Last week I wrote a heartfelt post about a close friend and my feelings over her eventual path into motherhood. At the end of the post I made a joke about the time and attention that she currently offers, that I share with her phone!!! Haha Well, just after I wrote it, I came across this article on “Psychology Today” dated 28th June 2019, titled “Do You Phub The People You Love?”
Initially it caught my attention because I did not know what ‘Phubbing’ actually is, so I wanted to know if I do phub the people I love! Haha In the “Google Dictionary” from Oxford Languages, Phubbing is listed as “the practice of ignoring one's companion or companions in order to pay attention to one's phone or other mobile device.”
Guilty as charged…… sometimes anyway. I would be downright lying if I said I never did this. Just the other day while I was out with my lovely mum, we arrived at our destination and she sat there silently for 5 minutes while I sent a message to a friend. Then after an altercation with the staff at our destination, I sat for another 10 minutes composing an email of complaint to the company involved. So I definitely am guilty of this sometimes.
However, I do like to think I do not do this to excess and I do try to be present with the people in my company most of the time. (I admit it gets greyer when the people in my company are the people with whom I live… to be honest we all do this to each other probably far too often. However when home is your downtime place, it can be hard to set those limits as to when it is connection time and when we each need that time to zone out from one another.) Back to my point, specifically with friends.
Friends are the people with whom I have chosen to spend my precious time, and who have equally chosen to spend that time with me. While I will admit to checking my notifications briefly, when in the company of friends I try to only respond when it is important and ignore the rest until later. Because I know how it feels to be phubbed on a regular basis, and I admit it phRubs me up the wrong way. So much so that I have spoken to my psychologist about it.
My psychologist; the one I will never tire of telling you drives the BMW, haha, tells me it is ok for me to ask my friends to put down their phone and be present with me. I have at least one friend who holds this expectation of me, so she serves as an example that this can be achieved. I guess I just feel sad that I should have to ask, and reluctant to embrace this technology ban knowing I too at times need to access my phone in the company of a friend.
Now if we go back to my earlier example of time with my mum, I explained to her that I was responding to an important message from a friend, and shared with her the circumstance of why it was important, so she understood and felt more actively involved in the experience. Later on she knew I was emailing a complaint and she was in support of that action. However, the friend in question from last week’s blog knows this is an issue for me, and she does not stop, perhaps despite her best efforts.
What bothers me most, is that she usually is not responding to something urgent. As a matter of fact, she is usually not responding to anything or anyone, at all. Her faux pas is usually playing games on her phone. She does this while we watch movies in the cinema (if she is awake!) She also does this while we sit and chat at my house. She does this at the nail salon, even if she only has one available hand!!! Now, I am fairly sure this particular friend has ADHD, undiagnosed, and therefore cannot seem to control this impulse to do something with her hands. I try to be understanding of this, and to her credit, she does seem to remember things I have said when she was seemingly distracted.
But what I do know, is, for example, this friend has found herself somewhat excluded from a group friendship, in large part due to the fact that she does not wish to participate in the incessant daily chats and messages from the group in question, claiming she cannot be tied to her phone all day. And I also know at least one member of the group has made comment about her constant use of the phone and made comments that hurt my friend when it was discovered she was playing games in the company of the group.
What perhaps she doesn’t realise, is that her friend making the comment was also hurt that rather than engaging actively, my friend was choosing to be on her phone. I actually think that is part of the reason my friend was more drawn to group settings than I am…. Because she felt it was more acceptable to phib a large group, when everyone had others to interact with instead of her. Kind of a way to feel included, without actually needing to be present. I guess she was wrong.
On the face of things, it really is insulting to disengage from conversation – in person, or particularly online, and claim you cannot be tied to your phone all day when we all know you never put the damned thing down! Lol
However, when I speak to my friend about it, she explains that in her job she is needed to engage all day with people, after work hours she is still expected to be on the job mentally with emails and tasks coming through, and often she is scrolling new ideas to bring to work. When you take into account her career is of upmost importance to her, it makes sense. Added to that, with the aforementioned ADHD, she is often online shopping, planning trips with the family, booking dogs into daycare, buying and selling things on community webpages and looking up new recipes. Her mind just does not stop.
Therefore, the games help her distract herself from a busy mind, so that she can focus more on what is being said around her. Because they are kind of mindless, and yet still feed that need to not be still. Being still means sleeping, and she will often even use her phone for that too, playing whale sounds, or watching videos, to allow her brain to fully turn off. Without a diagnosis and medication, I do not forsee this problem resolving itself.
So I have learned to deal with the Phubbing, to accept it and know at times I am just as guilty. And sometimes it does mean I am more engaged in the screen than the person I am with, Maybe that is a heads up to them to be more interesting?! Haha (That was a joke y’all, relax! Haha) Sometimes we make plans and we see those plans through, but when we made them we didn’t know we would start dating someone between now and then and it would be too intoxicating to ignore. Or that our aunt would be having a crisis etc…..
I think we all need to accept phubbing is here to stay along with the technology that brings it, however we all need to be both accountable and aware, as well as forgiving, and understanding. If the phone is someone’s coping mechanism, then maybe it is ok to pull yours out too? If you can’t beat em, join em? Haha I am off to play spot the difference! Lol Catch you next week!
❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx
