Many of you are probably tired of my tirade on apologies, but this is a big topic with lots of angles to cover.
I was thinking more broadly about apologies, and I recalled a time when someone once said to me “Just stop apologising all the time, just stop!” You can guess what I said, can’t you?! Haha Yeah, I said it! But it baffled me why it angered this person so much, when that was the exact thing I was trying to avoid?
That in of itself says something though, doesn’t it? Yeah, ok it says that particular friend was a bitch and I am not sorry for saying so! Haha But I think the reason it angered her so much was because it lost meaning when I over used it. Maybe she felt I used it as a power play to try and gather sympathy instead of her wrath? Or maybe she felt I used it as a tool to get out of jail too quickly, guilty or otherwise? Or maybe she wanted me to fight back. I suspect she did. I wasn’t interested in fighting with her. She never forgave me for it, and my last word to her was “sorry.” She never spoke to me again. I just didn’t get it.
She wasn’t wrong. I didn’t get it. I didn’t understand that if you say sorry for things you didn’t do, people question how genuine you are about anything. Like the time her salad didn’t arrive at work and so I got her a different salad instead and she was so mad. Apologising made it worse. “Why are you sorry?!” She practically spat the demand at me. “Because I bought you a salad?” I timidly answered her. “No!” She cried, face beet red. “You’re not sorry for that, you thought that was a kind thing to do, didn’t you?” I shrugged, but I totally did think it was a kind thing to do, I just wasn’t sure what answer she wanted to hear. Her lunch didn’t arrive, I got her something else instead. I didn’t see the problem, but it was clear that she did. I was sorry that I had upset her, but the fact that I didn’t understand why she was upset was ultimately the problem.
Now I am much older and wiser I can surmise that she was upset because I fixed her problem for her, and she didn’t want or need me to do that. That I made a decision for her without consulting her. That she then felt badly about this salad I had burdened her with. And that I was implying she couldn’t handle minor stresses. To be honest, all of that is true. Honestly, I knew she was going to be upset her lunch didn’t come and I didn’t want her to be upset. So, I was trying to control the outcome, both with my actions and the apology. I was using an apology to end the confrontation. I just wanted it to stop!
Anyway, what is my point? My point is that often times we apologise, or alternatively, accept an apology too quickly in order to feel more comfortable, even if we don’t yet feel happy with the outcome. It can serve as a way to avoid accountability and sweep issues that need to be addressed under the carpet for later. It isn’t healthy.
When I spoke to a close friend about my (ex)friend, and the out of the blue amends she sent me, my friend said she thought I had accepted the apology and given forgiveness too freely, and reflected on all the times she had done the same. Because an apology comes with this concept of automatic forgiveness, doesn’t it? And forgiveness is thought to be the key to inner peace, so we all try and jump on it.
I agree that an apology puts forgiveness on the timeline of the perpetrator when it should be on the timeline of the victim. And I also agree that forgiveness is vital to inner peace.
I forgive my (ex)friend. Honestly, I do. Not only because I believed her apology, and not only because I understand why she ended our friendship even though it hurt me when she did, because she was right, I did not deserve it. However, the main reason I forgive my (ex)friend, is because I liked her. I like her still. In my heart I still consider her a friend, and with that comes the act of forgiveness.
I accept our friendship is over, however I let it go with peace and love. I forgave her with or without the apology and if I didn’t, the apology would have made little difference. I forgave her because I chose to. Before she said anything and without letting her know I forgave her.
Although I have no way of knowing if she received my response of forgiveness granted, and even less ways of knowing if she reads this blog still, I tried to respond to offer forgiveness because I do not want her to continue to feel bad about something she cannot change. About something that hurt me at the time but no longer hurts me. Although we are no longer friends, my forgiveness is the only final act of friendship I can offer her. I don’t want her to hate herself because she thinks that I hate her or think less of her.
Besides, her apology perhaps was less about ending our friendship and more about the way in which she chose to end it. But, if you are reading this (ex)friend, there is no nice, good or kind way to end things. You can trust that I know it does not reflect who you are as a person, and I free you of the burden of worrying what I think of you.
Not that what I think of you should matter anymore, but if that is the last gift I can give you, then I give it freely. What is friendship without forgiveness? Friendship is a series of forgiving people for their indiscretions. It is agreeing to disagree, for the greater good. It is attempting to understand different perspectives, priorities, values and circumstances. It is trying to keep hold of the positive and see the beauty in the negative. It is accepting that nobody is perfect and making allowances to give them freedom to be who they really are. It is putting your friendship, and indeed your friend before your feelings at times and loving them more when they least deserve it, because that is when they need it most.
The moment you cannot forgive, even if you cannot forget, the friendship is over.
Not all things can or should be forgiven, but choose your battles wisely! Forgiveness is for you, but ultimately, forgiveness is the gift I give myself. You cannot hurt me anymore. That is the gift I give us both.
❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx
