons. The most obvious one is lack of sleep. Mix that with new brain chemistry and hormones, heightened anxiety and responsibility, not to mention the constant distraction and interruptions you are going to learn to expect, means that you might end up feeling a little invisible and frustrated.
It goes both ways!
Your friend still loves you, and they still care about your life. However, they hardly have time to focus on themselves and their own life, so you will need to be understanding that they cannot fill from an empty cup right now. This new being has become their life, and your friend is more disoriented by this change than you are, trust me! If you think you miss nights on the town and brunching because your hangover means you don’t rise until noon, you have no idea how much your friend misses those things too! The difference is that those things are still possible for you, albeit with different people, while for the foreseeable future, sleeping in past 6am is no longer a possibility for your new parent friends.
You can expect to swap talking for listening. You can expect to stay in rather than go out. You can expect to offer to make them tea, although you are the guest at their house. Bonus points for bringing the hot beverage with you. And food. You can expect nights in past bed time to include them falling asleep or catching up on housework, or any combination of both. You can expect to give much more than you receive.
You will be expected to bond with the baby. Even if your friend knows you don’t do babies and even if they acknowledge that you feel a little jealous and pushed out by them right now. You can’t beat the baby because it depends on them for life, and their life depends on it living, so what is it they say? If you can’t beat them; join them. The more invested and interested you can be in the baby, the closer you will be as a friend.
I know from experience how powerful it is to feel the bond with someone who bonds with your child. I also know from experience the hurt and disappointment a mother can feel when you don’t show the level of interest in her child as she hopes. So while you might be rolling your eyes inside and thinking “a talking human, alert the media” as they excitedly tell you all the new words in the child’s growing vocabulary, a better way to bond is to be excited by this change and make jokes about how you can now teach it hilariously inappropriate new words. (It is unwise to follow through on this though!) Similarly, you will be expected to fiercely care about any adversity the baby faces and do all you can to assist, no matter how inconvenient it is.
Which brings me to my next point. You can expect to be flexible. Leaving the house with a baby or child is not as simple as leaving the house as a child free adult. There is a multitude of packing and planning that has to go into it now, and much of the time it isn’t worth it to new parents. They feel more comfortable staying in the place that has all the things they need, because wow do small humans need a lot of things. So that translates loosely to the fact that while your friend would love to catch up with you for lunch, and it seemed like a good plan when they said yes, when the day arrives and the baby is extra fussy and didn’t sleep, chances are your friend is going to cancel.
This isn’t personal. But if the baby doesn’t sleep in the pram, and then they miss their naptime, your friend’s whole day maybe even days will be ruined, as the baby will be unsettled for a long period of time. It is really important that you expect and accept that none of this is about you. If your friend is ok with the idea – you can always be agreeable and offer to bring lunch to them. However they may also just want to catch up on much needed sleep. So unless you are prepared to watch the baby so they can do that, you might have to get used to the idea you wont see or hear from your friend much for a few years.
I know that can make it really hard to keep a connection alive. It can make the friendship seem really one sided and unrewarding. I hear you. Because it is. The good news is that this is temporary. Your friend will surface from this in a year or 2, maybe 5, when you account for siblings and the number of years before the child starts school. So, if you can think of it like an extended break, an overseas holiday for example, that perspective might help.
You can expect your friend won’t share the same hours as you anymore. If they take the first year off work for example, they will be available in the times you are at work. Then on weekends, chances are they will have extended family they want to share their baby with. This will mean you will be less of a priority. The reason for this tends to be because a mother, the child’s grandmother, for example, is generally more helpful, and equally invested in the baby as your friend. Visiting with them makes your friends life easier. Their parents probably don’t ask them for much conversation, but do tend to the baby so your friend can rest. Not to mention extended family and cousins that the baby may interact with.
You can expect both of you to make new friends. Your friend is experiencing a powerful life change, and it will be normal and important for her to bond with other people who share that experience, and as her life moves forward, their child will continue to bring new friendships into their life. So, you will have to learn to share what limited time is left. Naturally you will also gravitate towards people more available to your schedule too. This can bring about raw and heavy emotions in you both as each of you may feel insecure of these new connections. You can expect to trust and encourage each other in this new phase and feel secure that you will come back together again.
When I reflect on the friendships I have now that I still had before children, and I admit there are not many, the friends that lasted the distance kept showing up. No matter how distant I was or how disinteresting I was. They didn’t demand too much of me, and they showed up to my house consistently. If you keep showing up and finding ways to be part of your friend’s life, you can expect to stay friends.
Only you will know if it is worth showing up for. There is no right or wrong answer. I don’t blame the friends who walked away or drifted off when I didn’t have much to offer. But the ones who kept showing up earned a special spot in my heart. As did the new ones who started showing up. And when it was their turn, I kept showing up. I was flexible. I made allowances. I listened to boring baby talk, vented about parenting, bought cute gifts, remembered and followed up on occasions and appointments. I babysat while they slept, I brought food and did dishes. I tolerated long periods of space and flakiness and didn’t make it about me. And slowly over time, conversation started widening again, occasional nights out became more frequent, and play dates were a new regular.
What to expect when your friend is expecting? Expect to fit into their life so that you are not excluded from it. That choice is yours. It will not be easy, but it will definitely be worth it.
❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx
