So in all of January, I kept to the theme of apologies. This was inspired by a friend who ghosted me, and then reappeared to make amends by the way of apology, without actually offering an ongoing friendship, but just to close our chapter more tastefully. I appreciated her apology and I thanked her for it, although when I published the piece, I had no way of knowing if she had actually received my response or not. She hadn’t responded.
As I want to be transparent with you all, and accountable, and to honour this friend, I wanted to update you that this person read that post, and got in touch to assure me that the apology she sent was in fact for me and she genuinely meant it. Not that I had any doubt about that. I always understood her intentions were never harmful, even if her actions were. She also assured me she did receive my forgiveness in response and that it was meaningful to her.
As a matter of fact, this person has actually contacted me twice now, and neither time did I respond. Does that mean I am now ghosting her? We said our goodbyes more than once already. Am I wrong to bow out of another round when my instincts tell me this pattern of dumping will repeat itself?
Beyond that, I know my worth. I know what I offered this friend, and when she left my life I wondered why I wasn’t enough, what I could have done differently, how I should have handled things to get a better outcome. Ex-friend, if you are reading this, when you sent your amends, and I followed up with my forgiveness, you set me free. You reminded me that I am worthy, that the issue was with you and not with me.
Oh I understand your predicament, you know I do. I played my part and I do not shy away from that either. But we cannot work, you and I. The trust is gone, please understand I cannot invest again where I already lost so much. I believe in you to change, to be the best you can be and change your predicament. I want you to succeed. I just cannot be a part of that change.
There was so much in your messages that I wanted to respond to. So much to say. So many questions for you. So much of my own life that you have missed that I wanted to share. To say I have missed our daily conversations is an understatement. But just because I have missed it, does not mean I should go back to something that isn’t right for me.
I am sorry, for what it is worth. I know you wanted, needed and expected more from me and I am letting you down. But when you sent your apology and gave me closure, I closed us and I need us to stay closed. I do forgive you, I do wish the best for you, but at the end of the day you didn’t choose me and I need to choose people that do.
I hope you are well. I wish you all the best in your future, whatever it holds. I forgive you and I have love for you in my heart. But I just cannot be your friend. I hope you understand, if you forgive me or not. This is the right choice for me. It was not an easy choice. I sat down and penned you an answer both times, and yet, something stopped me from pressing send. But I do want to let you know that I am thinking of you.
I am not trying to punish you for your choices. I deserved the Karma I got in this, I get it now. I was not loyal to someone, and then you were not loyal to me. I always had that coming and it didn’t surprise me. So although I set us free, I don’t want you to feel it was in anger. We were Just “collateral damage.” Thank you for your apology, I conclude that you’re right, it was for me, and it was helpful. It set me free, and gave me closure.
To all of you struggling, there is no right or wrong way to feel in these situations, no right or wrong response. Only how you do feel and it is ok to be vulnerable enough to speak your truth. This is mine. I can’t go back. Although I reached forgiveness, I must move forward. It is ok that friendships end and it is ok to end them or let them end. I will always remember my friend dearly and think of her often, but our friendship will remain in my heart, not in my life. They say sometimes love just isn’t enough, and I feel the same about apologies. Sometimes sorry just isn’t enough and that’s just the way it is.
❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx
