Last week we celebrated Halloween, and in that post, I referenced how scary it can be having a best friend. Much of it probably felt like it was aimed at a younger audience, and maybe it was. But in part of it I refenced the fear of growing up, growing apart and growing away from your best friend. I would have thought those things were only for younger people too once upon a time, however life has shown that to be wildly untrue.
We never stop growing and changing, and so these growing pains are things we must deal with at almost every stage of life. It starts when you are young, yes. As you start forming intense friendships, discovering who you are and friendships are pivotal in your life. These years are filled with angst and drama as we navigate who we are and who we want to be and associate with. We cling to the idea that these friendships will be with us for life, yet only for a lucky few is that actually the truth.
I do have friends from high school, and even one from primary school! But certainly, over the years at times our closeness has wavered, sometimes we have been distant friends, other times very close. It all seems to depend on the season of life and the circumstances each season brings. The 30’s are especially tough on friendships as they fall down the priority list in favour of life’s more consuming aspects, such as partnerships, work life and children. Many say the 40’s are only marginally better as you add aging relatives into the mix too. So far so good though, touch wood! Haha
The thing I have noticed about growing pains over the years is this. At any time, somewhat suddenly, life takes us in opposite directions from our friends. You have children when they don’t, then when you start getting some social life back, they have kids that take them away again. They start a new job and move to the country, fall in love and move internationally, take up a new hobby in triathlons that has them training and competing excessively, or any other number of life changes that suddenly make them seem way less available than they were 5 minutes ago. And although it happens over and over, with different friends, and the same, it never seems to get any easier.
The beautiful thing about friendships is that we care. We love our friends and they are paramount to our happiness, so when life puts obstacles and distance between us, it can be hard to handle. It hurts. It can hurt as much as losing that friend entirely, although they are still there. And it is hard and uncomfortable to discuss. Because we want to be happy for our friends, but we also feel sad for ourselves.
I have a friend who is talking about packing in her job and moving to the country. It might be just what she needs for her physical and mental health and reaching her future goals. I know my friend is a bit stuck and worn down and in a rut. I want her to do what she needs to do for herself and I am so proud of her bravery to just make a major change and see what happens. Although we are close, we are different in this respect, she is more carefree than I am. I am more rigid preferring plans and routines that stay the same.
When she told me this plan, and that it was already in motion, I was shell shocked. I couldn’t believe she was making this huge decision and we had never so much as discussed it. Not that she needs to run her life by me, but if I were planning something so big, I would have mulled it over for months first with everyone I know. We are different like that, I know this, but it still shocked me! Then as the exciting news settled in, I started to question what this would mean for our friendship. Our weekly catch ups would be no longer, it wouldn’t be convenient for her to catch a movie or meet for dinner.
This particular friend has usually always come to me, rather than us visiting with her. The simple truth was dropping in to our place was no longer going to be convenient for her, and to be honest, I wasn’t sure how I was going to manage to find the time to visit her either. My kids are not young anymore, but they’re also not totally independent either. So, while my friend had romantic visions of me coming to stay for the weekend and soaking in the hot tub with champagne, I knew my responsibilities and obligations here were unlikely to allow that plan to come into fruition.
Added to that I felt overwhelmingly jealous of the friends who would still be able to visit her. The ones who do not have kids and have all weekend to themselves to spend with her. Or the ones with kids whose partners don’t work weekends. Or the ones who share similar work hours and availabilities. It seemed as though this season was bound to bring those people closer in her life, and create more distance between her and I.
And it felt totally like a period of weird grief I was experiencing. Although my friend was still there and still reassuring me, I even had weird dreams that I knew when I was going to die and how, and there was nothing I could do to stop it. Not to be dramatic. I will not die without my friend, but it felt kinda similar, you know. The inevitable ending, and just watching, waiting for it to happen. And so, I did the only thing I could do. I sat my friend down and we talked it through.
Nothing changed in that conversation, she was still going and she still had romantic ideals about how it would all work out. But she was also able to hear my concerns, validate my grief and I was able to express to her both my gratitude for the time we have spent and my fear for how I would cope with this change. She was able to reassure me that if it is important enough for us both then we will make the effort. At the end of the night, I felt peaceful. If and when she goes, I know I will feel the loss. But I needed a moment to feel those growing pains in order to accept the change and process it.
Then, because I like to feel in control, I decided she is right. If it is important to me, I will make effort even though it would not be convenient, and I hoped she would too. That it is only over if I let it be over, but also that part of not letting it be over was accepting my friend needed to do this for herself and that I needed to support that and stop making it about me.
Growing pains never stop hurting, but as we learn to deal with them instead of running away from them, we grow with them, and so does our friendship. Worst case scenario is that my friend and I are not so close for a few short years until I have more freedoms as my parenting responsibilities lessen and then I make the effort to see her, just as she has made the effort to see me all these years. And as she gets closer to those other friends, not to mention all the new ones she will make, I have to remember my own life will continue on too, because closeness comes and goes, but if you’re lucky, that connection sticks through it all.
Sometimes we need to allow people the space to move away, to grow in their own direction and just hope it grows back in yours one day, and wish them well if it doesn’t.
❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx
