To Give The Gift, or Not To Give The Gift?

Gifting. For some of us, it is a love language. Some people love to lavish people they care for with gifts, and others love to receive gifts as tokens of appreciation. Many, but not all people who consider gifting a love language of theirs, enjoy giving and receiving gifts equally. There will always be those of us who prefer to give more than receive, and those of us who prefer to receive more than we give. Then there are others amongst us, who actually find the whole thing quite unnecessary and uncomfortable.

When first getting to know someone, this can easily become an issue. If you love to gift, you might accidentally overwhelm the recipient and make them feel badly that they didn’t or aren’t able to reciprocate. Alternatively, they may gift you with a really thoughtful item, while you may have gifted them a more generic item such as a travel mug filled with chocolates. This can leave things feeling unbalanced and like one person’s effort or expectation or investment is higher than the others. It can make one or both parties feel in some way indebted to the other. A debt they did not sign up for.

Who would have thought the simple act of giving a gift could be so complicated and fraught with miscommunication? And it can become even more complicated? What happens if the gift you were intending to give has somehow expired it’s time. For example, a Christmas gift that is sitting under your tree ungifted because you didn’t see that friend in time? Or a gift for an ex colleague purchased when you were still working together but you haven’t really kept in touch since they left? Or worse, a thoughtful and or expensive gift to someone, that you purchased when you were close friends, and have since become more distant with or fallen out with all together?

In all these scenarios, the question of to gift, or not to gift, becomes pretty prominent. Will it send the wrong message? Does it set expectations too high? Is it in line with a gift you would expect to give or receive from someone you haven’t known well, or long? Is it too much? Is it enough? Does it still reflect your true feelings or investment in the person and your relationship as it did at the time it was purchased or crafted?

Readers, if in doubt, I urge you to err on the side of caution and not gift! I know you mean well, honestly. Your intentions were kind, but if you find yourself asking the question, feeling unsure, then your answer is no. Unless you are certain, do not proceed. Especially if you tend to be a bit of an over giver. Because this only sets you and everyone around you up to fail and for you to feel taken advantage of.

I have made this mistake myself, so I know how easy it can be to get caught up in the festivities or to fight the urge to buy that perfect gift that you saw, which probably was a bit much but you just knew they would love it! Because even if they love the item, the debt they incur as a result can feel totally suffocating. Even if you intended to impress and draw them in closer, it may have the adverse affect and scare them away.

Even if you hoped the gift would serve as some sort of reconciliation, your gift may be rejected. Or worse still, it may be accepted with no effort to reconcile. It may even be seen as a desperate attempt to buy their affections. In reality, a true friend should not be swayed on their feelings about you by what material things you offer them.

If they really like you and want you in their life, then they will make time and space for you regardless, and if they don’t then they never will anyway. So save your time, money and energy on gifting until you know a person well enough to know how they feel about gifting and what their love languages actually are. You might save yourself some grief in the meantime. You don’t have to prove your worth or reward people for being in your life with anything but the gift of continuing to show up for them as the fabulous friend that you are!

To gift or not to gift? Your friendship is a gift and that should be enough.

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx