I have a friend who calls me, and we often stay on the line for up to an hour. The conversations meander, aren’t usually particularly urgent or necessary, except to keep in touch, update each other on our lives and vent about life. I support this notion, we all need people to talk to about everything and nothing. The conversations may not be important, but the bond they create is.
However on New Year’s Eve I found myself particularly annoyed at something my friend said, or rather something she didn’t realise she was saying, or implying during the conversation. She was venting to me about one of her other close friends, how they seem to be growing apart and how let down she was that they didn’t attend a yearly event she hosts when they always have attended in the past. To add salt to the wound, instead they chose to attend someone else’s event.
I understand this hurts, and I understand it, although I have never found myself on the invite list to this particular event. I know there are logical reasons behind this, and should I wish to attend I would not be turned away, but I just sometimes feel it is unwise for my friend to complain to me about this without considering how I might feel that I myself was never invited.
Anyway, I digress. My friend was let down and I understood this and held space for that feeling, validating it and also reassuring her that I am sure her friend didn’t intend to be hurtful although their actions were somewhat careless. They didn’t even inform her they weren’t coming, and that isn’t right. That’s fair. My friend went on to say that she had no new years plans and she had asked this friend and they said they had a dinner reservation with someone else. She was hurt not to be invited, although they did say maybe they would come and visit her after dinner. An idea she scoffed at.
This isn’t the first time she has complained about this person in her life being a bit less than satisfying as a friend at times. They are actually quite close, however she often feels neglected, pushed aside or a bit like a back up plan for this person; an afterthought. When they have nothing better to do. Overall I have to assume this doesn’t bother my friend as much as she makes out, or she only sees each individual offence (not the bigger picture) as they continue their friendship and I doubt she ever holds them accountable for this behaviour.
So I said to my friend that while myself and my family also had no plans for new year’s, she was welcome to join us for dinner, and we could play some games or watch a movie or something. I should say that I knew she wouldn’t come. I wasn’t hanging on her being there. It was not an important or exciting invitation. However, if she didn’t want to be alone, the offer was there. Once she ascertained that we were not going out as I had said we may visit an outdoor cinema, and that nothing exciting was on offer for dinner…. She declined, as I thought she would and thanked me for the invitation. That in itself was mildly offensive as I still believe had we been doing something or putting on a feast, she would have come.
But then she went on to say without invitation that she knew she could always come to us if she got really desperate (that is a direct quote) and just had to get out the house and not be alone, but she had hoped that she would be invited to something with the other crowd. I did not ask if her other friend did stop over after dinner that night, but the implication was clear, that waiting around for a possible visit from them was better than being welcomed with us.
I did hold my friend to account on this matter and let her know I found it offensive. Not only because of this one event, but because there have been several times when the middle of our plans together somehow got interrupted by the beginning of theirs. If this person calls, she wants to make it happen, no matter what, despite the fact that they are not as good or loyal as a friend to her as I am. In fact it may even be because they are not as good. Treat ‘em mean keep ‘em keen certainly seems to be working for her friend in question!
So although my friend tried to apologise and explain her way out of this predicament, and I was able to laugh it off and let it go because it really wasn’t an important invitation of mine she declined, I still think she didn’t see my bigger point that she was complaining to me about someone being a bit of a crappy friend to her when she was in that exact moment doing the same thing to me! Human nature is fascinating isn’t it?
It’s quite common that the things that upset us in other people are actually the same things that we do to others. I wonder why that is? Even now, I bet someone reading this is probably thinking I have done this to them. I probably have. Which is why I have a sense of humour about it and am able to let it go. Apart from this blog, that is. Haha
So my point is, don’t be the pot calling the kettle black. If you are complaining to someone about poor treatment towards you, perhaps make sure you haven’t treated them in the same poor manner first? And be careful of talking too much about your other friends, and your plans with them. For a start it becomes pretty obvious who is more important to you and it usually isn’t the person to whom you are talking…. And it can also rub salt into wounds you may not even realise exist. Your friend may be feeling excluded and rejected and wondering why they aren’t good enough to make it onto your invite list or be someone you want to spend new years with. Or they may just decide to cut their losses and stop inviting you, on those times when you are desperate. And you’ll only realise what you had when it was too late.
It’s good to have a friend with whom you can talk about anything and everything… but just because you can, doesn’t mean you should….
❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx
